Dating someone with kids

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced with a kid and I broke up with someone who was single because of this issue. She had so much time on her hands, and was always asking me to do stuff and feeling disappointed. My schedule is so packed, with kid stuff and the rest of life that I am just not spontaneous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with a kid and I broke up with someone who was single because of this issue. She had so much time on her hands, and was always asking me to do stuff and feeling disappointed. My schedule is so packed, with kid stuff and the rest of life that I am just not spontaneous.

Yeah, how dare she want to spend time with her boyfriend and not just see him for random wine and sex. What a self-centered childless person!

Good thing you are no longer together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced mom, I almost exclusively date single dads. Guys without kids just don't get it. And that's ok. I didn't get it before I had kids either. If you prefer the spontaneity of your child free life, you probably want to steer clear of women with kids, at least ones in elementary school.

Was just having this same conversation with a friend. She says rarely dates someone that has never been married and has no kids because they don't get the scheduling thing. That said, I have several friends that did end up with guys that have never been married and have no kids. But in those cases the guy was a co-worker (so there was time to get to know each other during the workday) and/or the person had true 50% custody with a set schedule p,us family in the area to help.

Agree wth everyone else that it is okay to break up, just don't ghost. Being able to plan spontaneous outings is part of who you are and what you enjoy so you need someone that can do the same.

I think this key both parties have to be willing to make the relationship work. Relationships take time and getting to know someone assuming your in for something serious and not just sex you should be wanting to get to know the person who will potentially spending time with your kids.
This is true even if the person you choose to date has kids, this is why so many people move in with the new spouse and are so shocked to find out they aren't compatible and they have different parenting styles because they never spent any real time together, and they thought it was all good "because the scheduling thing worked out"
It's also sad how many people take it as a negative if their bf/gf wants to spend time with them. They really aren't being selfish.
But you are if you put forth you are looking for a relationship, but refuse to spend any time with that person. Be honest.

[Anonymous]

Since you described her as nothing more than a nice woman she doesn't sound like someone you really care about. Her #1 priority will be her child and it is something you have to deal with. Since you don't sound very excited about her it's best to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're within your rights. She may not be for you because of this, and that's reality.

If you're feeling this now, better to be upfront and end it now versus one or both of you attaching but having conflict, tension, incompatibility.

Maybe you're also just not that into her, and for the right person, you'd be fine with this dynamic.

I think that's part of the problem too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you described her as nothing more than a nice woman she doesn't sound like someone you really care about. Her #1 priority will be her child and it is something you have to deal with. Since you don't sound very excited about her it's best to move on.

How can she be more than a nice woman if she refuses to spend time with him so they can get to know each other better? This has nothing to do with her kid being her #1 priority and everything to do with the fact that the gf isn't interested in having a relationship with this guy beyond meeting up here and there for drinks and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're within your rights. She may not be for you because of this, and that's reality.

If you're feeling this now, better to be upfront and end it now versus one or both of you attaching but having conflict, tension, incompatibility.

[b]Maybe you're also just not that into her, and for the right person, you'd be fine with this dynamic. [/b]

I think that's part of the problem too.

BS!

The lies single moms tell themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I told her we're better off being friends since she's busy with her child and I like being spontaneous. She cried, but she understands and hopes maybe once I really get to know her that I'll give her another chance. I feel guilty, but at the same time I'm relieved that it's over.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she's really divorced op? It's odd they don't have a set custody schedule. Now onto you. What kind of surprise trips and spontaneous outings do you plan? I started off wanting to like you, because I have fantasies of my husband whisking me off for a surprise weekend or trip. The reality is that she and any healthy woman isn't going to have all weekend open for you, and kids have nothing to do with it. There are two events I care about next weekend, a trivia competition and an air show. If you and I were dating and you "surprised" me with a trip, I'd not be real happy, at least not this weekend. Figure out if your "surprises" aren't a means of control. Then talk with her and figure out why she and the ex don't have a set schedule. That is the huge red flag here in my opinion. If you want to meet her kid, talk with her about that. Finally, know you can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. She can do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's really divorced op? It's odd they don't have a set custody schedule. Now onto you. What kind of surprise trips and spontaneous outings do you plan? I started off wanting to like you, because I have fantasies of my husband whisking me off for a surprise weekend or trip. The reality is that she and any healthy woman isn't going to have all weekend open for you, and kids have nothing to do with it. There are two events I care about next weekend, a trivia competition and an air show. If you and I were dating and you "surprised" me with a trip, I'd not be real happy, at least not this weekend. Figure out if your "surprises" aren't a means of control. Then talk with her and figure out why she and the ex don't have a set schedule. That is the huge red flag here in my opinion. If you want to meet her kid, talk with her about that. Finally, know you can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. She can do the same.

She said she's been divorced for two years and the reason they don't have a set schedule is because he has side jobs and he's not always available. She told me it works for them so I don't question it.

As far as the surprises go, I wanted to take her to the Poconos for a romantic weekend since she said she's always wanted to go. When it gets warmer maybe the beach for a day or even a romantic dinner or a dinner cruise. I was planning a spa day for her birthday that's coming up in a few weeks. I don't think it's controlling, I like to wine and dine the woman I'm dating. I believe in treating her like a Queen.

[Anonymous]

Yes, end it now. Single vs Single Mom is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's really divorced op? It's odd they don't have a set custody schedule. Now onto you. What kind of surprise trips and spontaneous outings do you plan? I started off wanting to like you, because I have fantasies of my husband whisking me off for a surprise weekend or trip. The reality is that she and any healthy woman isn't going to have all weekend open for you, and kids have nothing to do with it. There are two events I care about next weekend, a trivia competition and an air show. If you and I were dating and you "surprised" me with a trip, I'd not be real happy, at least not this weekend. Figure out if your "surprises" aren't a means of control. Then talk with her and figure out why she and the ex don't have a set schedule. That is the huge red flag here in my opinion. If you want to meet her kid, talk with her about that. Finally, know you can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. She can do the same.

She said she's been divorced for two years and the reason they don't have a set schedule is because he has side jobs and he's not always available. She told me it works for them so I don't question it.

As far as the surprises go, I wanted to take her to the Poconos for a romantic weekend since she said she's always wanted to go. When it gets warmer maybe the beach for a day or even a romantic dinner or a dinner cruise. I was planning a spa day for her birthday that's coming up in a few weeks. I don't think it's controlling, I like to wine and dine the woman I'm dating. I believe in treating her like a Queen.

I think you just don't get that women with primary custody of kids just don't get entire weekends free, let alone entire days. If I were dating you, the best I might be able to do is swing a 4 hour window, maybe longer if it's night and I got a sitter. I'd be thrilled if in those 4 hours your plan was a couples massage at a local spa. Travel for a weekend with you would be out except for one or two carefully planned in advance weekends a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced mom, I almost exclusively date single dads. Guys without kids just don't get it. And that's ok. I didn't get it before I had kids either. If you prefer the spontaneity of your child free life, you probably want to steer clear of women with kids, at least ones in elementary school.

I have kids and I still don't "get it" . There are levels to this parenting thing some of us have lives of our own.

So if BF calls you up at 7 and says, how about a night out; I've got reservations at 8:30, and you have an 8-year-old child at home, you what... walk out? I certainly can't be sure I can find a babysitter in that time frame! And I would get exhausted trying to do that on the regular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's really divorced op? It's odd they don't have a set custody schedule. Now onto you. What kind of surprise trips and spontaneous outings do you plan? I started off wanting to like you, because I have fantasies of my husband whisking me off for a surprise weekend or trip. The reality is that she and any healthy woman isn't going to have all weekend open for you, and kids have nothing to do with it. There are two events I care about next weekend, a trivia competition and an air show. If you and I were dating and you "surprised" me with a trip, I'd not be real happy, at least not this weekend. Figure out if your "surprises" aren't a means of control. Then talk with her and figure out why she and the ex don't have a set schedule. That is the huge red flag here in my opinion. If you want to meet her kid, talk with her about that. Finally, know you can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. She can do the same.

She said she's been divorced for two years and the reason they don't have a set schedule is because he has side jobs and he's not always available. She told me it works for them so I don't question it.

As far as the surprises go, I wanted to take her to the Poconos for a romantic weekend since she said she's always wanted to go. When it gets warmer maybe the beach for a day or even a romantic dinner or a dinner cruise. I was planning a spa day for her birthday that's coming up in a few weeks. I don't think it's controlling, I like to wine and dine the woman I'm dating. I believe in treating her like a Queen.

You want a grand romance. That is hard to have with a woman who is already knee-deep in the mundanity of day-to-day family life. When (if) you have your own kids, your life will naturally evolve, but it sounds like you would really miss having that "season" of romance and freedom. A woman with a child is not going to be able to be that partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just don't get that women with primary custody of kids just don't get entire weekends free, let alone entire days.

Why not? If your EX has the kids every other weekend, does that not mean the entire weekend?