Boyfriend Still Pining for Wife

[Anonymous]

I was reading an article about a man who lost his wife to preeclampsia in childbirth. When he later remarried and had another child, he would bring both kids to the cemetery to visit, and his second child called her dad's first wife her "angel mom". Her pictures were around the house and they whole family, including the new wife, spoke of her often. I was very touched by that, how the second wife honored the memory of the first wife who passed away.

That being said, it's important that IP feels she's fully integrated in her BF's life. Facebook is pretty meaningless - it's much more important how he treats her day to day.

[Anonymous]

I suspect widower was just lonely... partly in carnal sense partly emotional. He will get over and build new memories with a new partner, that's how most men are built. But getting worked up about FB posts? You need to gain some perspective

[Anonymous]

Well, I think it would be loving and large hearted of you to accept him fully including his love and loss, and invite him to talk about her and share her with you. But that is big, big self-sacrificing love and wholly voluntary. This may just not be right for you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this seems better than dealing with a crazy ex and drama that can spew from parents and children. As far as joining a mixed family, I would take this as a lesson that OP should not date divorcée either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

You can't love two people simultaneously? Don't you think he misses her every day, especially since his kids with her are teens and older? Will he always love his wife? Yes. Will he always miss her? Yes. Having a healthy relationship with you will not change these first two things.

He may be posting these pictures for his kids, his/her family and friends as well as for himself. Not posting pictures you as a couple is the most helpful guide as to the state of your relationship. Complaining about his FB profile makes you sound like a high schooler and not a mature woman.

Take Facebook out of the equation. Is he kind and thoughtful to you, does he enjoy being with you and take the initiative for dates etc. Do you have physical chemistry? Have you had a frank discussion about the future of the relationship and whether your expectations match? Are you expecting marriage? He may never want to re-marry or he may not be ready to be married.

Stop trying to intuit things from FB. TALK to him--about your relationship and do not bring up FB and that there are no pictures of you as a couple.

OP, please re-read this very thoughtful response, especially the last two paragraphs.

He was with his wife at least 20 years if they have a kid of 19. He has known you a fraction of his lifetime. You seem unable or unwilling to understand that the mother of his children is still very much present and that grief is not something one gets over, it's something one learns to live with. He's still learning, but not fast enough for you, it seems. You want his FB to acknowledge you but he doesn't use it that way.

If he is not thinking of posting your picture, maybe he does not consider you his significant other in the way you believe he does. Maybe his Facebook posts are mostly done for one audience--her family and his kids--and aren't about his day to day life in the way FB is for others. Maybe he's sparing her family and his kids from seeing photos of you two together because he knows it might hurt them to be reminded he is dating someone. You will not know whether any of these maybes are true unless you talk to him, adult to adult. I agree with several PPs that you sound young or at least inexperienced with grief or mature relationships. That's not meant to be a slam at you, OP. Nothing wrong with being new to a situation like this one. But making it about FB photos and venting on a forum rather than talking with him--that's the part that makes me wonder if you're ready to be in a relationship with a widower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

You can't love two people simultaneously? Don't you think he misses her every day, especially since his kids with her are teens and older? Will he always love his wife? Yes. Will he always miss her? Yes. Having a healthy relationship with you will not change these first two things.

He may be posting these pictures for his kids, his/her family and friends as well as for himself. Not posting pictures you as a couple is **NOT the most helpful guide as to the state of your relationship. Complaining about his FB profile makes you sound like a high schooler and not a mature woman.

Take Facebook out of the equation. Is he kind and thoughtful to you, does he enjoy being with you and take the initiative for dates etc. Do you have physical chemistry? Have you had a frank discussion about the future of the relationship and whether your expectations match? Are you expecting marriage? He may never want to re-marry or he may not be ready to be married.

Stop trying to intuit things from FB. TALK to him--about your relationship and do not bring up FB and that there are no pictures of you as a couple.

OP, please re-read this very thoughtful response, especially the last two paragraphs.

He was with his wife at least 20 years if they have a kid of 19. He has known you a fraction of his lifetime. You seem unable or unwilling to understand that the mother of his children is still very much present and that grief is not something one gets over, it's something one learns to live with. He's still learning, but not fast enough for you, it seems. You want his FB to acknowledge you but he doesn't use it that way.

If he is not thinking of posting your picture, maybe he does not consider you his significant other in the way you believe he does. Maybe his Facebook posts are mostly done for one audience--her family and his kids--and aren't about his day to day life in the way FB is for others. Maybe he's sparing her family and his kids from seeing photos of you two together because he knows it might hurt them to be reminded he is dating someone. You will not know whether any of these maybes are true unless you talk to him, adult to adult. I agree with several PPs that you sound young or at least inexperienced with grief or mature relationships. That's not meant to be a slam at you, OP. Nothing wrong with being new to a situation like this one. But making it about FB photos and venting on a forum rather than talking with him--that's the part that makes me wonder if you're ready to be in a relationship with a widower.

PP, you quoted. I just re-read and caught a typo. FB is NOT the most helpful guide with this relationship or with anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm 40. I joined FB after I was married. If my husband died, I'm not sure I'd post a lot of his pix, family pix. But, I sure as heck wouldn't post pix of my new BF, even if the death was years ago. I have in-laws and a lot of common friends on FB and OP's bf is most likely friends with his kids on FB. OP is kind of a rando until he puts a ring on it.

If this guy is a good BF in all other ways, I'd overlook this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40. I joined FB after I was married. If my husband died, I'm not sure I'd post a lot of his pix, family pix. But, I sure as heck wouldn't post pix of my new BF, even if the death was years ago. I have in-laws and a lot of common friends on FB and OP's bf is most likely friends with his kids on FB. OP is kind of a rando until he puts a ring on it.

If this guy is a good BF in all other ways, I'd overlook this.

Would you post pics after marrying DH2 or would FB remain the place to keep the former in laws and kids happy?

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys for giving me perspective. You are right. We are not married and it would be insane for a fully adult male (or female) to fill their timelines with a girlfriend. What if we break up and there are two more girlfriends before he remarried? How embarrassing! We are adults.

At some point though I think that will need to stop before I can consider working towards marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks guys for giving me perspective. You are right. We are not married and it would be insane for a fully adult male (or female) to fill their timelines with a girlfriend. What if we break up and there are two more girlfriends before he remarried? How embarrassing! We are adults.

At some point though I think that will need to stop before I can consider working towards marriage.

No you still don't get it. Getting remarried doesn't erase his late wife and their kids. If you can't life with that, you have no business even dating him. He will never get over her or move on. Never. It's unreasonable to expect that. But, he can come to love someone else. It will be different but love is not finite. Maybe this will help since it seems you don't know much about grief: grief is love turned inside out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks guys for giving me perspective. You are right. We are not married and it would be insane for a fully adult male (or female) to fill their timelines with a girlfriend. What if we break up and there are two more girlfriends before he remarried? How embarrassing! We are adults.

At some point though I think that will need to stop before I can consider working towards marriage.

No you still don't get it. Getting remarried doesn't erase his late wife and their kids. If you can't life with that, you have no business even dating him. He will never get over her or move on. Never. It's unreasonable to expect that. But, he can come to love someone else. It will be different but love is not finite. Maybe this will help since it seems you don't know much about grief: grief is love turned inside out.

+ 1.

OP, you seem a bit immature. How old are you? Have you been previously married or in a LTR? Because it seems you are in a different place than this man. Who actually sounds lovely because he has not forgotten his wife and the mother of his three children, who are surely hurting a lot because mom is no longer there. You seem to be not a good fit for this man or his children.

[Anonymous]

Reading so many of these posts is sad as too many have such a limited view on what is appropriate/healthy/resptful. This man sounds lovely and emotionally secure. His life with his wife produced his three children and he celebrates her memory and he must still mourn the loss of what he assumed was his forever world. OP is a newish addition to his world and as she has no stated complaints on how he treats her except his posts on FB - she has little grasp of what this man is doing. He is now the ONLY parent to his children who in their own way are still grappling with the loss of their mother. What a wonderful man who is secure enough to pursue what he assumes is a healthy new attachment to a new woman while still honoring the fullness of his life. If his youngest is 19, he lost his mother at 15 - and one could guess that there was a year or more of hope then despair as she succumbed to whatever lead to her death. This man's 3 sons have been through a lot - as have the others in his circle. I don't think you have enough strength of character to handle a person like this. I have a friend who lost his wife at 39 just after she had their 4th child. I see his posts about her on Facebook - and now 7 years later they show up along side those of his new wife. They all look happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks guys for giving me perspective. You are right. We are not married and it would be insane for a fully adult male (or female) to fill their timelines with a girlfriend. What if we break up and there are two more girlfriends before he remarried? How embarrassing! We are adults.

At some point though I think that will need to stop before I can consider working towards marriage.

No you still don't get it. Getting remarried doesn't erase his late wife and their kids. If you can't life with that, you have no business even dating him. He will never get over her or move on. Never. It's unreasonable to expect that. But, he can come to love someone else. It will be different but love is not finite. Maybe this will help since it seems you don't know much about grief: grief is love turned inside out.

This. OP, my mom died nearly 20 years ago and my Dad has been remarried for almost 15 years. He is still pining for my mom and while he does not use Facebook, he has pictures of my mom up in their shared home. His wife accepts that she can never replace my mom, the mother of his children and the love of his life. Yes, the love of his life.

[Anonymous]

It's the one living loving and screwing him that he needs to honor!

No one is saying forget she existed. At some point ppl must move on.

[Anonymous]

He obviously is not in any frame of mind to be dating ANYone because of the torch he still is carrying for his wife.

Until he moves on from losing her, you will always be living in her shadow.

Due to the length of their time together, he may take a very long time getting over her.
Worse case scenario:
He may never get over her.

This all needs to be taken in account by you if you are considering staying in this relationship w/this individual.

Regarding not having any photos posted of the two of you together on Facebook is a separate issue.

It would bother me a lot because it doesn't look like he is willing to share you as his true partner.
Even on social media, he still has you cast in his shadow.