Reply to WHat is the secret to happy relatively peaceful extended families?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.[/quote]

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?[/quote]

NP.  I agree with the first poster.  You have to be able to accept and overlook.  Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud.  So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line.  We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person.  If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it.  But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.[/quote]

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?[/quote]

In my family, it's my mom who wants to do things her way much of the time. And yeah, the way we keep the peace is by mostly doing things her way when we are all together = my mom is 74 years old; she's not going to wake up tomorrow and be a whole different person (I hope).

I would say in our case, the reason we can manage it without everyone fighting all the time is a couple of things:

- My brother and I have a constant series of texts to each other about the funny things our mom is doing. So, we have someone to complain to/laugh with.

- We all love each other a lot. Sure, our mom can be demanding, moody, all that stuff - but she's our mom and we love her.

- It's much easier now than when I was a kid. Being young and having to abide my mom's whims - that was really hard. I was a moody, stubborn kid myself; there was a LOT of screaming in the house. Now, I'm an adult, and I have autonomy. Sure, it can be frustrating when the whole family is together and three or five of us want to do one thing and then Mom derails that for one reason or another. But I have a point of comparison.

- At this age, honestly, I just mostly feel grateful that I have a good relationship with my family and that we all want to and do get to spend time together. My brother is more in the weeds with this - he lives closer to my folks so he sees them more, which means he gets more of the ups and downs.

I'm going to see my folks next week for a few days, and I guess you can ask me then if I am still so levelheaded about all this! I might be the one posting frustrated messages in the family relationships section then.

I don't know if this would all hold with an inlaw rather than my own nuclear family, that said. I might have less tolerance if someone I didn't have that same history with changed the family dynamic so much. What does your sibling have to say about it - do you have the sort of relationship where you can have a non-angry but honest conversation?[/quote]

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