would you forgive your sister
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Anonymous
+1000  I was thinking the same thing! OP, does your sister call you "bubba"?
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Anonymous
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SOunds controlling but typical of sisters who are lonely.
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Anonymous
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Sounds similar to my SIL. We moved across the country because of her. I would not have stayed married if I lived on the same coast as her. Still 2,500 miles away she still attempts to control DH - her brother.
Drama. Drama. Drama. I haven't seen nor spoken to her in 15 years. DH talks to her a few times a year and goes to visit - mostly his mom who lives with SIL twice a year for long weekends. DH can't stand his sister either. |
Anonymous
OP, this is a smart post. The fact you're even asking the question about whether to forgive your sister indicates to me that on some level you maybe want to forgive her, and if so, that's kind of you. But as PP says, you can forgive her being so weak and foolish but cannot allow any of the behaviors toward your wife or your marriage to continue. I also agree with PPs mentioning mental illness. People with BPD can do exactly the types of things you describe and can turn one person, in this case your wife, into a scapegoat for everything they think is wrong (your wife keeps you away from your "blood" family, you only do/say things to appease your abusive wife, etc.). And they make statements sometimes almost as if they hope saying what they want out loud enough times means it's true -- which is kind of what she's doing by telling others you are divorcing. All this is NOT an excuse for her horrible actions but it is a possible explanation. She needs a certain reality in which someone is a villain and some part of her brain chose your wife. But this kind of personal reality affects other people. You can't stop it -- if it's BPD or other mental issues, only treatment can stop it - but you can choose to disengage. So do it. Block her. IF you feel some filial affection and concern here, you could block her but also, just once, tell her in person that that you love her as your sister but you cannot permit her words, texts and behavior like lies about divorce (to those outside the family! Good grief!) to go on affecting your family. Then with as much kindness as you can muster in this tough scenario, tell her that you believe she's creating her own reality about your marriage, and you deeply hope she will get therapy. If you do this, do it in person, no texts, no e-mail, your wife not there, just you and sister and another family member who agrees with you there. You need a third party present, so sister cannot claim later that you yelled or were abusive etc. Don't see her alone. Expect her to go ballistic, maybe, or to brush all your words off with "Oh, your evil wife told you to say all this! This is her talking, not you!" etc. Yeah, been there, done that, OP. Do not talk to sister if you don't want to, just block her, but if you do have that one in-person talk, have someone else there and keep it very brief. Don't engage in a dialogue about it all or let sister start going off about your wife or your "divorce." Say your piece, be genuine in your wish that she get therapy, and get out of there. You will at least know you made an effort beyond just cutting off all texts. But if cutting off is the only way, take it. But I hope you won't stop seeing other family members, if you want to see them, because of her. Reach out and arrange ways and times to see others without her there. One key thing -- be SURE that other family members understand that when sister says you are divorcing, or if she makes any form of comment about your wife or your marriage or your being under your wife's control etc. -- it is untrue. "Please do not give any credence to anything Sally has said or may say about Wife or me. Sally seems to have her own reality when it comes to me and Wife, and has said things to us and to others that are simply not true. We are no longer in contact with Sally, but we do want to keep all our relationships with the rest of the family; we just need to ensure that you understand what you hear from her about me, wife or our marriage can't be believed." Or something along those lines. |
Anonymous
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People with these issues can and do break apart families. I've dealt with this among my in-laws.
In my experience, it does more harm than good to say anything to someone like your sister. Anything you say, no matter how carefully and kindly you say it, will go through her brain and come out distorted and turned against you. Do no give her ammunition. The best thing to do is to keep contact minimal, keep all talk superficial, and never engage with someone like this. She makes it a full-time job to stir up trouble and push her distorted agenda, so you just need to live your life and your truth, and let a lot go as far as trying to run around doing damage control among your relatives and acquaintances. Don't waste your time and energy. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
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That is so bizarre - I've never heard of a mom or dad who celebrate Christmas, NOT spending Christmas with their child and spouse (if they aren't divorced or deployed, etc.).
I agree with the PPs telling you to disengage but do you call her out on this crazy behavior? "Hi Sis. Who the fuck does that? No one. Merry Christmas!" You might also point that your child is your wife's blood relative. So you both would like to spend the holiday with her. Aw hell now you've set me off: "Sis, while my wife isn't blood, let's face it, I've pumped so much semen in her that's gotta count for something right? Wink Wink! Tell BIL I said hello!" |
Anonymous
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It doesn't sound like she is asking for forgiveness.
Unclear if she is mentally ill or just a horrible person, but I would cut way back on contact. I think having a conversation or blocking her number would cause more drama. Just stop contacting her, respond to texts with just the bare minimum, avoid seeing her in person as much as possible. And just realize that she is in the wrong and stand by your wife. If she eventually apologizes and changes her ways, then you can consider if you want to forgive her and start having a relationship again. Doesn't sound like she is anywhere close. |
Anonymous
That's gross. I am the sister who has a married brother. I am closer with my SIL than my parents. What your sister is doing is completely inappropriate. You don't mess with people's marriages. |
Anonymous
Well played, PP. |
Anonymous
| Am I the only one that assume OP was a woman at first and the SIL was some sort of whorish woman?? Goes to show... |
Anonymous
Murphy this. So yes I would not forgive her. |
Anonymous
I did too... 
No way I would forgive this. I would cut off contact, explain the situation to the rest of the family and invite everyone over except sister & fam for a holiday celebration before or after Christmas at your place. |
Anonymous
This. I think there is something beyond "normal" weird asshole behavior here, it sounds like she needs help. I'd keep distance when smart but see what I could do to get her some help too. |
Anonymous
| Your sister sounds nuts. |