New girlfriend use to be a sugar baby..

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I don't see the big deal. To me it sounds like she was dating a guy, or sort of friends with benefits who gifted her things and money. Many couples do this. Was she a mistress? Were they just keeping things casual? it sounds like two consenting adults in a mutually beneficial relationship. This wasn't an Elliot Spitzer having sex at the Mayflower hotel with his socks on with a hooker situation.

OP, she trusted you enough to tell you. She obviously cares a lot about you to share something like this. If you honestly think you cannot deal with this info, let her go, for her sake.

[Anonymous]

You are old enough to understand that morality is a very tricky thing. There are good people who have done bad things. There are also good people who have done nothing wrong but are judged anyway. There a bad people who haven't ever been accused or found guilty of a crime but are toxic anyway.

It's fine if this woman is not the right one for you. But don't judge too much. The next one you meet could be as innocent as the babe unborn and make your life hell.

[Anonymous]

OP - did she refer to him as a sugar daddy or did you pin that title on her? The fact that she admitted having a FW$B means she that she wants to be open with you early in the relationship. When I was single I lived with a non-BF (ten years older) for a few months because I had just started my career and couldn't yet afford my own place. We never "negotiated" sex as part of the deal but we were both single, consenting adults who enjoyed sex. I never paid him any rent and he paid for most of the groceries. Was he a sugar daddy? Technically he was "an older gentleman who helped me out financially with whom I slept with" so he might fit the definition. I never viewed him as a "sugar daddy" and I'm sure there are tons of other women who've had similar relationships. I met my DH five years later and never told him about this guy because I never went onto detail about the half dozen other guys I had relationships with before I met DH.

[Anonymous]

I had a sugar daddy years ago. I am happily married now and we still keep in touch with occasional IM catch ups. He was an older guy (50's when I was in my 20's) but I had absolute genuine affection for him and was even attracted. It was a very mutually satisfying relationship that satisfied an array of needs on both sides. He even sent my husband and I a Vitamix for our wedding - I was pretty happy about that When he needed a kidney a few years ago I offered to donate mine, but we were not a match.

My husband knows about him in general (but I didn't tell him about the Vitamix hehe. Said it came from a distant relative).

I don't think it sounds so bad, OP. For starters, it sounds like she told you willingly. She is probably starting to fall in love with you too and wants to have 100% openness with you.

Second of all, not to wax philosophical but women are definitely attracted to resources. A woman's romantic love is often quite tied up in what the object of her affections can provide, whether that be money or social status etc. I personally wouldn't suggest marriage unless you've made peace with that reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I don't see the big deal. To me it sounds like she was dating a guy, or sort of friends with benefits who gifted her things and money. Many couples do this. Was she a mistress? Were they just keeping things casual? it sounds like two consenting adults in a mutually beneficial relationship. This wasn't an Elliot Spitzer having sex at the Mayflower hotel with his socks on with a hooker situation.

OP, she trusted you enough to tell you. She obviously cares a lot about you to share something like this. If you honestly think you cannot deal with this info, let her go, for her sake.

Totally agree and I am a relatively conservative guy. OP, every person has skeletons in the closet, sure you do too. She took a risk telling you. One of the most important things a woman can give you is honesty. But I would talk to her about it just to clear whatever conceptions you have so that it doesn't cloud things moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I don't see the big deal. To me it sounds like she was dating a guy, or sort of friends with benefits who gifted her things and money. Many couples do this. Was she a mistress? Were they just keeping things casual? it sounds like two consenting adults in a mutually beneficial relationship. This wasn't an Elliot Spitzer having sex at the Mayflower hotel with his socks on with a hooker situation.

OP, she trusted you enough to tell you. She obviously cares a lot about you to share something like this. If you honestly think you cannot deal with this info, let her go, for her sake.

Totally agree and I am a relatively conservative guy. OP, every person has skeletons in the closet, sure you do too. She took a risk telling you. One of the most important things a woman can give you is honesty. But I would talk to her about it just to clear whatever conceptions you have so that it doesn't cloud things moving forward.

Bring a hooker is a pretty big skeleton, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Was it a formal sugar daddy relationship, like someone she sought out for that on a website, or just a generous older guy that she dated who wanted to pay for stuff for her?

[Anonymous]

If you're sleeping with someone you wouldn't be sleeping with but for his or her wealth and your ability to enjoy some benefit from that wealth, you're probably engaging in some form of prostitution.

If the wealth is incidental to the relationship, you'd be sleeping with him or her anyway, and the wealth is an added little bonus, then you're probably o.k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I don't see the big deal. To me it sounds like she was dating a guy, or sort of friends with benefits who gifted her things and money. Many couples do this. Was she a mistress? Were they just keeping things casual? it sounds like two consenting adults in a mutually beneficial relationship. This wasn't an Elliot Spitzer having sex at the Mayflower hotel with his socks on with a hooker situation.

OP, she trusted you enough to tell you. She obviously cares a lot about you to share something like this. If you honestly think you cannot deal with this info, let her go, for her sake.

Totally agree and I am a relatively conservative guy. OP, every person has skeletons in the closet, sure you do too. She took a risk telling you. One of the most important things a woman can give you is honesty. But I would talk to her about it just to clear whatever conceptions you have so that it doesn't cloud things moving forward.

F that. You need to dump her. You really want the mother of your children to be a prostitute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My new girlfriend a couple months disclosed to me that she was a sugar daddy a couple of years ago. I was shocked as she doesn't seem the type. She is smart, educated, good values, doesn't sleep around, etc. We didn't have sex until 5 dates. I'm a little repulsed by this new information. I like her and I am even beginning to fall in love with her, but this new information has me second guessing dating her. She isn't a slut. She only had one sugar baby who helped pay for grad school. I know we all have a past, but I'm not sure this is something I can ever get past.

NP here.

Dealbreaker for me.

I'd never be able to trust her and would always have doubts about her character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're sleeping with someone you wouldn't be sleeping with but for his or her wealth and your ability to enjoy some benefit from that wealth, you're probably engaging in some form of prostitution.

If the wealth is incidental to the relationship, you'd be sleeping with him or her anyway, and the wealth is an added little bonus, then you're probably o.k.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, FWIW, I do agree with a number of people on here who have shared their belief that her telling you is a good sign of how much she cares.

Also, I have found some of the most judgmental people are either those who have the proverbial skeletons or are just being pious due to their own insecurities and to feel above the common folk. There is a difference between citing the facts while not condoning and condemning someone for their past actions. And just because someone stole something 20 years ago doesn't make them currently a thief.

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”
John Newton

Some people believe that once done it labels you forever. I don't like those people and doubt they apply the same standards to themselves.

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.”

If you are developing deep feelings for this woman, and she for you, then leave the past be and enjoy the present you have before you.

[Anonymous]

I think its fine and you need to stop looking at the world as so black and white. Like many have said, when you look back decades from now, after much pain that some other girl has given you because she didn't share her secrets with you, you'll regret not staying with this girl. It's only been a week. Give yourself some time and maybe a couple of therapy appointments to work through this. If you can't, dump her. Its only fair.

If I were giving advice to her, I'd say dump you. Too judgmental.

From someone who has been with someone for nearly 30 yrs and three kids and deaths of parents etc., This is something that seems important right now, but just isn't in the long run.

Good luck-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, FWIW, I do agree with a number of people on here who have shared their belief that her telling you is a good sign of how much she cares.

Also, I have found some of the most judgmental people are either those who have the proverbial skeletons or are just being pious due to their own insecurities and to feel above the common folk. There is a difference between citing the facts while not condoning and condemning someone for their past actions. And just because someone stole something 20 years ago doesn't make them currently a thief.

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”
John Newton

Some people believe that once done it labels you forever. I don't like those people and doubt they apply the same standards to themselves.

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.”

If you are developing deep feelings for this woman, and she for you, then leave the past be and enjoy the present you have before you.

Very nice sentiment, in the abstract.

Pop quiz: who do you trust with your wallet?

(a) someone who regularly stole 20 years ago but claims not to have stolen since, or

(b) someone who's never stolen anything in their life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it a formal sugar daddy relationship, like someone she sought out for that on a website, or just a generous older guy that she dated who wanted to pay for stuff for her?

Op here. She described it as a fwb type relationship. She was 27 and he was 35. I am not jealous, btw. I make very good money.