Divorcees - any red flags from the beginning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I beleive that a significant percentage of marriages end for reasons that were apparent on some level before marriage but were minimized, ignored, or thought to be something that handled, made better, or worked out. You see it all the time in posts here and in this thread itself - he drank a little too much, he smoked weed but told me he would quit when we had kids, he had a temper, he lacked ambition, he had too much ambition and was a workaholic, he spent too much time with his family, he preferred hanging with his friends over me, he had credit issues, he was bad with money, he didn't want kids and I did, he wanted kids and I didn't, and on and on and on. Always remember the little things before marriage become the BIG things after marriage.

As my father said, "the signs are always there, it's whether or not you want to see them".

Sure, but nobody is perfect--everyone has some "signs" that could be warnings in retrospect. I think people overestimate how well they can predict what people will be like in the future and underestimate how much people change over time and how circumstances can change people.

I have good friends who were seemingly happily married for many years and divorced. My friend talks now about their the warning signs, but there were many years when they outwardly seemed very happy (and I spent a ton of time with them). I'm not saying it isn't true, but people pick and choose to build their narrative, and it changes as current circumstances change.

Agree, and that was my pp. Of course people are emotional and sometimes we see what we want to see. We hope that things will be better with a new person and push for that to be a reality. In terms of changing through time, I certainly would not want to be with someone who is the same person at 59 as 29 but that is the great leap in figuring out if someone is the right person.

[Anonymous]

My DH turned out to be an emotionally abusing, lying, cheating, lazy, controlling narcissist. The red flags in the beginning were subtle. I have dated extensively. I had several serious relationships, good and bad, before this.

He was too perfect.
He wanted to be involved in everything I was, he was everywhere I was.
He wanted to get married and move in quick.
He wanted to combine finances quick.
He was volunteering for a project I ran. After we got together, he ignored all my requests/directives for how things were done.
He told me a project I was proud of was stupid and proceeded for hours to tell me how he would do it better.
He

Advice:

Don't move in for years. Take years.
Don't have kids. If it goes wrong, you are always stuck with that guy.
If you have kids, wait until years after you are married.
Never combine finances. Never quit your job or stay at home without having steady freelance work.
Always stash your own money away he doesn't know about. When mine found out about my stash, it wound up being talked into a home improvement project.
Never agree to be put on joint credit cards.
Always have an out. A plan in case you need to leave with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be an emotionally abusing, lying, cheating, lazy, controlling narcissist. The red flags in the beginning were subtle. I have dated extensively. I had several serious relationships, good and bad, before this.

He was too perfect.
He wanted to be involved in everything I was, he was everywhere I was.
He wanted to get married and move in quick.
He wanted to combine finances quick.
He was volunteering for a project I ran. After we got together, he ignored all my requests/directives for how things were done.
He told me a project I was proud of was stupid and proceeded for hours to tell me how he would do it better.
He

Advice:

Don't move in for years. Take years.
Don't have kids. If it goes wrong, you are always stuck with that guy.
If you have kids, wait until years after you are married.
Never combine finances. Never quit your job or stay at home without having steady freelance work.
Always stash your own money away he doesn't know about. When mine found out about my stash, it wound up being talked into a home improvement project.
Never agree to be put on joint credit cards.
Always have an out. A plan in case you need to leave with kids.

And the biggest red flag was that when I gave a need, want, or opinion , DH would purposefully ignore it. I.e. I was pregnant and needed something, that wasn't done. For example, I made food for work, because I couldn't eat anything. I asked him not to touch it. He took all of it for lunch the next day. And then looked at me like I was nuts when I,brought it up calmly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be an emotionally abusing, lying, cheating, lazy, controlling narcissist. The red flags in the beginning were subtle. I have dated extensively. I had several serious relationships, good and bad, before this.

He was too perfect.
He wanted to be involved in everything I was, he was everywhere I was.
He wanted to get married and move in quick.
He wanted to combine finances quick.
He was volunteering for a project I ran. After we got together, he ignored all my requests/directives for how things were done.
He told me a project I was proud of was stupid and proceeded for hours to tell me how he would do it better.
He

Advice:

Don't move in for years. Take years.
Don't have kids. If it goes wrong, you are always stuck with that guy.
If you have kids, wait until years after you are married.
Never combine finances. Never quit your job or stay at home without having steady freelance work.
Always stash your own money away he doesn't know about. When mine found out about my stash, it wound up being talked into a home improvement project.
Never agree to be put on joint credit cards.
Always have an out. A plan in case you need to leave with kids.

And the biggest red flag was that when I gave a need, want, or opinion , DH would purposefully ignore it. I.e. I was pregnant and needed something, that wasn't done. For example, I made food for work, because I couldn't eat anything. I asked him not to touch it. He took all of it for lunch the next day. And then looked at me like I was nuts when I,brought it up calmly.

That's really sad. Glad you are free of that sadness now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No magic formula, but take a good hard look at his family dynamics and his history (school, work, relationship). My ex is really good at blaming others (poor self understanding), so I bought into his explanations about why he switched colleges, majors, jobs, etc. Turns out that should have been a huge red flag that nothing would make him happy, that he would always resent expectations of him, and that he would never stick with anything. (Undiagnosed ADHD, similar to others who have posted.)

Also, really dysfunctional family, but since they were upper middle class and educated they were able to put a nice veneer over it. I found out that you really need to ask direct questions like "how did your parents handle finances, deal with conflict, etc." Because not everyone is going to volunteer the information if their family is screwed up.

But this doesn't always mean the person turns out dysfunctional. Some people emerge from those families resolved not to repeat those mistakes and end up being more self-aware than people who didn't grow up with dysfunction.

The real question is whether the person's view of their family fits reality. If someone is aware and admits that his/her family is dysfunctional and seems to have adopted a lot of good habits/strategies to avoid repeating those mistakes, is good at setting boundaries, etc., then that can be a bonus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm responding to your post because I know someone (family member) who has a very unhappy marriage. They aren't divorced mainly, I think, because of finances and codependency.

The wife says that there were no red flags, but I disagree. She talks a lot about how when they first dated, another guy said something crude to her and he grabbed the guy by his shirt and told the guy never to talk to her like that again.

She speaks of it as an example of chivalry and how flattered she was. But I see it as a red flag that he had anger issues, didn't deal appropriately with conflict, was quick to revert to bravado.

Needless to say, his temper grew worse, and now that behavior she thought was so romantic has been turned on her.

The moral of the story is that it isn't just important to watch how a guy treats you. Of course he's going to be on his best behavior and maybe even put you on a pedestal, but that is temporary.

It's important to watch how he treats other people, how he deals with conflict, and most important, how he treats people he doesn't like or doesn't get along with (how he behaves in arguments).

Bingo. My DH had few friends, anger issues, and was a dick to his mom. She's SUPER annoying, but still.
I should have known better.
And now I am stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't until we were married that I discovered he had some issues. I guess you'd call them physical issues. Not sure how to put this in a non-explicit forum. He had, you might say, an ascension deficit disorder. A less-than-magic johnson. He kept serving up boneless pork. Know what I'm saying?

Your fault. You should have had a longer test market.

[Anonymous]

When we were dating my ex DH wanted sex every day we were together. When we got married it was the same. I was happy with it 3-4 times a week which wasn't good enough for him. After a few years I discovered he was having sex almost seven days a week but only 3-4 were with me. He blamed me given I was only willing to do it 3-4 times a week. I'm now married to a guy who thinks I'm insatiable because I still like it 3-4 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be an emotionally abusing, lying, cheating, lazy, controlling narcissist. The red flags in the beginning were subtle. I have dated extensively. I had several serious relationships, good and bad, before this.

He was too perfect.
He wanted to be involved in everything I was, he was everywhere I was.
He wanted to get married and move in quick.
He wanted to combine finances quick.
He was volunteering for a project I ran. After we got together, he ignored all my requests/directives for how things were done.
He told me a project I was proud of was stupid and proceeded for hours to tell me how he would do it better.
He

Advice:

Don't move in for years. Take years.
Don't have kids. If it goes wrong, you are always stuck with that guy.
If you have kids, wait until years after you are married.
Never combine finances. Never quit your job or stay at home without having steady freelance work.
Always stash your own money away he doesn't know about. When mine found out about my stash, it wound up being talked into a home improvement project.
Never agree to be put on joint credit cards.
Always have an out. A plan in case you need to leave with kids.

Wanting to move fast is a BIG big flag for abuse. I had an abusive ex (didn't marry him though) and he sounds exactly like yours. Except he didn't hold it together long enough at all. In fact he wanted to move fast so he could get a girl commited (say by moving in, or getting a pet together, combining finances, marriage, or the worst, KIDS for other men) so he could start showing his true colors and the girl would find it harder (or impossible) to leave. Classic abuser move.

However, that doesn't mean you need to always keep your guard up or have separate finances always or always think about an exit plan. That's very sad. Don't let these assholes do that to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW had body image issues from early on. Never could be comfortable in her own skin. Sex became more and more one sided, I always seemed to do all the work. If she can't manage her own orgasms, run.

What do you mean? That it is not your job to make her orgasm?

I couldn't make her do anything, it was all in her head. and looking back was a big red flag, if she is not comfortable in her own body, run, it only gets worse.

+1. You can be attentive and creative, but ultimately you have to have a partner who wants to be along for the ride. If you don't, the sex isn't going to be any good. Red flag in my case should have been when my future wife told me she didn't masturbate because she wasn't very good at it.

my point exactly. If a woman can't have an orgasm by herself, it is a big red flag. If she she doesn't know her own body. Big red flag. She will be a burden and it will get an order of magnitude worse after children are born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be an emotionally abusing, lying, cheating, lazy, controlling narcissist. The red flags in the beginning were subtle. I have dated extensively. I had several serious relationships, good and bad, before this.

He was too perfect.
He wanted to be involved in everything I was, he was everywhere I was.
He wanted to get married and move in quick.
He wanted to combine finances quick.
He was volunteering for a project I ran. After we got together, he ignored all my requests/directives for how things were done.
He told me a project I was proud of was stupid and proceeded for hours to tell me how he would do it better.
He

Advice:

Don't move in for years. Take years.
Don't have kids. If it goes wrong, you are always stuck with that guy.
If you have kids, wait until years after you are married.
Never combine finances. Never quit your job or stay at home without having steady freelance work.
Always stash your own money away he doesn't know about. When mine found out about my stash, it wound up being talked into a home improvement project.
Never agree to be put on joint credit cards.
Always have an out. A plan in case you need to leave with kids.

Wanting to move fast is a BIG big flag for abuse. I had an abusive ex (didn't marry him though) and he sounds exactly like yours. Except he didn't hold it together long enough at all. In fact he wanted to move fast so he could get a girl commited (say by moving in, or getting a pet together, combining finances, marriage, or the worst, KIDS for other men) so he could start showing his true colors and the girl would find it harder (or impossible) to leave. Classic abuser move.

However, that doesn't mean you need to always keep your guard up or have separate finances always or always think about an exit plan. That's very sad. Don't let these assholes do that to you.

Thank you. I am newly out. 5 mo actually separated. 9 months starting to make a real exit. 5 years married.

I appreciate your hope. I am this pp, and need to hear that there is hope. I am hopeful, but still have work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we were engaged, He and I were at a concert sitting on the lawn. Someone grabbed me inappropriately. He stepped up and decked the guy, breaking his nose. That freaked me out. But I did not leave him. Totally freaked me out on two levels: I did not expect someone to grab my boob, and I did not expect my then fiancé to be violent. I was wondering what to expect in the future.

20 years later, we are still married. He has not had any other violent outbursts. He was just protecting me. Sometimes things are as they appear.

Happy to hear that. I was about to chime in and say that I felt like he was protecting you from sexual assault. I also bet that guy never did that again to another woman.

[Anonymous]

Yes, many red flags. He was cheap. He was delish. He liked about mundane things. I justified it all then. Because in front of others he always spoke of how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I would have stayed. He cheated and left because I wasn't good enough anymore. Looking back now, and not to absolve myself because I also made mistakes and I am.not perfect, how his family spoke of women, dealt with divorce, how he spoke of people. How his friends speak of their friends GFs, treat cheating and abuse. All were flags. I ignored then.

[Anonymous]

LOL you're 37 you better not think too hard about your choices, you better just hurry up and settle for the best you can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW had body image issues from early on. Never could be comfortable in her own skin. Sex became more and more one sided, I always seemed to do all the work. If she can't manage her own orgasms, run.

What do you mean? That it is not your job to make her orgasm?

Is it your job to make him orgasm?

Yes it is.

(See: countless threads bemoaning sexless marriages because wife isn't interested.)