Ritual of "gratefulness" when outsiders are present. Isn't this unbearable?

[Anonymous]

How is it doing this publicly when it sounds like a family is doing this in their own home or when hosting a dinner? I don't understand criticizing a family choosing to practice expressing gratitude in their own home. Should they stop because a guest finds what the family is grateful for trite? What a ridiculous thing to criticize.

[Anonymous]

It's fine if this is something that you do with your own family around the dinner table every night. But to expect your guests to do this around a big gathering of people they don't know that well is a little awkward I think.

The host is probably just trying to make their guests feel included and is using this as a way for everyone at the table to get to know each other. At the same time, I can see how some of the guests might feel put on the spot by a request like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez OP. If this is your biggest concern, you should be *grateful*. Just because you don't feel gratitude or appreciate others feeling grateful doesn't mean we should all just shut up and dig in without a word of thanks.

Seriously. Lighten up OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

You used the terms "program of activities" and "agenda" in reference to Thanksgiving dinner with friends. One suggestion for next Thanksgiving would be to not take yourself so seriously.

You asked me why I accepted the invite in a household where this was done, and whether it was sprung on me or not. FFS.

Some of us call these "traditions."

If you don't like holiday traditions, particularly ones centered on gratitude for a holiday celebrating the giving of thanks, then you should stay home and eat your meal free of tradition.

[Anonymous]

And we've found the Grinch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

You used the terms "program of activities" and "agenda" in reference to Thanksgiving dinner with friends. One suggestion for next Thanksgiving would be to not take yourself so seriously.

You asked me why I accepted the invite in a household where this was done, and whether it was sprung on me or not. FFS.

Some of us call these "traditions."

If you don't like holiday traditions, particularly ones centered on gratitude for a holiday celebrating the giving of thanks, then you should stay home and eat your meal free of tradition.

Seriously... Who gets invited to someone's house for the holidays and then bitches about their traditions... How utterly ungrateful can you be. You should take this thread and send it to the hosts of that dinner... See how many more invites she receives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

It's 5 min out of 24 hours. I think 'unbearable' sounds overly dramatic. Stay home next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine if this is something that you do with your own family around the dinner table every night. But to expect your guests to do this around a big gathering of people they don't know that well is a little awkward I think.

The host is probably just trying to make their guests feel included and is using this as a way for everyone at the table to get to know each other. At the same time, I can see how some of the guests might feel put on the spot by a request like this.

If you're not grateful for anything, or only grateful for things that can't be said in polite company, say 'family/friends/pie' and the turn will pass quickly. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

I'm grateful that OP isn't part of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful that OP isn't part of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

You used the terms "program of activities" and "agenda" in reference to Thanksgiving dinner with friends. One suggestion for next Thanksgiving would be to not take yourself so seriously.

You asked me why I accepted the invite in a household where this was done, and whether it was sprung on me or not. FFS.

Some of us call these "traditions."

If you don't like holiday traditions, particularly ones centered on gratitude for a holiday celebrating the giving of thanks, then you should stay home and eat your meal free of tradition.

Seriously... Who gets invited to someone's house for the holidays and then bitches about their traditions... How utterly ungrateful can you be. You should take this thread and send it to the hosts of that dinner... See how many more invites she receives.

+1. When someone has the grace to invite you as a guest to share their holidays, you go along with their traditions (short of human sacrifice) without complaint.

It take a mightily ungrateful wretch to complain about something so minor in light of the generosity that the hosts showed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful that OP isn't part of my life.

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow -- OP wins today's cynicism award in a landslide. It's hard to imagine why one would feel so negatively towards a gesture as simple and positive as giving thanks in a private family/friends setting.

+1 We do this on Thanksgiving. I can see it being overkill/insincere if you do it all the time, but I think it's nice as a special holiday tradition. OP is way overreacting. How hard is it to say, "I'm thankful for my friends/family/good health" or just "I'm thankful to be enjoying this holiday meal" and move on to the next person.

If it's not your cup of tea, that's fine, but why get your panties in a bunch over something so simple and well-intended? It's over in 5 minutes and then you can stuff yourself full of turkey and never have to be thankful for anything until next year, if that's what you want. Pretty obnoxious to be slamming people who hosted you for a holiday meal because they invited you to participate in a brief, anodyne tradition.

We actually do this every night at our dinner table. I like saying grace, but my husband is an atheist, so I came up with this (on my own, I didn't know it was a thing) as a substitute. Everyone says one thing, and it can be big or little, and the stuff my four-year-old comes up with is often hilarious and sweet. We invite guests to join us, but they don't have to. It's not about bragging, or showing off, it's just about taking a minute to remember that we have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes after a really crappy day, my husband or I struggle to think of something, but it always does us good to, even if it's just being grateful that the workday is over and we are home with our family. I guess if I didn't really like someone in the first place, it might annoy me, but I really don't see what's wrong with it per se.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mind doing this if asked. What I mind is someone asking me to say grace. I've had this happen to me twice at someone's house where I was a first-time guest. Talk about being put on the spot!

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. I think it is intrusive.