If your parents divorced when you were not a minor, how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It affects me a lot. Don't fall for the wishful thinking that it won't, or that the impact is only emotional. It has been really difficult for me to care for them separately as they age, in separate locations. The logustics are not just the holidays, they are every time a parent gets sick or needs help with moving or something. Neither one really has enough savings to afford a nice retirement. My mom is single and lonely, she really dislikes having less grandchild time. The worst is when they are sick at the same time and I have to choose between them. There is no way tp avoid being caught in the middle now that I am an adult and they are losing their ability to live independently.

My main advice is do not expect your children to like this. Go ahead and do it if you want and can afford to, but know that it is going to be very difficult for them. Decide if it is worth it to you, knowing that you will probably see less of your kids and grandkids.

I agree 100%. My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage when I was in my mid-20s and my youngest sister was still in college. The house I grew up in was happy and I remember thinking when I was in college how lucky I was to have a good, intact family. Then they both had mid-life crises and instead of working through them my mom walked out, rather impulsively. She had no money saved, no plan, she just wanted something different. In her head, Christmas in her new life was Christmas with her three kids just minus the husband. She gave no thought to Christmases alone and that we kids would need to split time with our dad. She gave no thought to aging or money. We kids went back and forth blaming one parent or the other. Our family never recovered. There was no new normal. As we got married, our nuclear family ceased to exist. Now, both of my parents are aging poorly and even though neither is very old the burdens have been tremendous. My sisters and I have been fighting about who does what, complicated by the fact that I am not local and they are. At the moment we are not speaking. I feel like I have no family anymore. My mom never got the fancy life she imagined and although my dad did recover and had some long term girlfriends they are both alone now and will likely die that way. Meanwhile, my ILs just celebrated their 65th anniversary and although their marriage is far from perfect they support each other, which has contributed greatly to their longevity and independence as they push 90.

[Anonymous]

Impacted me deeply. I was in college at the time. My dad disappeared. My mom decided to date like a single 20-something. They both had to file bankruptcy so I had to pull together college tuition on my own. I got all sorts of weird relationship issues from my mom sleeping around (and sharing all of the details) and telling me how terrible and untrustworthy men are. I was forced to help parent my younger siblings and testify against my dad in court. My dad has resurfaced and disappeared multiple times over the years. One parent remarried to someone none of us trust, the other is lonely and broke. They both try harder now to be present and adult, but for my own sanity I've had to limit contact.

[Anonymous]

It didn't really bother me in my 20s. It was sad, but there was no elder care and I had no clue about the financial impact. When I got married and saw how my ILs' happy marriage is the foundation of their family and enables them to support each other and the kids amd grandkids so much better, I realized what I was missing and went through a grieving process that had me depressed for a year or so. Elder care is now ramping up and it is super hard. I worry a lot about them living alone. Even people who hate each other wilm call 9-1-1. I wish my parents had that.

[Anonymous]

I will say elder care will happen whether or not your parents divorce. But all else being equal it is likely that elder care of divorced parents will be harder just b/c they are in two different places and can't pool their limited abilities together (e.g. maybe Dad's unable to get around without a walker but he's still pretty sharp and can help make sure Mom doesn't get bowled over by the Medical-Industrial Complex because Mom never wanted to cause problems.)

With that said, it all depends on the anger they have and the quality of the remarriage/LTR should one emerge.

You don't know what it's like being married to your mom/your dad. Sure maybe Dad cheated, but did Mom yell at him non-stop for 30 years? Sure maybe Mom ran off, but did Dad drink too much (and just do a good job hiding it)?

Also, if one of my/my DW's parents just decides to abandon the other, you can damn well bet we will take sides (at least until we get more information).

[Anonymous]

It affected me because my mom is incredibly needy and began calling me 15 times a day about minor problems my dad used to deal with. But I can understand why my dad could no longer deal with some of her behavior.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was in college, after years of a difficult marriage. So it wasn't a huge surprise. What was and has been a challenge for me is that my dad remarried, to a woman with children the same age as my brother and me. My dad and his wife think of themselves as having a big, blended happy family, when in reality none of the adult children give one shit about their "step siblings", and it's terribly awkward for us when we're all together at the odd holiday. The other thing that has been weird is that my dad and his wife do everything together (which is great for them), but it means that I no longer have any relationship with my dad that doesn't involve his wife. That used to bother me a lot, but over time doesn't bother me as much.

I think the bottom line is that when parents divorce when their children are adults, they often assume that the adult children don't require any sensitivity or effort to make sure everyone adjusts well to new circumstances. While I'm glad my dad found new happiness, I wish he had been more thoughtful where his kids were concerned.

[Anonymous]

It stinks no matter what the age. While its less confusing as a young adult you can have a much better grasp of each parent's flaws which can be painful. And you are smart enough to know that you have years ahead of you with dealing with all the hassles of having divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It stinks no matter what the age. While its less confusing as a young adult you can have a much better grasp of each parent's flaws which can be painful. And you are smart enough to know that you have years ahead of you with dealing with all the hassles of having divorced parents.

I look at it as you can have just A: being an adult child of divorce, or A+B, being a minor child of divorce and then an adult child of divorce. So it is way better to have just A and skip the whole hassle of living in two houses, living with new people, etc. Also, delaying usually saves money, so there's that. A divorced retirement is a much more expensive retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in college, after years of a difficult marriage. So it wasn't a huge surprise. What was and has been a challenge for me is that my dad remarried, to a woman with children the same age as my brother and me. My dad and his wife think of themselves as having a big, blended happy family, when in reality none of the adult children give one shit about their "step siblings", and it's terribly awkward for us when we're all together at the odd holiday. The other thing that has been weird is that my dad and his wife do everything together (which is great for them), but it means that I no longer have any relationship with my dad that doesn't involve his wife. That used to bother me a lot, but over time doesn't bother me as much.

I think the bottom line is that when parents divorce when their children are adults, they often assume that the adult children don't require any sensitivity or effort to make sure everyone adjusts well to new circumstances. While I'm glad my dad found new happiness, I wish he had been more thoughtful where his kids were concerned.

This. Divorce if you want to, but don't expect everyone else to bow and scrape at the altar of the Blended Family. You just taught your children that your marriage vows are not permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It affects me a lot. Don't fall for the wishful thinking that it won't, or that the impact is only emotional. It has been really difficult for me to care for them separately as they age, in separate locations. The logustics are not just the holidays, they are every time a parent gets sick or needs help with moving or something. Neither one really has enough savings to afford a nice retirement. My mom is single and lonely, she really dislikes having less grandchild time. The worst is when they are sick at the same time and I have to choose between them. There is no way tp avoid being caught in the middle now that I am an adult and they are losing their ability to live independently.

My main advice is do not expect your children to like this. Go ahead and do it if you want and can afford to, but know that it is going to be very difficult for them. Decide if it is worth it to you, knowing that you will probably see less of your kids and grandkids.

I agree 100%. My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage when I was in my mid-20s and my youngest sister was still in college. The house I grew up in was happy and I remember thinking when I was in college how lucky I was to have a good, intact family. Then they both had mid-life crises and instead of working through them my mom walked out, rather impulsively. She had no money saved, no plan, she just wanted something different. In her head, Christmas in her new life was Christmas with her three kids just minus the husband. She gave no thought to Christmases alone and that we kids would need to split time with our dad. She gave no thought to aging or money. We kids went back and forth blaming one parent or the other. Our family never recovered. There was no new normal. As we got married, our nuclear family ceased to exist. Now, both of my parents are aging poorly and even though neither is very old the burdens have been tremendous. My sisters and I have been fighting about who does what, complicated by the fact that I am not local and they are. At the moment we are not speaking. I feel like I have no family anymore. My mom never got the fancy life she imagined and although my dad did recover and had some long term girlfriends they are both alone now and will likely die that way. Meanwhile, my ILs just celebrated their 65th anniversary and although their marriage is far from perfect they support each other, which has contributed greatly to their longevity and independence as they push 90.

I think the bolded is very true ... we want what we have minus the annoying husband/wife. But it doesn't exactly work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in college, after years of a difficult marriage. So it wasn't a huge surprise. What was and has been a challenge for me is that my dad remarried, to a woman with children the same age as my brother and me. My dad and his wife think of themselves as having a big, blended happy family, when in reality none of the adult children give one shit about their "step siblings", and it's terribly awkward for us when we're all together at the odd holiday. The other thing that has been weird is that my dad and his wife do everything together (which is great for them), but it means that I no longer have any relationship with my dad that doesn't involve his wife. That used to bother me a lot, but over time doesn't bother me as much.

I think the bottom line is that when parents divorce when their children are adults, they often assume that the adult children don't require any sensitivity or effort to make sure everyone adjusts well to new circumstances. While I'm glad my dad found new happiness, I wish he had been more thoughtful where his kids were concerned.

This This This!!!!

Perhaps you are my relative, because this is us, exactly and its so freaking annoying. Being forced to have a relationship with dad's new wife's kids is obnoxious, and even more so that I have to invite her grandkids to my kids bday parties. We don't like each other (we don't hate each other either) and that's ok. Trying to shoehorn this so-called blended family is among the biggest annoyances but of course we have to smile and say happythankyoumoreplease

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was young, and I grew up doing the joint custody thing, which was far more normal to me than a nuclear family by the time I was off to college. I have no idea what caused the divorce, but it is hard to imagine they'd be less happy together than they are now. My mother re-married to an older man who is, surprise, now really old and cranky, while she is still relatively youthful for her age. As he's gotten older and lost his filter, some other things have started coming out such as some latent racism and strong political leanings. Not to mention he apparently wasn't the best father to his own kids (all older, never met them except brief every few years visits) and was in the military for a number of years, has never lost the mentality, and is of course never wrong. The short of it, she resents him and hates being married to him, but is sticking it out to the end.

My father remarried to a woman who was sweet for many years, but has gone through some changes that I don't want to get into now. Basically, her personality changed over time into that of a really mean, childish person who we can barely stand to be around. And she doesn't like our kids, I think mostly due to the changes she has undergone. Sadly, if you met her walking the dog around the neighborhood...sweet as pie, but we get a very different person. Unfortunately, my father recognizes this, and it has been pointed out to him by multiple other people, but chooses to "make the best of it." The result is he sees far less of his grandkids than he would like, but we were clear with him after the 10th, 20th, 50th incident that if he wanted to see us, it would have to be without her. His choice to make.

Both of my parents had very good careers and didn't need to be married again for financial reasons, etc. It would have been far better if they had both remained single, but everyone has 20/20 hindsight.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is not the most horrible thing that can happen to you. It's not that difficult to deal with. Try dealing with suicide. You never get THAT image out of your head. I manage to live a normal life without needing therapy, manage to raise happy kids, and manage to be a very strong person. You control your mind, how you deal with what happens to you, and how you let it affect your life. You either turn out to be a fighter or a quitter. It's up to you. I am a fighter. I'm tired of these "Woe is me, poor kids, poor adults, poor everyone, divorce is sooooo terrible" threads. What's terrible is knowing that your dad was a left-handed sharpshooter but was shot on the right side of his head, at an odd angle, and his "suicide" was the only one in the county that was not investigated. Try living with those kinds of questions and still being strong enough to deal with it. Stop whining about divorce and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is not the most horrible thing that can happen to you. It's not that difficult to deal with. Try dealing with suicide. You never get THAT image out of your head. I manage to live a normal life without needing therapy, manage to raise happy kids, and manage to be a very strong person. You control your mind, how you deal with what happens to you, and how you let it affect your life. You either turn out to be a fighter or a quitter. It's up to you. I am a fighter. I'm tired of these "Woe is me, poor kids, poor adults, poor everyone, divorce is sooooo terrible" threads. What's terrible is knowing that your dad was a left-handed sharpshooter but was shot on the right side of his head, at an odd angle, and his "suicide" was the only one in the county that was not investigated. Try living with those kinds of questions and still being strong enough to deal with it. Stop whining about divorce and grow up.

You have to tell us more..if you're comfortable doing that I e

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is not the most horrible thing that can happen to you. It's not that difficult to deal with. Try dealing with suicide. You never get THAT image out of your head. I manage to live a normal life without needing therapy, manage to raise happy kids, and manage to be a very strong person. You control your mind, how you deal with what happens to you, and how you let it affect your life. You either turn out to be a fighter or a quitter. It's up to you. I am a fighter. I'm tired of these "Woe is me, poor kids, poor adults, poor everyone, divorce is sooooo terrible" threads. What's terrible is knowing that your dad was a left-handed sharpshooter but was shot on the right side of his head, at an odd angle, and his "suicide" was the only one in the county that was not investigated. Try living with those kinds of questions and still being strong enough to deal with it. Stop whining about divorce and grow up.

Cancer is terrible, too, but that's not what's being discussed on this thread.