Reply to Divorcees - any red flags from the beginning?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No magic formula, but take a good hard look at his family dynamics and his history (school, work, relationship). My ex is really good at blaming others (poor self understanding), so I bought into his explanations about why he switched colleges, majors, jobs, etc. Turns out that should have been a huge red flag that nothing would make him happy, that he would always resent expectations of him, and that he would never stick with anything. (Undiagnosed ADHD, similar to others who have posted.)

Also, [b]really dysfunctional family[/b], but since they were upper middle class and educated they were able to put a nice veneer over it. I found out that you really need to ask direct questions like "how did your parents handle finances, deal with conflict, etc." Because not everyone is going to volunteer the information if their family is screwed up.

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But this doesn't always mean the person turns out dysfunctional.  Some people emerge from those families resolved not to repeat those mistakes and end up being more self-aware than people who didn't grow up with dysfunction.

The real question is whether the person's view of their family fits reality.  If someone is aware and admits that his/her family is dysfunctional and seems to have adopted a lot of good habits/strategies to avoid repeating those mistakes, is good at setting boundaries, etc., then that can be a bonus.

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