Ritual of "gratefulness" when outsiders are present. Isn't this unbearable?

[Anonymous]

Wow -- OP wins today's cynicism award in a landslide. It's hard to imagine why one would feel so negatively towards a gesture as simple and positive as giving thanks in a private family/friends setting.

[Anonymous]

I love this! Although kids saying they're grateful for their xbox wouldn't fly. It has to be something non materialistic.

I've actually seen it in a lot of houses on Thanksgiving, religious or not. It's part of the "Thanks"giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

You used the terms "program of activities" and "agenda" in reference to Thanksgiving dinner with friends. One suggestion for next Thanksgiving would be to not take yourself so seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

You used the terms "program of activities" and "agenda" in reference to Thanksgiving dinner with friends. One suggestion for next Thanksgiving would be to not take yourself so seriously.

You asked me why I accepted the invite in a household where this was done, and whether it was sprung on me or not. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, this is a genuine question for you, not snark: since this clearly bothers you deeply, why accept an invitation to be a guest of people who do this? Was it sprung on you once or do you return to a particular relative's house at the holidays knowing it will be done each time? I'm wondering why you are a guest if you feel so strongly about this. Is the dislike sufficient for you to not go back? Or is this a family obligation so you feel you must go and can't tell the host you will be in the kitchen filling the water glasses during this time ?

Personally I agree with the PP who noted that as a society we do not teach gratitude well (if at all) . What you view as smarmy oozing can be seen entirely differently by others. Is it possible that you're experiencing this ritual among people you know well and see the rest of the year so you happen to know, for instance, that a person's exaggerating what they say--?

But I do sincerely wonder why you are a guest where you're this uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to change up your holidays?

OP here. I was not provided with a program of activities prior to the holiday meal so I did not know this was on the agenda. Of course they do not see it the same way I do, I'm sure they do not see as smarmy oozing, of course I am cynical. Just throwing it out there. It didn't ruin the meal and I would go back.

Not sure why people are criticizing you OP. I too would find this to be deeply annoying if the people are treating it like a facebook bragging session--there's a navel gazing element to it in that situation. Our family does frequently kick off our nightly dinners by asking the kids to name good things and bad things about their day, but of course many days neither they nor we have notable things to report. In that case, we challenge each other to think of the most interesting or odd thing anyone heard or witnessed. I would never do this outside of our immediate family though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow -- OP wins today's cynicism award in a landslide. It's hard to imagine why one would feel so negatively towards a gesture as simple and positive as giving thanks in a private family/friends setting.

+1 We do this on Thanksgiving. I can see it being overkill/insincere if you do it all the time, but I think it's nice as a special holiday tradition. OP is way overreacting. How hard is it to say, "I'm thankful for my friends/family/good health" or just "I'm thankful to be enjoying this holiday meal" and move on to the next person.

If it's not your cup of tea, that's fine, but why get your panties in a bunch over something so simple and well-intended? It's over in 5 minutes and then you can stuff yourself full of turkey and never have to be thankful for anything until next year, if that's what you want. Pretty obnoxious to be slamming people who hosted you for a holiday meal because they invited you to participate in a brief, anodyne tradition.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother, a holocaust survivor, introduced a thanksgiving tradition like this on her therapist's recommendation. After she did the "Shoah" oral history project she became depressed and had trouble sleeping so she went to a counselor for the first time, which was far less common back then. The therapist recommended that she initiate this thankfulness exercise in a group and that she take up the sport that she'd loved before the war (swimming). It became a family tradition and she started swimming several hours per day, eventually becoming a swim instructor in her late sixties until she died in her 80s.

Everyone has a reason for trying something like this. Instead of following your instinct to disrespect it, I recommend looking within yourself and making a sincere effort to find meaning in it. You might find that either the practice itself of this act of solidarity with your hostess is rewarding.

[Anonymous]

We do this at thanksgiving too. It's a tradition and the kids bring it up if the adults don't. Participate or don't if you're at our table, but we aren't changing traditions just because we have guests.

My kids don't just give standard answers. If the same answer is given as another person or if someone (in the immediate family, not a guest) seems insincere or thoughtless, someone will usually ask them what else they're grateful for. I think it's cute to see what the kids will say. One year we had just had our second DD a few days before thanksgiving. Everyone thought 2.5yo DD would say she was grateful for her new sister. Instead, after much thought, she said she was thankful she has hands.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry to touch such a deep defensive nerve in so many people...we do gratefulness at Thanksgiving but I had no idea it was such a part of Christmas too. Live and learn! Peace out~

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry to touch such a deep defensive nerve in so many people...we do gratefulness at Thanksgiving but I had no idea it was such a part of Christmas too. Live and learn! Peace out~

I could totally see my kids making it part of Christmas since thanksgiving was so recent. Or I can see parents adding it to remind kids they have a lot to be grateful for in the middle of such a materialistic time.

I'm surprised you do this at thanksgiving. You know you're supposed express gratitude on the other 364 days too right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a foreigner, I was surprised and uncomfortable the first time I witnessed this as a guest at a Thanksgiving dinner - but of course I thought it was part of the day's ritual.

Any other time, and I wouldn't want to participate. The host of that dinner often makes toasts at every meal expressing his various gratitudes, while he spends the rest of his life whining and raging. Expressive personality, that guy!

I'm deeply grateful to be alive and to have loving friends and family, but I practice daily mindfulness and meditate about it instead of emoting publicly about it!

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it unbearable to be present as a guest at the holidays when someone's family is made or encouraged to go around the table and declare what they are grateful for. I just can't stand it.

Why did this tradition evolve? It's so smarmy and insincere. The kids always say they are grateful for their family, and then add a couple of presents in "My Wingding 2000." "My new bike."

The parents ooze about their families, their spouses, their health, etc.

Why, why, why?

OP, I feel as you do because the only times I have ever been present for something like this it is clearly a show that the hosts are putting on. As you say, smarmy and insincere, a "look at me moment" where they want to show everyone how deep they are because they came up with the idea that holidays should be related to gratitude.

I know this because I see these people in action the rest of the time and they are not living a life where a "ritual of gratefulness" is part of their normal day. But constantly looking for ways to get attention and convince others they are special is.

I also have friends who do live a life of gratitude and hope. I am kind of a cynical person so sometimes it is a bit much for me, but I know it is all sincere. I would probably enjoy being a part of a ritual like this with them because it would be sincere and not contrived for the purpose of sounding deep on Facebook later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry to touch such a deep defensive nerve in so many people...we do gratefulness at Thanksgiving but I had no idea it was such a part of Christmas too. Live and learn! Peace out~

What's unbearable is OP's attitude. Don't ask a question if you don't want honest answers. Disagreeing is not defensiveness. Did you not have "outsiders" at your Thanksgiving, or was it ok then because you're perfect and everyone else is shallow and insincere?