College dorm sleepovers

[Anonymous]

I think it would be a good idea for the 2 young ladies to discuss the situation. Its hard to imagine all of those people in one room and for a couple to share a twin bed that close to the other. I think that once they talk and the roommate could understand the point of view of the other person, hopefully the other night stays will not take place in the dorm room. The room belongs to both parties and neither should do anything to make the other feel uncomfortable. I've learned that communication is key to situations like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even involved? She is an adult. She can discuss with her roommate, go to the RA, or go to the head of the housing unit. There are systems in place to protect residents; she should speak up and activate that system.

Do you think listening to kids frustrations translates to involvement in solutions? Don't assume they go hand in hand. Also, hard to imagine a student running to the RA or housing over it and causing bigger problems, unless it was extreme like a lock-out.

[Anonymous]

The debate about rules and parietals is completely irrelevant.
The issue is that one week is clearly ridiculous. Everyone knows that the unwritten rule is a night or a weekend is no problem.
Beyond that, you have a jerk for a roommate and you need to stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

sounds like the potential for a 3some, hope it works out so it happens. oh the fond memories of those sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend's a jerk if he expects this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will talk with her roommate but I know she's unhappy it was even assumed of her and she knows not going along with it will create tension. It's hard for me to imagine imposing on others like this. It seems so thoughtless. But I don't even visit friends or family in a house for more than 2 days!

Because her roommate will be bummed that she doesn't get to take advantage of your daughter's good nature. That's awful, but unfortunately everyone needs to learn how to deal with the entitled sometime.

[Anonymous]

If the boyfriend was in any way a real man he'd say "You know what, I'll find another place to crash. I'm good." But I'll bet he wont, because he expects sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised the college allows that?! When I was in college, you had to get prior approval for overnight guests and it could never be for more than a night. I have three kids in school now and it is the same way for them as well.

Where did you go to school? Mine didn't have any rules like that, and that was nearly 30 years ago. My sister's dorms had strict rules, but she was at a catholic college.

I graduated from a SLAC in the early 80s and we had no rules about visitors and by the end of my time the one remaining single sex dorm was gone. I also visited various friends at college during that time, from Ivies to SLACs to places like BU, and no rules at any of those. My DCs are current/recent college students and no rules at their schools. Usually roommates just have to work out an agreement on overnight guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised the college allows that?! When I was in college, you had to get prior approval for overnight guests and it could never be for more than a night. I have three kids in school now and it is the same way for them as well.

Where did you go to school? Mine didn't have any rules like that, and that was nearly 30 years ago. My sister's dorms had strict rules, but she was at a catholic college.

I graduated from a SLAC in the early 80s and we had no rules about visitors and by the end of my time the one remaining single sex dorm was gone. I also visited various friends at college during that time, from Ivies to SLACs to places like BU, and no rules at any of those. My DCs are current/recent college students and no rules at their schools. Usually roommates just have to work out an agreement on overnight guests.

I think you are likely wrong about no rules on this topic. See below policy quotes from the first 3 colleges I pulled up. So there are formal restrictions. I agree with prior poster that there are likely rules at most universities so they have a policy in place in case of abuse of a situation or a serious problem or disagreement. But my guess is that the rules are not enforced much otherwise.

BU: Generally, residents must accompany their guests at all times. A resident may have no more than three (3) guests at a time, and guests may stay in a room, suite, or apartment no more than three consecutive nights. Residents are able to have guests stay overnight for no more than seven (7) such visits each semester.
Guests are expected to respect and comply with all rules and regulations while in or around the residences. At all times, residents are responsible for the conduct and activity of their guests, including any damage caused to University property and violations of policies for student residences.

YALE: Guests. Students living in the dormitories may have guests for brief visits, but not for more than a few days. Roommates who feel inconvenienced by the presence of others’ guests should discuss the matter with their residential college head or dean. No guest may be in residence if a host is not present. Students are responsible for the behavior of their guests at all times; guests may not use common areas of a college unless their hosts are present.

UMD: Residents are held responsible for the behavior of their visitors and guests.
Residents must get the prior approval of their roommate(s) in order to have a guest stay overnight.
Guests may stay in a resident's room for no longer than three consecutive nights, always with the roommate's(s') prior approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The debate about rules and parietals is completely irrelevant.
The issue is that one week is clearly ridiculous. Everyone knows that the unwritten rule is a night or a weekend is no problem.
Beyond that, you have a jerk for a roommate and you need to stand up for yourself.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

I think it's super nervy. Have them pay for a damned hotel. My dd's roommate used to lock her out for BF visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised the college allows that?! When I was in college, you had to get prior approval for overnight guests and it could never be for more than a night. I have three kids in school now and it is the same way for them as well.

Graduated in the 80s and have never, ever heard of any non-religious, non-military/maritime college that still had parietal rules. Not one. Typically stay-overs involving the same or affiliated colleges aren't really scrutinized unless there's a complaint or problem. For non-students, unless there's a complaint or problem, usually it's a discretionary soft-cap.

Virginia Tech had them in the 80's. I know because I was there and graduated in 1986.

Graduated from W&M in 1987, no rules of this sort. Not even when I lived in an all-women's dorm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised the college allows that?! When I was in college, you had to get prior approval for overnight guests and it could never be for more than a night. I have three kids in school now and it is the same way for them as well.

Graduated in the 80s and have never, ever heard of any non-religious, non-military/maritime college that still had parietal rules. Not one. Typically stay-overs involving the same or affiliated colleges aren't really scrutinized unless there's a complaint or problem. For non-students, unless there's a complaint or problem, usually it's a discretionary soft-cap.

Virginia Tech had them in the 80's. I know because I was there and graduated in 1986.

Graduated from W&M in 1987, no rules of this sort. Not even when I lived in an all-women's dorm.

Correction: At W&M there were policies governing how frequently one could have overnight guests and for how long but IME they weren't invoked unless someone lodged a specific complaint. There were no prior approval of guests, no limited visiting hours, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised the college allows that?! When I was in college, you had to get prior approval for overnight guests and it could never be for more than a night. I have three kids in school now and it is the same way for them as well.

Where did you go to school? Mine didn't have any rules like that, and that was nearly 30 years ago. My sister's dorms had strict rules, but she was at a catholic college.

I graduated from a SLAC in the early 80s and we had no rules about visitors and by the end of my time the one remaining single sex dorm was gone. I also visited various friends at college during that time, from Ivies to SLACs to places like BU, and no rules at any of those. My DCs are current/recent college students and no rules at their schools. Usually roommates just have to work out an agreement on overnight guests.

I think you are likely wrong about no rules on this topic. See below policy quotes from the first 3 colleges I pulled up. So there are formal restrictions. I agree with prior poster that there are likely rules at most universities so they have a policy in place in case of abuse of a situation or a serious problem or disagreement. But my guess is that the rules are not enforced much otherwise.

BU: Generally, residents must accompany their guests at all times. A resident may have no more than three (3) guests at a time, and guests may stay in a room, suite, or apartment no more than three consecutive nights. Residents are able to have guests stay overnight for no more than seven (7) such visits each semester.
Guests are expected to respect and comply with all rules and regulations while in or around the residences. At all times, residents are responsible for the conduct and activity of their guests, including any damage caused to University property and violations of policies for student residences.

YALE: Guests. Students living in the dormitories may have guests for brief visits, but not for more than a few days. Roommates who feel inconvenienced by the presence of others’ guests should discuss the matter with their residential college head or dean. No guest may be in residence if a host is not present. Students are responsible for the behavior of their guests at all times; guests may not use common areas of a college unless their hosts are present.

UMD: Residents are held responsible for the behavior of their visitors and guests.
Residents must get the prior approval of their roommate(s) in order to have a guest stay overnight.
Guests may stay in a resident's room for no longer than three consecutive nights, always with the roommate's(s') prior approval.

Honestly I think these are more recent developments. There were actually fewer policies in the 80s and less emphasis on roommate relations in those days. RAs also got much less training than they do today, and sexual harassment was barely acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even involved? She is an adult. She can discuss with her roommate, go to the RA, or go to the head of the housing unit. There are systems in place to protect residents; she should speak up and activate that system.

SERIOUSLY. Half the lessons learned in college are learned outside of the classroom. How to deal with roommates/consult with a housing authority when needed is a life lesson.