Dating someone with kids

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like the stage of life that you are in and the stage of life that this woman are in are not a fit. Based on my experience, which granted is just one person, you are right to end things and move on. I am a 42 year old divorced mom of a 9 year old. I ran into a similar issue with an older divorced guy that I dated who had a grown son that was out of the house - he just never accepted that I couldn't pick up at a moment's notice and do stuff, even though he had raised his own kid and knew what it was life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's really divorced op? It's odd they don't have a set custody schedule. Now onto you. What kind of surprise trips and spontaneous outings do you plan? I started off wanting to like you, because I have fantasies of my husband whisking me off for a surprise weekend or trip. The reality is that she and any healthy woman isn't going to have all weekend open for you, and kids have nothing to do with it. There are two events I care about next weekend, a trivia competition and an air show. If you and I were dating and you "surprised" me with a trip, I'd not be real happy, at least not this weekend. Figure out if your "surprises" aren't a means of control. Then talk with her and figure out why she and the ex don't have a set schedule. That is the huge red flag here in my opinion. If you want to meet her kid, talk with her about that. Finally, know you can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. She can do the same.

She said she's been divorced for two years and the reason they don't have a set schedule is because he has side jobs and he's not always available. She told me it works for them so I don't question it.

As far as the surprises go, I wanted to take her to the Poconos for a romantic weekend since she said she's always wanted to go. When it gets warmer maybe the beach for a day or even a romantic dinner or a dinner cruise. I was planning a spa day for her birthday that's coming up in a few weeks. I don't think it's controlling, I like to wine and dine the woman I'm dating. I believe in treating her like a Queen.

You want a grand romance. That is hard to have with a woman who is already knee-deep in the mundanity of day-to-day family life. When (if) you have your own kids, your life will naturally evolve, but it sounds like you would really miss having that "season" of romance and freedom. A woman with a child is not going to be able to be that partner.

This was a lesson learned for me.

[Anonymous]

Not all of us have custody schedules where we get entire weekends off. Not all of us have custody schedules where we always have the same days off. And yes, we typically recognize that this will be a barrier to dating. Let's face it, kids in general are a barrier to dating. Most of us recognized that and had them anyway.

Thing is, once most of us are full-fledged grownups, we understand that adulthood generally comes with obligations. It isn't always possible to get away at the last minute. Nights out or weekends out can take planning. I'm not really a spontaneous person anyway; someone who desperately wanted to fill my life with grand spontaneous gestures would drive me nuts.

As for the single dad who felt bad for his child-free girlfriend because she was always disappointed in him not having more time - I don't think he came off as an asshole. I think it's good that he recognized that the relationship wasn't a good fit. He needs someone who has less free time on her hands and his ex needs someone who has more time for her. Maybe we could fix her up with the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I told her we're better off being friends since she's busy with her child and I like being spontaneous. She cried, but she understands and hopes maybe once I really get to know her that I'll give her another chance. I feel guilty, but at the same time I'm relieved that it's over.

Do you truly want to be friends and still get to know her further?

Your relief says a lot.

[Anonymous]

To OP, it sounds like it wasn't just the fact that she is a parent, it's that her parenting arrangements with her ex are unreliable. If it works for them, great; that's a LOT to ask someone else to go along for the ride for.

When I was dating after divorce (I had two small kids), even as a parent, it would have taken an extraordinary person for me to tolerate a parenting set up like that. I have my kids most of the time but have a reliable schedule with my ex. That's really important to me, the kids, and for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I told her we're better off being friends since she's busy with her child and I like being spontaneous. She cried, but she understands and hopes maybe once I really get to know her that I'll give her another chance. I feel guilty, but at the same time I'm relieved that it's over.

Do you truly want to be friends and still get to know her further?

Your relief says a lot.

I would like to get to know her better, but only as friends. I'm relieved because I've been debating for some time now on whether or not to end things. Now that I have, I'm relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To OP, it sounds like it wasn't just the fact that she is a parent, it's that her parenting arrangements with her ex are unreliable. If it works for them, great; that's a LOT to ask someone else to go along for the ride for.

When I was dating after divorce (I had two small kids), even as a parent, it would have taken an extraordinary person for me to tolerate a parenting set up like that. I have my kids most of the time but have a reliable schedule with my ex. That's really important to me, the kids, and for everyone.

It is a lot to ask. In the beginning, I didn't know that was their arrangement. I knew she had her child more than he did, but I still thought they had set days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP, it sounds like it wasn't just the fact that she is a parent, it's that her parenting arrangements with her ex are unreliable. If it works for them, great; that's a LOT to ask someone else to go along for the ride for.

When I was dating after divorce (I had two small kids), even as a parent, it would have taken an extraordinary person for me to tolerate a parenting set up like that. I have my kids most of the time but have a reliable schedule with my ex. That's really important to me, the kids, and for everyone.

It is a lot to ask. In the beginning, I didn't know that was their arrangement. I knew she had her child more than he did, but I still thought they had set days.

OP, you really don't sound too passionate about her in the first place. To call a woman nice is like saying a man has a good personality. In < three months of dating you should know enough about someone to figure out if there is at least an intermediate term fit. And the older you get, the more you are going to find women with kids when you want to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To OP, it sounds like it wasn't just the fact that she is a parent, it's that her parenting arrangements with her ex are unreliable. If it works for them, great; that's a LOT to ask someone else to go along for the ride for.

When I was dating after divorce (I had two small kids), even as a parent, it would have taken an extraordinary person for me to tolerate a parenting set up like that. I have my kids most of the time but have a reliable schedule with my ex. That's really important to me, the kids, and for everyone.

Actually, someone who wants to take off for surprise weekends in the Poconos is not likely going to enjoy step-parenthood. Unless, of course, OP is very wealthy and can easily make arrangements that work for everyone. Even on weekends "off," it's likely moms will have things to do that they couldn't do on their weekends "on."

Then again, I'm like the PP who would not like to be surprised like that. If you said, "keep the weekend on the 5th free; we're going somewhere" that would be fine. If you called me on the night of the 4th and said, "pack a bag for a beach vacation and one special occasion outfit," I'd likely say I couldn't make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been seeing this woman for three months. She's divorced with a 8 year old. She's a nice woman, I haven't met her kid. I don't have kids so I have more free time than she does. I'm a very spontaneous person and I love to plan surprise outings or trips. It's really hard to do with her because her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kid so this make things difficult. Honestly, I'm thinking about ending things with her because of this and since it's still early in the relationship. Would I be a jerk for ending this because of this?

OP she needs to be organized with the visits, and yes they need to be set days and times. That's stability for the child, and all involved. First I would ask her if she could do that so you could all make plans. Either the child will attend or when child is with dad, you can plan adult things. Put it that way. If she's not on board, I would deem her a flake and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been seeing this woman for three months. She's divorced with a 8 year old. She's a nice woman, I haven't met her kid. I don't have kids so I have more free time than she does. I'm a very spontaneous person and I love to plan surprise outings or trips. It's really hard to do with her because her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kid so this make things difficult. Honestly, I'm thinking about ending things with her because of this and since it's still early in the relationship. Would I be a jerk for ending this because of this?

OP she needs to be organized with the visits, and yes they need to be set days and times. That's stability for the child, and all involved. First I would ask her if she could do that so you could all make plans. Either the child will attend or when child is with dad, you can plan adult things. Put it that way. If she's not on board, I would deem her a flake and move on.

What? Why? Because she doesn't like to take lots of trips? I might deem her a homebody, or even a stick-in-the-mud depending on her reasons, but why a "flake?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been seeing this woman for three months. She's divorced with a 8 year old. She's a nice woman, I haven't met her kid. I don't have kids so I have more free time than she does. I'm a very spontaneous person and I love to plan surprise outings or trips. It's really hard to do with her because her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kid so this make things difficult. Honestly, I'm thinking about ending things with her because of this and since it's still early in the relationship. Would I be a jerk for ending this because of this?

OP she needs to be organized with the visits, and yes they need to be set days and times. That's stability for the child, and all involved. First I would ask her if she could do that so you could all make plans. Either the child will attend or when child is with dad, you can plan adult things. Put it that way. If she's not on board, I would deem her a flake and move on.

What? Why? Because she doesn't like to take lots of trips? I might deem her a homebody, or even a stick-in-the-mud depending on her reasons, but why a "flake?"

Her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kids. Yes that's flaky!

[Anonymous]

OP give her a little notice so she can send the kid to the dad's. That's probably all you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I told her we're better off being friends since she's busy with her child and I like being spontaneous. She cried, but she understands and hopes maybe once I really get to know her that I'll give her another chance. I feel guilty, but at the same time I'm relieved that it's over.

Do you truly want to be friends and still get to know her further?

Your relief says a lot.

I would like to get to know her better, but only as friends. I'm relieved because I've been debating for some time now on whether or not to end things. Now that I have, I'm relieved.

Downgrade her to fwb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been seeing this woman for three months. She's divorced with a 8 year old. She's a nice woman, I haven't met her kid. I don't have kids so I have more free time than she does. I'm a very spontaneous person and I love to plan surprise outings or trips. It's really hard to do with her because her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kid so this make things difficult. Honestly, I'm thinking about ending things with her because of this and since it's still early in the relationship. Would I be a jerk for ending this because of this?

OP she needs to be organized with the visits, and yes they need to be set days and times. That's stability for the child, and all involved. First I would ask her if she could do that so you could all make plans. Either the child will attend or when child is with dad, you can plan adult things. Put it that way. If she's not on board, I would deem her a flake and move on.

What? Why? Because she doesn't like to take lots of trips? I might deem her a homebody, or even a stick-in-the-mud depending on her reasons, but why a "flake?"

Her and her ex don't have a set time when he has the kids. Yes that's flaky!

You are blaming her for something she doesn't control. You can only have a set schedule when your co-parent agrees. Yes, my ex has a set schedule, but in practice he often calls at the last minute and says he'll be late or he's going out of town for work. What am I going to do - leave my kids dangling? Yes, I can say he has to get a sitter, but frankly I'd rather have the time with the kids than have him leave them alone, or with a rando sitter or crazy relative or girlfriend.

You people think we have some control over our ex-spouses. Believe me, if I could control him, I would've forced him not to cheat or lie. But, I could no more do that than force him to be a responsible parent.