If your parents divorced when you were not a minor, how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

See numerous threads on what it does to smaller kids, but what about parents who split when you were in college and later? Outside of the logistics of your own kids having to visit numerous houses for holidays, were you sad? Surprised? Did you blame one of them? Do they at least now reasonably get along so you are not caught in the middle?

[Anonymous]

One of my friends almost dropped out of medical school. Her parents looked like one of those picture perfect couples and they had the best kids parties. I don't know why it had such an impact. She never talked about it, got herself back together and back to school.

[Anonymous]

It affects me a lot. Don't fall for the wishful thinking that it won't, or that the impact is only emotional. It has been really difficult for me to care for them separately as they age, in separate locations. The logustics are not just the holidays, they are every time a parent gets sick or needs help with moving or something. Neither one really has enough savings to afford a nice retirement. My mom is single and lonely, she really dislikes having less grandchild time. The worst is when they are sick at the same time and I have to choose between them. There is no way tp avoid being caught in the middle now that I am an adult and they are losing their ability to live independently.

My main advice is do not expect your children to like this. Go ahead and do it if you want and can afford to, but know that it is going to be very difficult for them. Decide if it is worth it to you, knowing that you will probably see less of your kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Of course I was sad! Even though they weren't very happy it was nice not to have to split time and go from house to house. Everything was just so much simpler without having to deal with my dad's girlfriend and her weird rules and annoying kids.

The part that makes me the saddest is that neither of them is any happier.

[Anonymous]

The thing that made it difficult for me is not so much the divorce but the one parent's adultery. Felt like such a betrayal of us kids, not just the spouse.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents divorced when he was in college. He didn't talk to his dad for several years and now, 25 years later, he only sees him one day a year. Although my mil didn't appreciate it at the time, it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was in my mid-teens, so not quite what you were asking. But I will tell you - it has only gotten harder as I've gotten older, had my own family, had to share time with inlaws, people move cross country, etc. Being an adult child of divorce has lots of challenges, and they all fall on you to solve vs the parents solving them.

I also have seem a lot of parents become VERY selfish when they divorce and their kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that made it difficult for me is not so much the divorce but the one parent's adultery. Felt like such a betrayal of us kids, not just the spouse.

This. My mom betrayed us all. It is really shocking to find out that someone you love has been living a lie for years and years. If you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust? Our relationship will probably never recover, and I do not accept her AP as a family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in my mid-teens, so not quite what you were asking. But I will tell you - it has only gotten harder as I've gotten older, had my own family, had to share time with inlaws, people move cross country, etc. Being an adult child of divorce has lots of challenges, and they all fall on you to solve vs the parents solving them.

I also have seem a lot of parents become VERY selfish when they divorce and their kids are grown.

This. Adult children of divorce get no sympathy for the loss of their family. If you have any negative opinions that just means you aren't "resilient" enough. Meanwhile, caring for aging parents is fantastically expensive and time-consuming. It has been very hard.

OP, don't expect your children to help you out any more than they would if you were married. Both my parents are starting to ask me for help with things that they used to help each other with, and it's a lot. If you are making this choice, own the consequences.

The worst is knowing that nobody is there to call 911 if something happens. Neither has had a successful long-term relationship, at all.

[Anonymous]

Parents divorced when I was a senior in high school. For me, it was and is far more of a hassle than an emotional problem (although my DW thinks I am stunted so take what you will). The bigger problem was the fight between my mom and my dad and the bitch he cheated on her with (she is a bitch, not cause she slept with dad, but because she is a bitch). They couldn't be in the same room together, their hostility is still there. You can imagine the fun that was my wedding. I rarely take the kids to see either of them because I am not interested in being seen as taking sides. So it's probably harder on them than me.

My sister took it much worse, I think it still affects her.

All in all, we are fine. It wasn't the divorce so much as the venom post-divorce that caused the problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents divorced when I was a senior in high school. For me, it was and is far more of a hassle than an emotional problem (although my DW thinks I am stunted so take what you will). The bigger problem was the fight between my mom and my dad and the bitch he cheated on her with (she is a bitch, not cause she slept with dad, but because she is a bitch). They couldn't be in the same room together, their hostility is still there. You can imagine the fun that was my wedding. I rarely take the kids to see either of them because I am not interested in being seen as taking sides. So it's probably harder on them than me.

My sister took it much worse, I think it still affects her.

All in all, we are fine. It wasn't the divorce so much as the venom post-divorce that caused the problems.

One other comment to add - neither parent appears happy in their new relationship. Not sure what they were running from, they seemed happy enough. It's their bed, and it won't be me making it when they grow old.

[Anonymous]

It has been a giant pain. My dad remarried a woman who is subservient and deals with his medical issues, so that is good, but sad that his true asshole colors are showing through as he walks all over his wife. It is a good deal for her because he supports her failure to launch son. I hate visiting the three of them, so he definitely sees less of his grandkids.

My mom is super needy. Even though she wanted the divorce, she is always whining about having to live alone and wanting DH to do chores for her. She lives nearby so she does see my kids, but cost of living is high and she has had a hard time finding a good job. I really wish they were still together, they are not any happier and it has caused a lot of problems. Mainly I have lost respext for them due to their short-sightedness and inability to accept the consequences of their own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents divorced when I was a senior in high school. For me, it was and is far more of a hassle than an emotional problem (although my DW thinks I am stunted so take what you will). The bigger problem was the fight between my mom and my dad and the bitch he cheated on her with (she is a bitch, not cause she slept with dad, but because she is a bitch). They couldn't be in the same room together, their hostility is still there. You can imagine the fun that was my wedding. I rarely take the kids to see either of them because I am not interested in being seen as taking sides. So it's probably harder on them than me.

My sister took it much worse, I think it still affects her.

All in all, we are fine. It wasn't the divorce so much as the venom post-divorce that caused the problems.

One other comment to add - neither parent appears happy in their new relationship. Not sure what they were running from, they seemed happy enough. It's their bed, and it won't be me making it when they grow old.

You mom was running from a man who cheats on her.

It is okay to take sides. Your wife is right, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has been a giant pain. My dad remarried a woman who is subservient and deals with his medical issues, so that is good, but sad that his true asshole colors are showing through as he walks all over his wife. It is a good deal for her because he supports her failure to launch son.

None of that sounds like your problem.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is super needy. Even though she wanted the divorce, she is always whining about having to live alone and wanting DH to do chores for her. She lives nearby so she does see my kids, but cost of living is high and she has had a hard time finding a good job. I really wish they were still together, they are not any happier and it has caused a lot of problems. Mainly I have lost respext for them due to their short-sightedness and inability to accept the consequences of their own choices.

So your dad should be miserable with her just so you don't have to deal with her bullshit. Got it. How selfish of him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been a giant pain. My dad remarried a woman who is subservient and deals with his medical issues, so that is good, but sad that his true asshole colors are showing through as he walks all over his wife. It is a good deal for her because he supports her failure to launch son.

None of that sounds like your problem.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is super needy. Even though she wanted the divorce, she is always whining about having to live alone and wanting DH to do chores for her. She lives nearby so she does see my kids, but cost of living is high and she has had a hard time finding a good job. I really wish they were still together, they are not any happier and it has caused a lot of problems. Mainly I have lost respext for them due to their short-sightedness and inability to accept the consequences of their own choices.

So your dad should be miserable with her just so you don't have to deal with her bullshit. Got it. How selfish of him!

Or she could hire some help instead of dumping her problems on her son in law.

If my dad had not been an asshole to her for 30 years, maybe they would have had a happy marriage.