What do people fight about?

[Anonymous]

DH and I both grew up in dysfunctional families and sometimes those issues come out in disagreements. Generally we talk through them either later in the day or the next day after we've had to time cool off---I can get pretty heated quickly. There was a weekend where we didn't have much food in the house and DH said he was going to go to the grocery store and didn't get around to it two days in a row---I was more upset than the situation warranted because I grew up with food insecurity and not having some staples in the cabinets freaks me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I don't really fight/argue. I don't know what it is that people actually fight over. What do you actually spend time in disagreement over? Do you yell?

I'm left wondering is it because we are both not bringing issues up in order to discuss them, is it a function of fairly stable/ easygoing personalities, or because we are so supremely compatible that all other loves pale in comparison to ours?

We don't really fight either. If we've had 4 real fights in 14 years I'd be surprised. Those were about neither one of us feeling heard, plus we were both really stressed about financial stuff. Of course we get on each other's nerves sometimes now and again but nothing serious. We have really good communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What topics do you avoid and why? There is nothing I cannot talk about with my husband. Sometimes it hurts or is hard, but we've both learned avoidance leads to resentment.

We avoid getting in too deep on politics (she's a democrat, I'm republican) and things like abortion. She's pro-choice and while I support a woman's right to choose I am against it. We know what we disagree on and do our best to avoid hot topics. I have enormous respect for her opinions even if I disagree with some of them.

This is the opposite of us, we really get into the nitty gritty and debate politics, religion, art, current events etc.

I am not trying to be snarky, but it isn't it boring, and isolating, to have only shallow surface conversations where you avoid hot topics?

Hashing these things out with my DH, even if we don't agree, is so invigorating and makes me feel close to him.

[Anonymous]

His anger issues
His alcoholic family
Different parenting styles

[Anonymous]

His lack of affection
He is only able to handle things when life is a party

[Anonymous]

Sex (when one wants and one doesn't), money, and social events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What topics do you avoid and why? There is nothing I cannot talk about with my husband. Sometimes it hurts or is hard, but we've both learned avoidance leads to resentment.

I avoid the topics that we've discussed in the past but nothing has changed. Why? Because it frustrates him and me both. Avoidance does lead to resentments, but when we've had the same discussion 10 times and 10 times I ask for the same thing and 10 times I hear back the same answer ... why keep discussing it?

[Anonymous]

You non-fighting people sound super boring.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how you don't fight. I mean, not huge yelling matches, but normal fighting.

Do you see every single thing in your life the exact same way? Or do you just back down whenever there is conflict b/c you hate conflict?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how you don't fight. I mean, not huge yelling matches, but normal fighting.

Do you see every single thing in your life the exact same way? Or do you just back down whenever there is conflict b/c you hate conflict?

+1. I just don't get it. I mean I'm pretty agreeable but I definitely argue with my spouse from time to time. We are similar but not the same person so it is bound to happen and honestly sometimes it's really good for our relationship- we get everything out there and nothing is pent up and many times things improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a great relationship but do occasionally fight about doing stuff around the house or if one of us feels like the other isn't pulling his/her weight.

Fighting / conflict resolution is important. For too long DW and I both buried and internalized things we were upset about to avoid confrontation. That just builds resentment. Now I tell young couples one key to marriage is knowing how to fight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sex. I want it. She doesn't.

This is about the only thing my wife and I fight about. Rarely develops into a full blown argument, more hurt feelings and distance.

[Anonymous]

BS that in the grand scheme of things is so far down the priority list it doesn't deserve a sentence, let alone an argument

[Anonymous]

We argue when there are events/pressure. Usually it is me being mad about him rushing/not communicating/being inconsiderate.

A really specific example. Tonight we had an event. Kids welcome. He had a shift to help at the event starting a specific time. We agreed he would help me and the kids out to the car just before his 'shift' so I wasn't alone. (I'm very pregnant) Great. But he kept badgering me while I was eating food/enjoying people, saying it was almost time to help ya outside. He told me 10 minutes. 3 minutes later, he's like, 'ok it's time.' So after me explaining, hey, you told me 10 minutes but all of a sudden you're pushing me to be done socializing and eating....

We walk out, getting the kids out. The kids start playing in the grass outside. Instead of helping me to the car, he shows me the time on his phone. Gotta go.

I then spent the next 30 minutes wrangling them from playing with friends outside and carrying a sobbing toddler to the car. Again very pregnant. 3 minutes of his time would have saved me a ton of energy.

So he'll be home in 20 minutes--hopefully--and he can freaking do all of bedtime. I'm cooked.

So, back to my answer. He just rushes, feels pressure, doesn't think through. And then it causes problems. If he had slowed down a minute we could have talked it over beforehand, and prevented me being mad.

[Anonymous]

Him working ALL.The.TIME.
Sex- I want it and he's content with twice a week.
Mostly sex. I get really angry and feel rejected. Who turns down bjs??!!