Reply to Need help explaining my sister-in-law's imminent death to my 12-year-old son

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Reply to "Need help explaining my sister-in-law's imminent death to my 12-year-old son"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] My sister-in-law was diagnosed about six months ago with metastatic breast cancer. My son knows that she's been sick, he probably knows it is serious. I cry a lot and there are a lot of serious discussions around the house. But I've never come out and told him that she's going to die soon.  When he asks me how she's doing I say to him that she's very very sick but it's never gone further than that    He recently asked if we could go visit her and we are going this weekend. I don't know what to say to prepare him   She will look different because she has fluid in her abdomen and of course she is bald  from the chemo.  All treatment have stopped and she will likely not live more than a month or two more.

Thanks for any advice! [/quote]

Hi OP, I am the Hospice minister who tries to post when I see threads like this.  I disagree with the PPs.  You haven't "messed up" and it's cruel to suggest that you have.  It's natural that you want to protect your son.  But, it is time to be honest with him.

The best way to discuss death with teens is to be open and honest.  Death is hard for most adults to discuss.  Kids are often much more willing to talk about it.  Something like - "Sweetie, you know that Aunt ____ has been very sick.  The doctors and nurses have worked very hard to stop the cancer.  We can beat many types of cancer with strong medications.  But we can't beat all cancer.  None of the things the doctors have tried are working on Aunt ______'s cancer.  She has talked with her doctors and everyone agrees that it's time to stop the treatments.  They are no longer working and they are making her feel really sick.  The doctors are going to start Aunt ____ on some medication to help keep her comfortable.  They are going to focus on keeping her pain away.  She is probably going to die very soon. The doctors think she has about two months to live, but they are only guessing.  No one really knows exactly how long she will live.   I'm glad you want to visit Aunt _____.  She will really love seeing you.  I just want you to know that she looks very different from the last time you saw her.  Some of the medications have made her hair fall out.  And her tummy looks very swollen.  Some of the medicine she is taking makes her feel very sleepy. She has a hospital bed in her house now, and a nurse might be there when we visit.   I don't want you to feel afraid or nervous about seeing her.  But I want you to know what to expect.  Please ask me anything at all.  I will try to answer anything you ask.

...and then listen.  Really listen.  He will be really sad that his mom is sad.  He will be really sad that his Aunt is dying.  But he will also likely start to think more about death in general.  Often with teens, that translates into thinking about your death.  Be available to address those concerns when they come up.  That's one reason it's so important to mention that not all people who get cancer die.

I'm really sorry your sister is so sick.  I will be holding you and your family in love, light, and prayer.  You are walking down such a painful path.  Remember to be gentle with yourself.  Reach out for help when you need it.  A grief support group can help more than most people realize.  [/quote]

Lots of good advice here, but I second the point about being prepared to address your child's concerns about the possibility that you will die. One tip -- DS kept bringing it up and I tried my best to be reassuring, but he was still concerned.  I finally figured out that he was worried about who would take care of him.  I told him we had a will that designated a family member as guardian, and he would go live with them (happens to be someone who has a kid his age that he loves dearly), and he was like "cool!" And he never brought it up again. I realized that there was no way he could have known how such things are handled.  [/quote]

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