Boyfriend Still Pining for Wife

[Anonymous]

X is a kind wonderful man whose wife died nearly 4 years ago, leaving him to raise their 3 teens. The youngest is now 19. I've been seeing him for a little over a year. My problem is that from time he posts pics of his wife or their family pics on FB. In fact that's 98% of his FB pics. There is not one pic of me or us together. You'd think he was still married to her!

How long should I expect his social media life to reflect his old romance? I don't want to be in this woman's shadow forever!

[Anonymous]

Dating a widower may not be the best choice for you.

[Anonymous]

It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

[Anonymous]

You've been dating less than a year. It sounds like he was married for a long time, if the youngest of three kids is 19. People grieve in different ways, and there is not a steady timeline for grieving. There are lots of ups and downs and certain times of the year will bring back memories in more intense ways.

If you care for him, I would suggest just giving him time.

[Anonymous]

It would not bother me that he posted pics of her/their family, but would bother me enormously that he never posted pics of us together or me. That suggests the need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would not bother me that he posted pics of her/their family, but would bother me enormously that he never posted pics of us together or me. That suggests the need to move on.

This is what I was thinking. He may still be grieving and it has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Widower here: a lie to claim it won't change.

But, if he's dating one woman, it's time to reminisce about the other woman only in private. OP should rub his nose in this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he isn't ready yet in his grieving process to let another woman become too important to him. He sounds loyal, so maybe it's a matter of time. And when you lose your life partner, you have to feel strong enough to feel vulnerable again.

So do this, OP: Don't be as available to him. Let him miss you. See other men. If he's ready for you, he'll realize it and let you know. Meanwhile, you get on with your life in a positive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

You can't love two people simultaneously? Don't you think he misses her every day, especially since his kids with her are teens and older? Will he always love his wife? Yes. Will he always miss her? Yes. Having a healthy relationship with you will not change these first two things.

He may be posting these pictures for his kids, his/her family and friends as well as for himself. Not posting pictures you as a couple is the most helpful guide as to the state of your relationship. Complaining about his FB profile makes you sound like a high schooler and not a mature woman.

Take Facebook out of the equation. Is he kind and thoughtful to you, does he enjoy being with you and take the initiative for dates etc. Do you have physical chemistry? Have you had a frank discussion about the future of the relationship and whether your expectations match? Are you expecting marriage? He may never want to re-marry or he may not be ready to be married.

Stop trying to intuit things from FB. TALK to him--about your relationship and do not bring up FB and that there are no pictures of you as a couple.

[Anonymous]

^^^
Her family and kids are on FB. Let them post her pics!

I agree with much of what you say, but let YOUR SO fill his timeline with pics of him with anybody else but YOU then come back and tell me how to feel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he isn't ready yet in his grieving process to let another woman become too important to him. He sounds loyal, so maybe it's a matter of time. And when you lose your life partner, you have to feel strong enough to feel vulnerable again.

So do this, OP: Don't be as available to him. Let him miss you. See other men. If he's ready for you, he'll realize it and let you know. Meanwhile, you get on with your life in a positive way.

Play head games? Why not have an adult conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating a widower may not be the best choice for you.

This. You should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

How old are you? You sound very young. Maybe you were a booty call for this older man. She is dead. If you compete with her, you look stupid. Would you rather swap places with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

How old are you? You sound very young. Maybe you were a booty call for this older man. She is dead. If you compete with her, you look stupid. Would you rather swap places with her?

You sound immature-as if you don't understand all the nuances and complexities of adult relationships. Throw in a dead spouse, children and grief and WHOA!