Divorcees - any red flags from the beginning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is easy to see red flags in retrospect. This is like asking me as a special needs mom "What was a red flag?" And I would say, she wasn't walking or talking at 12 months. But your child who wasnt walking and talking at 15 months was just fine. So there is no formula here.

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+ 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people talk about red flags theyre often thinking of red flags as predictive of the partner's negative traits, as if the partner is the main or only cause of the divorce. I'm divorced and I could tell you a bunch of things my Ex did that made me want to end the relationship, and the red flags that foretold these things. But I'm not doing myself any favors if I don't acknowledge my own behavior and my own issues and how they were part of the whole mess.

My red flag was myself: I couldn't look my ex in the eye during our wedding dance. That should have been my warning that things wouldn't end well, though I couldn't consciously see it at the time. In retrospect I see that the emotional "wounds" that brought us together and that seemed to be so
compatible, were the things that also broke us apart.

The bottom line is that I chose to marry my ex for fundamentally dysfunctional reasons, and that doomed the marriage from the start.

I had to check the time stamp on this post because I could have written it verbatim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is easy to see red flags in retrospect. This is like asking me as a special needs mom "What was a red flag?" And I would say, she wasn't walking or talking at 12 months. But your child who wasnt walking and talking at 15 months was just fine. So there is no formula here.

.


+ 1.

Sometimes what happens with the child who isn't walking and talking at 15 months is that the parents finally realize there's a problem and throw themselves into finding the help the kid needs. Slowly and not in a pretty or linear way, and despite much confusion and fear and anger, things start to turn around. Eventually, the kid blossoms -- not into the perfect, imagined child that the parents might have been thinking of during those 15 months when they never noticed that their kid wasn't walking or talking, but still into someone whom the parents love and nurture and accept with all her imperfections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is easy to see red flags in retrospect. This is like asking me as a special needs mom "What was a red flag?" And I would say, she wasn't walking or talking at 12 months. But your child who wasnt walking and talking at 15 months was just fine. So there is no formula here.

.


+ 1.

Sometimes what happens with the child who isn't walking and talking at 15 months is that the parents finally realize there's a problem and throw themselves into finding the help the kid needs. Slowly and not in a pretty or linear way, and despite much confusion and fear and anger, things start to turn around. Eventually, the kid blossoms -- not into the perfect, imagined child that the parents might have been thinking of during those 15 months when they never noticed that their kid wasn't walking or talking, but still into someone whom the parents love and nurture and accept with all her imperfections.

Wrong thread. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Red flag: turns off his phone or temper tantrums away instead of discussing things that need resolution. Even after he or I cool off the conflict would never get spoken about or resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't until we were married that I discovered he had some issues. I guess you'd call them physical issues. Not sure how to put this in a non-explicit forum. He had, you might say, an ascension deficit disorder. A less-than-magic johnson. He kept serving up boneless pork. Know what I'm saying?

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red flag: turns off his phone or temper tantrums away instead of discussing things that need resolution. Even after he or I cool off the conflict would never get spoken about or resolved.

I am currently dating a guy like this, and even though I really like him, I see this as a big red flag. He avoids all conflict, at all costs, even though he is the source of the conflict. Sounds like I should just go ahead and cut him loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Red flag: turns off his phone or temper tantrums away instead of discussing things that need resolution. Even after he or I cool off the conflict would never get spoken about or resolved.

I am currently dating a guy like this, and even though I really like him, I see this as a big red flag. He avoids all conflict, at all costs, even though he is the source of the conflict. Sounds like I should just go ahead and cut him loose.

I would either confront him about your need to be with someone who can communicate, talk about issues and resolve conflicts, or just recognize a toxic pattern and cut bait.

In my case, my husband never learned how to discuss life or problems because his parents never did either, they all just brush things under the rug and then someone explodes every couple months. He's also passive aggressive, goes hand in hand with zero conflict resolution skills.

[Anonymous]

Red flag: my wife said during an argument she wants a divorce.