Boyfriend Still Pining for Wife

[Anonymous]

I know 2 widows (one is a friend, the other I dated for a couple of months). Both aren't interested in a mate and won't date anymore. It's been 7 years with one and 13 years with the other.

[Anonymous]

It seems it would be easier for this widower to date someone in a similar position, a widow, who would understand his feelings and even share them. The OP and widower are at very different places.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I read through this entire thread and did not see a single helpful post - or even one that sounds sane. Who is on here today??
It's understandable to me the OP feels uncomfortable about the FB pics. She wonders about her place in this guy's life. Totally reasonable. Does not make her immature or out of line or in competition with the dead wife.
Perhaps the man is not able to move on, he is still mourning and not ready for a new relationship. He is dating, he is trying but it is not working. Or perhaps he feels some obligation to honor his late wife's memory. Possibly he feels guilty about dating someone else. Maybe the marital relationship was not perfect and he feels guilty for not being a better husband. As if somehow he can be a better husband now, at least on Facebook ...?
I don't know. People are complicated. I think it is reasonable for OP to talk to him about it. Gently of course. They have been dating a year, she should know where she stands. Why should she not exist on his social media? It does seem odd. I don't see why approaching the topic is off-limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

Oh that's tacky since he is with someone else. And hurtful. At some point everyone has to move on. I would talk to him OP and tell him maybe it's best you both cool it since he isn't obviously ready to have a future with you. Maybe that will wake him up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you're coming from. We can have all the sympathy in the world for this man's loss, but that doesn't mean you have to accept being second place for the rest of your life either. Its not a competition--I think you get that--but if he cannot celebrate his relationship with YOU as well as honor his deceased wife, then maybe he is not ready to be the guy for you.

I think you need to have a loving but honest conversation about this--that its not just about FB pictures, but about whether he is ready to commit to you in various ways, including public ways. It doesn't mean that he has to be "over" her death-one doesn't really get over these things--but he has to be ready for a full relationship with you, since that's what you want. If he isn't there, or wont ever be with you, then you need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^
Her family and kids are on FB. Let them post her pics!

I agree with much of what you say, but let YOUR SO fill his timeline with pics of him with anybody else but YOU then come back and tell me how to feel!

That's a great idea for you. But *he* wants to post pics of his dead wife.

OP, have you ever been married or had children? I couldn't even imagine losing my husband, leaving me to raise our children alone. Let alone losing their mother. That's a rough hand to be dealt. You clearly aren't sympathetic to what he is going through. Perhaps find someone in a similar place in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:X is a kind wonderful man whose wife died nearly 4 years ago, leaving him to raise their 3 teens. The youngest is now 19. I've been seeing him for a little over a year. My problem is that from time he posts pics of his wife or their family pics on FB. In fact that's 98% of his FB pics. There is not one pic of me or us together. You'd think he was still married to her!

How long should I expect his social media life to reflect his old romance? I don't want to be in this woman's shadow forever!

They were together for 15 years, and had three children together. Her shadow is long, and will continue to be, forever.

[Anonymous]

Old people suck at Facebook. They just will never get how to do it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

To you it is a random Wednesday. But to him, something reminded him of her. Maybe a movie came on TV that they used to watch together. He went somewhere that made him think of her. One of his kids had a track meet and it made him think of how she used to be the track coach...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people suck at Facebook. They just will never get how to do it right.

LOL! Some needed levity in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

To you it is a random Wednesday. But to him, something reminded him of her. Maybe a movie came on TV that they used to watch together. He went somewhere that made him think of her. One of his kids had a track meet and it made him think of how she used to be the track coach...

I wonder if that memory could flash through his mind without him running to post a pic on FaceBook?!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't change. He may or may not know or care that it is important to you, but you cannot compete with whatever he imagines might have been with his wife. If it bothers you, end the relationship now and move on.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. It's been 3 years. I thought he was ready to move on because he aggressively pursued a relationship with me after a decent amount of time.

Posting pics on her birthday and death date are bad enough. But understandable. But this guy will post on a random Wednesday night!

To you it is a random Wednesday. But to him, something reminded him of her. Maybe a movie came on TV that they used to watch together. He went somewhere that made him think of her. One of his kids had a track meet and it made him think of how she used to be the track coach...

I wonder if that memory could flash through his mind without him running to post a pic on FaceBook?!!!

His actions thus far have shown that no. No, memories can not flash through his mind w/o his running to post a pic on Facebook.

Find someone else without baggage.

[Anonymous]

Accept that she must have been very special to him. Put some distance between you two and see if he makes a move to close the gap. He needs to do it on his own without any direct prodding by you. If he doesn't move to close the gap then move on.

[Anonymous]

Seriously?!! Don't date widowers if this bothers you. She is the mother of his kids. He will never stop missing her, loving her etc. That's normal and it should be honored. It shouldn't make you feel less than, insecure or anything. If you can't accept that, break up

[Anonymous]

OP the Facebook thing is a public domain. He's not lighting candles around her photos in the house and asking you to do the same.

Its his way of sharing his grief with others who probably loved her, like her family.

And its irrelevant. You need to get past this. He does it, its not a problem.