WHat is the secret to happy relatively peaceful extended families?

[Anonymous]

You know the ones. They are truly excited to see each other, vacation with each other, and go way out of their way for each other? And it seems so nice!

DH and I are not estranged from our families but there is just always so.much.drama and passive-aggressiveness. I admit we are guilty at times too. Short of estrangement, is there a cure for this? I feel like I'm both our families the only way to keep the peace would be to have zero opinions on anything and just be completely steamrolled all the time.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

The secret is to grow up in a functional family and to marry someone with a similar upbringing.

Good luck! Lol

[Anonymous]

We're pretty much like that. I think key for us is that everyone accepts everyone else and none of us are judgmental. We all go out of our way to help out and no one complains that someone else doesn't do enough. We're all very different - we are multiracial, some straight and some gay, some of us had our kids and some adopted and have foster kids, education ranges from HS dropout to PhD, income range is pretty broad and we have a wide variety of interests. reading DCUM makes me feel really lucky.

[Anonymous]

Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret is to grow up in a functional family and to marry someone with a similar upbringing.

Good luck! Lol

This. If there is an expectation of civility within the family then this is easy. On the other hand if people watch FOX tv...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

This is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think some luck is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

I am sensing that you are guilty in creating/feeding into family drama too. Just a hunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

I am sensing that you are guilty in creating/feeding into family drama too. Just a hunch.

I admitted that in the first post. I am absolutely not willing to give in to SIL's demands all of the time for the sake of family peace. Husband agrees with me. SIL may feel the same about us, I have no idea. The difference is, I'm fine to calmly and politely decline an invite that doesn't work for us, and feel that SIL should feel free to do the same. Instead, she gets all huffy and offended and if the plans don't suit her goes around the hosts back to try to change the plans wih the other family members.

It's getting worse. I'm not going to be a doormat to her - just came on to see if others had suggestions for dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret is to grow up in a functional family and to marry someone with a similar upbringing.

Good luck! Lol

Snark aside, this really is it. Try to build into your family while your kids are young. It's the only thing that really works.

[Anonymous]

I think the secret is being mentally healthy. We have a great relationship with my in laws and have done vacations with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

I know someone responded but I am the "agree" poster back with a response, too.

I guess it would depend on the situation. Is she making statements that everyone is just ignoring OR is she demanding that a dinner of kale sandwiches will be served at midnight at her house and everyone will eat in the nude sitting on the ground in the solarium?

See what I mean? The first you just smile, nod and walk away.

The second you say to your relatives, "Oh, golly, that's too late for us and we prefer cabbage sandwiches to kale so we'll be going to Hardees at 6:30. Meet us there if you want!" But you don't argue and you don't try to prove her wrong, you just lay out your alternative and leave it. If others call you on it, "well, Bubba, we had a fine time at Becky Sue's eating our kale sandwiches and the floor weren't hardly cold at all", you just nod and say how happy you are that they had a fine time eating kale sandwiches on the floor (notice how I'm using their words in the response), then you say that you are glad it all worked out and walk away.

Pick and choose your battles and suddenly you'll find that the "battles" begin to go away. You are not going to change your SIL's behavior and you cannot control your SIL's behavior. You can only change or control your behavior.

Final thought: Why are you giving her so much power over you that you will deprive yourselves of others' company because of her?