DS is being bullied for doing ballet

[Anonymous]

Often grandpas are the worst! Grandmas too. I can see this, they think it is a joke, but it is nasty. Tell them to shut up about it, that is the advantage of them being a family, they are saying insulting things to your kid, gloves off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for all these suggestions and comments. It's both grandparents and brother and sister-in-law on DH's side. We were living in Seattle a year and a half ago when we moved to the area for work, which seemed great at the time to be near his family and DS can finally have a cousin close in age to play with.

I did not realize how sexist and homophobic DH's family was until this move and their interactions with my son.. they're politically liberal.. Big difference I've learned.

I think the underlying worry is that DS is gay or as they have accused me of trying to "make him gay." Both DH and I have spoke to them about this but I have a feeling we're just looked at as the strange west-coasters. Obviously DH and I would not mind one bit if our son discovered he was gay. Regardless, gay or not, I'm not comfortable with DS being exposed to them and their bigotry, but he loves playing with his cousin and he loves his grandparents.

I think less interaction is the key here, although I'll admit I was hoping someone would have a magical solution for me, but ultimately I think they are who they are. All the arguments above I've made.

Thank you all.

Yeah, I think you limit interaction, and if they say something stupid in your presence, you come down like a ton of bricks. Also, be clear and call out the underlying assumption: "I'm not trying to 'make him gay.' I don't think that you can make someone gay if they aren't. But I don't care if he's gay or not. Do you? If he were gay, would you love him less?" And they are NOT liberal, if they think that making derogatory sexist and homophobic remarks to a little kid is okay. And be clear with your son: "Grandma and Grandpa are wrong about your ballet. You know and I know and your ballet class knows that ballet is for everyone. You know and I know that there's nothing wrong with being gay. You know and I know that it's wrong to make fun of people like they do. You can stand up for yourself against them and you will have my full support."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? I can hardly believe adults would make such remarks.

My son did ballet for a few years in elementary school, and was initially careful not to broadcast it at school. Instead, since I manage the cultural arts, I invited a ballet and modern dance company to perform for the school. There were a few male dancers who demonstrated high jumps and how to carry female dancers, and the kids really understood what strength the boys and men need to develop in order to dance.

However, we never thought to hide it from family members and friends, and they never said anything untoward. My father probably wished him anywhere other than at ballet, but he had the wits not to actually come out and say it! Other family members must also have had secret doubts about it.

I would have called your family and friends out on their lack of support from the get-go, and pointed out how unfair it is that they go to other sport events but not ballet recitals. Ballet and dance in general are VERY athletic activities! It's a teachable moment for all these backward folk, and you need to explain it to them.

Really? This is super-typical of, well, almost everyone. Something makes people a little uncomfortable, and the first thing they do is react with a pointed joke. For example, "Hey -- like the haircut. You decided to switch teams on us? Heh, heh; just joshing ya!" to the woman who gets a pixie cut. Or, "Ballet still, huh? Woulda thought you'd think girls were kinda 'icky' by now and want to throw the ball around with the guys. Guess not!"

Because it's humor (in theory), the target is not "allowed" to get offended. Then that person is "too sensitive." Bullying is not just knocking someone's books to the ground or taunting them in a sing-song fashion. It's repeatedly targeting an aspect of another person for ridicule or derision, with the goal of making that person go away or change themselves in such a way that the bully is no longer offended by their existence.

It's how we police social norms in our culture. Sure, guys can be stay-at-home-dads, but most of them report getting worn down by the "jokes" that really are just thinly veiled insults. Same for women with children who work. Or don't.

[Anonymous]

I danced with my brother growing up. He kept it a secret until he was in 10th grade and then everyone loved coming to his shows. I would not hang around anyone who bullied my son.

[Anonymous]

You keep your son away from those jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often grandpas are the worst! Grandmas too. I can see this, they think it is a joke, but it is nasty. Tell them to shut up about it, that is the advantage of them being a family, they are saying insulting things to your kid, gloves off.

I could absolutely see my dad saying something like this. He's not a bad guy, but just doesn't have a filter. He's commented on things before and I try to shut it down really quickly.

No good advice other than putting a little space between your son and the unpleasant family members.

[Anonymous]

OP, where is your son taking ballet lessons? I have a 8 years old DS taking ballet too. He was teased in school, but so far he is not giving up yet.

[j2415]

Hi, if your son really loves to dance, let him do it. If it’s something you and your son truly want to experience and accomplish, disregard what everyone else thinks. If ballet is something that your son really wants, support him and let him pursue his dreams. Hope things will get better in your family and praying for you.

[Anonymous]

You and your son should do some research online. I grew up in Pittsburgh in the 1970's and when the Steelers were on their big Superbowl winning streak, Lynn Swann famously started talking in interviews how he did ballet training and it really helped him with strength, endurance, agility and conditioning. Lynn Swann was one of the best and highest leaping wide receivers at the time in the NFL. Now, there are many, many football players, high school, collegiate and professional who take ballet training for those reasons. Google brought up several stories about football players citing how much ballet training has helped them as athletes. Now, it isn't just football. Swimmers, gymnasts, baseball, basketball players and more are now taking ballet. Those that take ballet have found reduced injuries among the benefits.

Once your son understands he can tell his relatives that like many professional athletes, he takes ballet because it improves his athleticism and conditioning. He currently enjoys dancing but if it ever leaves dancing, this conditioning with give him a great foundation for other athletic activities including sports. But he can say that he isn't ready to leave dancing yet so he'll continue.

[Anonymous]

You should tell them about the world of competitive ice dancing where it's like one boy per twenty girls and female ice dancers flood skating forums looking for partners, willing to pay any amount of money to find a man, even help them move countries, all because they are men in a perceived "woman's" sport. A man in a precious sport like figure skating has unlimited options.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. DS is 7 and has been dancing for 2 years. My father and FIL are the worst. After about the third "ballet is for girls" comment out of my dad, I shut him down hard right in front of DS and everyone else in the room. My mom (bless her) then jumped in and backed me up. We haven't had any other issues.

So I second that you have to be willing to stop being polite in order to protect your child and stand up for your child and his self-esteem.

DS plays team sports too. But I remember him complaining about how tired his legs used to be after ballet in the early days. It was way more demanding on him physically than soccer. Ballet takes strength, coordination, and a sense of music and choreography. It's worthy of their respect.

[Anonymous]

OP, mom of a teen girl who dances here. I know that one of the boys at our studio was horribly bullied by other boys over dancing ballet, to the point that he stopped for a year, around late elementary/early middle school, I think. He did come back because he loves it that much, and now as a teen he likely could bench-press a football player--he's that strong. But it does take extra fortitude for a boy to continue in dance, sadly.

I totally agree with those PPs saying these relatives need to be halted the instant they comment and told directly that they are hurtful, unsupportive and will not see much of your son if they don't stop; however, your DH -- not you -- needs to do this. They are his relatives; he's the dad; and they (and your son) need to hear him shut them down, especially if they say YOU are somehow trying to "make" your son gay with dance. They need to see that their son/grandson/male relative is as supportive of dance as you are. Likely they assume that this is mommy trying to make her son into a daughter and vicariously trying to fulfill her dance dreams or whatever, so the shutdown won't have much impact if you do it--harsh, but true. Dad must be on board and primed to deal with this head-on and announce that it has to stop, period. Is dad at all his shows? Does dad show a real interest in what he's doing? Is dad volunteering to help with shows (setting up the stage, or ushering, or whatever)? If son sees dad prominently involved, son will be stronger for it, knowing that dad as well as mom is fine with his activity.

If your son eventually moves on to another activity, be prepared to hear crap like, "Oh, I knew he'd think better of it" or "Glad that girly phase is over!" or "Now he can play football or baseball like all the other boys!" I would shut that down just as hard if it happens, as it would only reaffirm to your son that dance is somehow feminine. If he leaves dance of his own choice (and not due to pressure from ignorant relatives) he shouldn't leave with a negative impression.

Yes, have supportive adult family friends come to his recitals and shows and pay him a lot of attention.

Yes, absolutely have him research how athletes use ballet. I think there is something on YouTube that shows a group of football players trying to keep up with a professional ballerina; if you can find something similar with a male dancer rather than a ballerina that would be even better. Prime him to speak up to anyone who disses boys who dance by pointing out that dancers are athletes too.

The documentary someone mentioned earlier, about male dancers, is great. Not sure if your son is old enough to totally get into it but maybe show him segments if he's not.

Does he have a male teacher, or is there a male teacher or studio head where he dances? Does the studio have a boys' class or boys' program? It's fine if it doesn't! But if things get tough, and he does want to dance but the comments get to him, you might enlist a male dance teacher he admires to talk to him about being a boy in dance and why it's rewarding. Heck, I'd love to see your DH's relatives being talked to by a male dancer or male dance teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time a family member says something unkind say, "you're rude," and walk away.

Yeah, that'll tell em.

If these are family members it will be next to impossible to cut them off completely. The OP has talked to them already but it falls on deaf ears. You can relate all the Lynn Swan and baryshnikov stories you want. people still think they are being funny b/c they are making fun of a child not a grown man.

Succinctly shut down the hurtful, mean comments. Don't give them an audience.

[Anonymous]

Patrick Swayze did ballet

I have also heard that football players are taught ballet to make them more agile and graceful on the field (not sure if that is true, but makes for a good story).

Bottom line is - dance is fun and it is a skill that takes time and effort to develop. Good for your son for taking the road less traveled. He'll show em.

[Anonymous]

OP - I want to give you a bit of hope - I have a DS that dances and he's 15. It really does get better. The elementary years were tough because only girls really like dancing and theater. Really.

But, in middle school and high school, there is a bigger peer group of boys that like and are willing to admit they like theater and dance and it's easier to be part of a group. Tell him to hang in there. And tell your family to F off -- they suck.