DS is being bullied for doing ballet

[Anonymous]

How many family members and family friends are we talking about? What kinds of comments? In what contexts/situations are they making the comments?

[Anonymous]

OP a male ballet dancer is like standard poodle--poodles are really powerful, smart, working dogs, but people think they are poofy thanks to the haircut. Male ballet dancers have to be super-strong to support the ballerina.

I'm in LA, and I go to a physical therapist who used to be a professional ballet dancer. He's straight, fwiw, and he is an athletic marvel. He works for Kobe Bryant (Laker), and also all the Clippers. Most of his clients are or were professional athletes (and then there is me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time a family member says something unkind say, "you're rude," and walk away.

Yeah, that'll tell em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite supportive friends to the next recital.

I agree with this.

And I agree that it's worth limiting your kid's interactions with the 'bullies' in your family. We had to do this with a few family meme era. Still see them, but not nearly as close as we could be. My parents are immigrants so we have some family members who would absolutely feel the way your family does and would have no qualms about saying it to him.

Sorry OP. Always tough when it's family. Just make some space between your son and the dude family meme era. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a serious discussion with them one-on-one about this? Go deep into finding out what their concerns really are, and do as much listening and drawing them out as you can. From there, in a calm and as nonjudgmentally way as you can, see if you can address their concerns. Maybe then you can calmly move the conversation to getting them to actively engage them in thinking about the effect of their actions and behaviors on your son. What is their end goal? To make him feel bad about himself? To shame him into quitting ballet, which he enjoys?

If they think it's gay, does that mean they're homophobic and not progressive? So, for argument's sake, if your son is gay, will they reject him?

Which relatives are these? Grandmother, uncle, cousin?

[Anonymous]

I would spend less time with them. They're not progressive and supportive if they're talking to a 7 year old like that. Terrible. I have a hard time believing making fun of his ballet is the only negative thing they do. Protect your son.

[Anonymous]

When they get interested in girls they'll realize that he's smart as hell for those good odds. Seriously though are parents still letting their kids use gay as a slur? I thought that went out since I was a high schooler in the early 200s.

[Anonymous]

If you hear a family member saying something like this to your son you need to tell them firmly, so your son can hear, that you will not tolerate them bullying your son like that. If they keep it up, you leave the event or tell them to leave your house. You need to set this boundary and also show your son how to stand up for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't Gene Kelly classically trained in ballet? Maybe some of the older relatives would appreciate him, if some more modern names don't mean anything.

I was sad I missed the window with starting my son on ballet. He loves to dance, and is a strong very muscular and active child. I thought he would make a great male ballet dancer -- able to do lifts, etc., but was worried about finding a class that was active enough and not too princessy. I kept looking and then he got infected with the "ballet is for girls and the boys will make fun of me if I do it" disease. I do think one problem is the way that ballet is typically sold to little kids -- they really play up all the princess pink tutu crap, so no wonder the boys feel a little unwelcome. If you actually go to real ballet, it's not like that at all, and the male dancers look about as masculine as you can imagine.

Yeah, Mikhail Baryshnikov, what a pansy. Seriously, I would let my family members have it. They are being unkind to a child they are supposed to love.

In the meantime, I agree that you should invite supportive friends (and any family members who are willing) to attend the recitals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bullied? How?

Poke fun at. Tell him that it's for girls/gays, etc. They'll suggest more boyish things for him to do instead, like sports and refuse to attend his recitals. It's just one part of his life, which is why I haven't jumped to more extreme measures, but I feel like it's coming to that point...
I did have a talk with everyone, but this has continued to happen when he's with them and away from me and as he's gotten older, he has noticed that all other kids have extended family attending recitals and for him, it's just DH and me.

Seriously? I'm sorry, OP. How sternly have you come down on these jerks? Have you made it clear how hurtful this is to him? i hope you find nicer family and friends to invite to his recital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bullied? How?

Poke fun at. Tell him that it's for girls/gays, etc. They'll suggest more boyish things for him to do instead, like sports and refuse to attend his recitals. It's just one part of his life, which is why I haven't jumped to more extreme measures, but I feel like it's coming to that point...
I did have a talk with everyone, but this has continued to happen when he's with them and away from me and as he's gotten older, he has noticed that all other kids have extended family attending recitals and for him, it's just DH and me.

Have one more talk. "Not only are your comments sexist and homophobic, but they are hurtful. Larlo loves you and looks up to you, and you are knowingly hurting his feelings. You either stop with the comments, or you won't see him as much, because I am not going to continue to make my child listen to the people who are supposed to love him tear him down."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for all these suggestions and comments. It's both grandparents and brother and sister-in-law on DH's side. We were living in Seattle a year and a half ago when we moved to the area for work, which seemed great at the time to be near his family and DS can finally have a cousin close in age to play with.

I did not realize how sexist and homophobic DH's family was until this move and their interactions with my son.. they're politically liberal.. Big difference I've learned.

I think the underlying worry is that DS is gay or as they have accused me of trying to "make him gay." Both DH and I have spoke to them about this but I have a feeling we're just looked at as the strange west-coasters. Obviously DH and I would not mind one bit if our son discovered he was gay. Regardless, gay or not, I'm not comfortable with DS being exposed to them and their bigotry, but he loves playing with his cousin and he loves his grandparents.

I think less interaction is the key here, although I'll admit I was hoping someone would have a magical solution for me, but ultimately I think they are who they are. All the arguments above I've made.

Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

My son did ballet from 3 1/2 to 5. I was surprised to hear comments from family members including my brother who has 2 sons that are around 8 years older than my kids. He kept telling me to put my son in more traditional male sports. My son also played soccer and he would buy him soccer balls and soccer team jerseys. I was really annoyed when he made those comments but I really don't think he said it to be mean or hurtful. He had 2 boys go through elementary school and realized a lot of boy socialization is through sports like soccer and basketball. Most boys are playing those sports at recess, they see classmates at rec soccer league, sometimes teams are formed by schools. My son ended up not wanting to do ballet when the only other boy dropped out of his class but he learned a lot about coordinating his body and feet which I think helped him in soccer, basketball, and baseball. His coaches have said he "has good feet" because of the way he moves. Have you considered adding a sport like soccer?
Have you seen the movie First Position - it is on Netflix? It is a documentary about girls and boys in a ballet competition. The boys are amazing! Invite your family over to watch so they understand how athletic the boys are.

[Anonymous]

They should all be forced to watch "Billy Elliot."

[Anonymous]

That isn't bullying.