special bond with first grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the person. My MIL definitely favors my oldest. I hate it. It's so obvious. My dad's mom favored me, and it was so uncomfortable for me with my siblings. My mom's loved us all equally. She was a great grandma.

+1

And because she treated you equally - she will always be remembered for the great person she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the person. My MIL definitely favors my oldest. I hate it. It's so obvious. My dad's mom favored me, and it was so uncomfortable for me with my siblings. My mom's loved us all equally. She was a great grandma.

I'm in a similar boat (MIL favors oldest) and it drives me nuts. It's clear she's not doing it intentionally, she just developed a close bond with older DS, her first grandchild, and hasn't really made a concious effort to do so with our younger (by 3 years) DD. DH is an only, and we're done with 2, so these are likely her only grandchildren.

Were here now for the week after Christmas, and just tonight she did two unconscious things that jumped out at me. In the car home from dinner, she gave DD her phone to play with, and ignored or just didn't notice (hard of hearing) DD whining to see/play too, so I gave her my phone to play with. Then when stopped at the ice cream place, we were all sitting outside shivering, and she gives her only sweater to DS without thinking about how that would feel to DD.

We've had to remind her in the past to keep gifts roughly equal, because the first two Christmases after DD was born she bought almost double the number of gifts for DS, and still when sending random gifts of clothes, etc., she'll send more for DS and say she couldn't find anything she liked for DD.

My parents don't appear to do this. My DS is the only boy but not the oldest for them, but I can't say that I've ever noticed any favoritism towards my brother's kids.

MIL clearly loves her DD, she just doesn't *notice* her as much as DS. I really hope that changes before she's old enough to notice (she's 3 now), cause I'm not sure how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree. I'm the first grandchild on my mom's side of the family. My grandparents had a full five years with me before the next kid came around so we have a very strong bond that none of the other grandkids have with them.

When my grandfather on my mom's side passed away, I was the only grandchild who was left anything, and I was left a very expensive 4 story house in Iran because it's the house my grandfather built hoping one day my parents would move back and it would become my forever home. He didn't do this for any of the other grandkids.

My maternal grandmother is even more attached to me, and even through her Alzheimer's, I'm the only person she connects with. She's leaving her entire collection of luxury goods to me (not even my mother or any of her own daughters) as well as all the land she inherited throughout Iran when her father passed, even though I've never gone back to Iran since my parents left the country. She doesn't hesitate to tell anyone / everyone that I'm her favorite and all her trips to the US are planned around me / my schedule and she always tell my parents she only wants to come when I'm planning on being in town for the longest amount of time.

She absolutely *does* love her other grandchildren. And she dotes on them and loves them a lot. And gifts them many terrific items so it's not like they're left out. But the relationship I have with her is one I don't think any of them could have ever had because she practically raised me the first few years of my life while my father was in medical school and my mother was finishing her undergrad degree.

Being with her and my grandfather at that point 24/7 gave us an unbreakable bond, one that I'm incredibly thankful for because they loved the hell out of me and I never felt alone and always felt showered with love, despite my parents rarely being around for those first few years. And when the Iran vs. Iraq war was happening and a bomb took out our neighbors house and part of our home and shrapnel ripped open my right arm from my knuckles up to about mid-arm, it was my grandparents who were with me and who risked their own lives to get me to a hospital while I was bleeding out. I'm tearing up just writing this because of all that they did for me and all the love they showed me.

Are you a male or a female?

I'm a female!

[Anonymous]

Agree. Fil called first grandkid nicest, kindest, most mature young adult he ever met. Called my DS nice on surface, but angry kid. To my face. DS was never anything but nice to him. First grandson stole $20 from my DD and in a fight pulled his own sister's nail completely off. He is 19 so not a teen fight either. He is nice enough, but nothing like grandpa thinks. My DS is first for my parents and my mom and dad adore him, so much so I think my mom dislikes/hates my DD, her younger grandchild. Fil, has 3 other grandkids that are never, ever mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Yes for my kids for a few reasons I believe: DC1 was an easygoing baby, very loving and would let anyone hold him, while DC2 was the opposite; also both sets of grandparents aged a lot in the 3 years between DC1 and 2, they were much more active and had a lot more fun with my oldest so the bond seems stronger.

I was my maternal grandparents' favorite although I was in the middle of the pack but I was the only girl. Paternal grandparents were closest to their favorite child's kid.

[Anonymous]

Agree - my DD is the first for my parents and she is their favorite. Also she is the grandchild they see the most.

Also will add that personality has a lot to do with it. There is a special bond between my nephew and my dad. They are very similar in personality and my sister loves when my parents come to visit because my dad and nephew hang out all day.

My parents never show favoritism but DD does hold a special place in their hearts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree. I'm the first grandchild on my mom's side of the family. My grandparents had a full five years with me before the next kid came around so we have a very strong bond that none of the other grandkids have with them.

When my grandfather on my mom's side passed away, I was the only grandchild who was left anything, and I was left a very expensive 4 story house in Iran because it's the house my grandfather built hoping one day my parents would move back and it would become my forever home. He didn't do this for any of the other grandkids.

My maternal grandmother is even more attached to me, and even through her Alzheimer's, I'm the only person she connects with. She's leaving her entire collection of luxury goods to me (not even my mother or any of her own daughters) as well as all the land she inherited throughout Iran when her father passed, even though I've never gone back to Iran since my parents left the country. She doesn't hesitate to tell anyone / everyone that I'm her favorite and all her trips to the US are planned around me / my schedule and she always tell my parents she only wants to come when I'm planning on being in town for the longest amount of time.

She absolutely *does* love her other grandchildren. And she dotes on them and loves them a lot. And gifts them many terrific items so it's not like they're left out. But the relationship I have with her is one I don't think any of them could have ever had because she practically raised me the first few years of my life while my father was in medical school and my mother was finishing her undergrad degree.

Being with her and my grandfather at that point 24/7 gave us an unbreakable bond, one that I'm incredibly thankful for because they loved the hell out of me and I never felt alone and always felt showered with love, despite my parents rarely being around for those first few years. And when the Iran vs. Iraq war was happening and a bomb took out our neighbors house and part of our home and shrapnel ripped open my right arm from my knuckles up to about mid-arm, it was my grandparents who were with me and who risked their own lives to get me to a hospital while I was bleeding out. I'm tearing up just writing this because of all that they did for me and all the love they showed me.

I think it's horrible to leave so much to one child to the exclusion of the others. You sound narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about a special bond, but there is a diminishing excitement level. DC was #1 on my side and #10 on DH's side. My parents ended up have four and bonded a bit with each at various times. DH's parents never developed any bond, they were burned out from the first 9. Timing can be important. It ended up ok, they all have passed away now and their passing was easier for my children to take. It is sad that at 19 and 17 my children have no living grandparents (all four were living when they were born as well as one great-grand mother).

I think sometimes a special bond does develop between a grand parent and one of their grandchildren. Timing, age, personality..... I think it is special and wonderful. It shouldn't have to be exactly the same with each, just as a uncle or aunt may develop a special bond with a particular niece ore nephew or between two siblings or cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree. I'm the first grandchild on my mom's side of the family. My grandparents had a full five years with me before the next kid came around so we have a very strong bond that none of the other grandkids have with them.

When my grandfather on my mom's side passed away, I was the only grandchild who was left anything, and I was left a very expensive 4 story house in Iran because it's the house my grandfather built hoping one day my parents would move back and it would become my forever home. He didn't do this for any of the other grandkids.

My maternal grandmother is even more attached to me, and even through her Alzheimer's, I'm the only person she connects with. She's leaving her entire collection of luxury goods to me (not even my mother or any of her own daughters) as well as all the land she inherited throughout Iran when her father passed, even though I've never gone back to Iran since my parents left the country. She doesn't hesitate to tell anyone / everyone that I'm her favorite and all her trips to the US are planned around me / my schedule and she always tell my parents she only wants to come when I'm planning on being in town for the longest amount of time.

She absolutely *does* love her other grandchildren. And she dotes on them and loves them a lot. And gifts them many terrific items so it's not like they're left out. But the relationship I have with her is one I don't think any of them could have ever had because she practically raised me the first few years of my life while my father was in medical school and my mother was finishing her undergrad degree.

Being with her and my grandfather at that point 24/7 gave us an unbreakable bond, one that I'm incredibly thankful for because they loved the hell out of me and I never felt alone and always felt showered with love, despite my parents rarely being around for those first few years. And when the Iran vs. Iraq war was happening and a bomb took out our neighbors house and part of our home and shrapnel ripped open my right arm from my knuckles up to about mid-arm, it was my grandparents who were with me and who risked their own lives to get me to a hospital while I was bleeding out. I'm tearing up just writing this because of all that they did for me and all the love they showed me.

I think it's horrible to leave so much to one child to the exclusion of the others. You sound narcissistic.

Yes I agree. Why are you reveling in this- how hurtful to the other grandchildren!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree if the grandparents are well adjusted people.

+1

My in laws now have 9 grandchildren and I am constantly amazed that, with each single one, they have the ability to develop a special and unique bond with each one. The oldest is 9 and the youngest is 2 months. They're wonderful and I intend on impressing upon my kids how lucky they are to have such loving grandparents (on both sides, actually).

Yup I feel the same way- my kids are very lucky that their grandparents don't play favorites. That's awful.

And I'll say, I had very disfunctional grandparents on both sides (alcoholism and mental illness) but despite their many flaws, they never favored any of their grandchildren over the others. Grandparents who do this are really messed up.

I think there is a huge difference between having a special bond and playing favorites. My mom has a special bond with my oldest because she spent a lot of time alone with him and they are a good got personality wise. But she loves all grandkids equally and has a bond with each.

[Anonymous]

Agree right now. But once my DD is older, I think they will be closer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree. I'm the first grandchild on my mom's side of the family. My grandparents had a full five years with me before the next kid came around so we have a very strong bond that none of the other grandkids have with them.

When my grandfather on my mom's side passed away, I was the only grandchild who was left anything, and I was left a very expensive 4 story house in Iran because it's the house my grandfather built hoping one day my parents would move back and it would become my forever home. He didn't do this for any of the other grandkids.

My maternal grandmother is even more attached to me, and even through her Alzheimer's, I'm the only person she connects with. She's leaving her entire collection of luxury goods to me (not even my mother or any of her own daughters) as well as all the land she inherited throughout Iran when her father passed, even though I've never gone back to Iran since my parents left the country. She doesn't hesitate to tell anyone / everyone that I'm her favorite and all her trips to the US are planned around me / my schedule and she always tell my parents she only wants to come when I'm planning on being in town for the longest amount of time.

She absolutely *does* love her other grandchildren. And she dotes on them and loves them a lot. And gifts them many terrific items so it's not like they're left out. But the relationship I have with her is one I don't think any of them could have ever had because she practically raised me the first few years of my life while my father was in medical school and my mother was finishing her undergrad degree.

Being with her and my grandfather at that point 24/7 gave us an unbreakable bond, one that I'm incredibly thankful for because they loved the hell out of me and I never felt alone and always felt showered with love, despite my parents rarely being around for those first few years. And when the Iran vs. Iraq war was happening and a bomb took out our neighbors house and part of our home and shrapnel ripped open my right arm from my knuckles up to about mid-arm, it was my grandparents who were with me and who risked their own lives to get me to a hospital while I was bleeding out. I'm tearing up just writing this because of all that they did for me and all the love they showed me.

I think it's horrible to leave so much to one child to the exclusion of the others. You sound narcissistic.

Yes I agree. Why are you reveling in this- how hurtful to the other grandchildren!

Both of you PP's are reading something into what I wrote that doesn't even exist. How am I narcissistic or reveling in anything that is hurtful to the other grandchildren when nothing hurtful is happening to the other grandchildren? I specifically pointed out how my grandmother *does* dote on her other grandchildren, loves them, gifts them beautiful things, etc. You're creating drama, or looking for it, where absolutely none exists. There is no drama in our family about this. It's a fact that they raised me for the first few years of my life. It's a fact that this creates a different bond between us vs. them and their other grandkids, who they have spent significantly less time with (because they live abroad). So stop being basic DCUM witches who destroy threads because they want to insert their own drama into it. Happy and lucky nobody in my family acts the way some of you do.

[Anonymous]

I was the first grandchild in the family but my younger cousin was definitely the favorite. I think it's because my cousin's personality was a better "fit" for our grandmother, and also possibly proximity (cousin and grandma lived near each other from cousin's birth whereas I did not live near grandma until I was 7 or 8).

[Anonymous]

I was convinced my MIL would favor the first grandchild (my DS's cousin) but she really doesn't! She seems to enjoy all her 3 grands equally. It annoyed me how much she fawned over her 1st and compared him to DS, but I see now that it's just the way she is and she adores them all. It's possible that the first grandchild is something additionally special to her, that would seem natural, but it does not play out really in any way that impacts my DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree. I'm the first grandchild on my mom's side of the family. My grandparents had a full five years with me before the next kid came around so we have a very strong bond that none of the other grandkids have with them.

When my grandfather on my mom's side passed away, I was the only grandchild who was left anything, and I was left a very expensive 4 story house in Iran because it's the house my grandfather built hoping one day my parents would move back and it would become my forever home. He didn't do this for any of the other grandkids.

My maternal grandmother is even more attached to me, and even through her Alzheimer's, I'm the only person she connects with. She's leaving her entire collection of luxury goods to me (not even my mother or any of her own daughters) as well as all the land she inherited throughout Iran when her father passed, even though I've never gone back to Iran since my parents left the country. She doesn't hesitate to tell anyone / everyone that I'm her favorite and all her trips to the US are planned around me / my schedule and she always tell my parents she only wants to come when I'm planning on being in town for the longest amount of time.

She absolutely *does* love her other grandchildren. And she dotes on them and loves them a lot. And gifts them many terrific items so it's not like they're left out. But the relationship I have with her is one I don't think any of them could have ever had because she practically raised me the first few years of my life while my father was in medical school and my mother was finishing her undergrad degree.

Being with her and my grandfather at that point 24/7 gave us an unbreakable bond, one that I'm incredibly thankful for because they loved the hell out of me and I never felt alone and always felt showered with love, despite my parents rarely being around for those first few years. And when the Iran vs. Iraq war was happening and a bomb took out our neighbors house and part of our home and shrapnel ripped open my right arm from my knuckles up to about mid-arm, it was my grandparents who were with me and who risked their own lives to get me to a hospital while I was bleeding out. I'm tearing up just writing this because of all that they did for me and all the love they showed me.

I think it's horrible to leave so much to one child to the exclusion of the others. You sound narcissistic.

Yes I agree. Why are you reveling in this- how hurtful to the other grandchildren!

Both of you PP's are reading something into what I wrote that doesn't even exist. How am I narcissistic or reveling in anything that is hurtful to the other grandchildren when nothing hurtful is happening to the other grandchildren? I specifically pointed out how my grandmother *does* dote on her other grandchildren, loves them, gifts them beautiful things, etc. You're creating drama, or looking for it, where absolutely none exists. There is no drama in our family about this. It's a fact that they raised me for the first few years of my life. It's a fact that this creates a different bond between us vs. them and their other grandkids, who they have spent significantly less time with (because they live abroad). So stop being basic DCUM witches who destroy threads because they want to insert their own drama into it. Happy and lucky nobody in my family acts the way some of you do.

Wow yeah, got to agree -- this PP told an incredible story explaining how this different bond came to be. Arguably it's unfair for the grandparents to show so much favoritism in the inheritance, but it's understandable how things evolved. But I believe you that it's not an issue in your family. It seems like everyone realizes you are almost like a daughter to them.