What is wrong with my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

OP here, and I probably won't send it, but... she put herself in the middle by 1) inviting my mother to come stay with her for extended visits after I limited her visits with me, and 2) taking me to lunch to try to further welcome my mother into my life.

Picture me, singing loudly. BOUNDARIES! OP, you need boundaries with your mom AND your stepmom. Her relationship with her mother is not your relationship with your mother. "You don't know everything Jane, and it's not an appropriate discussion for us to have. You'll have to respect this boundary."

This is so empowering to do, OP. It is really freeing to realize that you can decide what you want to allow in your relationships. If MIL or mom has an issue with anything, its not your problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

OP here, and I probably won't send it, but... she put herself in the middle by 1) inviting my mother to come stay with her for extended visits after I limited her visits with me, and 2) taking me to lunch to try to further welcome my mother into my life.

Picture me, singing loudly. BOUNDARIES! OP, you need boundaries with your mom AND your stepmom. Her relationship with her mother is not your relationship with your mother. "You don't know everything Jane, and it's not an appropriate discussion for us to have. You'll have to respect this boundary."

Thanks. It's just that it puts me in a very awkward position when my mother is staying with my step-MIL, 20 minutes away from me. Then, she will come to our house for 3 days, the length of time we have allowed her to stay... only to pack back up and go to my step-MIL's. 20 minutes away.

I guess you're right though, it's not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

NP here. I think you can tell you MIL all the things in your letter at some point, but don't seek her approval or understanding as you may or may not get it. She clearly has her own baggage about her mother. Let her carry hers and you carry yours.

And OP, let me just tell you this: You were abused in your childhood by her boyfriends and by her. She was not the mother you deserved (or wanted) and that is not your fault. You don't owe it to her, nor your mother in law, to endure any more pain than has already been inflicted upon you. Your job now is to heal yourself and protect your children. Don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

NP here. I think you can tell you MIL all the things in your letter at some point, but don't seek her approval or understanding as you may or may not get it. She clearly has her own baggage about her mother. Let her carry hers and you carry yours.

And OP, let me just tell you this: You were abused in your childhood by her boyfriends and by her. She was not the mother you deserved (or wanted) and that is not your fault. You don't owe it to her, nor your mother in law, to endure any more pain than has already been inflicted upon you. Your job now is to heal yourself and protect your children. Don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise.

OP here, thank you so much. I'm just so tired of carrying around this baggage, which I've tried to resolve with counselors over the years. I just can't have her in my life AND get past it. I have a pretty happy life that I've created away from all of my family, an absolutely wonderful husband and friends, and I hate that I come with this baggage. I'm sick of carrying it around but I can't seem to completely let it go.

It makes sense that this is all bubbling to the surface now, since I will be having a baby soon, and my mom will be around in some fashion. I do pretty okay the rest of the year when she is just someone who I have my kid facetime with every few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

OP here, and I probably won't send it, but... she put herself in the middle by 1) inviting my mother to come stay with her for extended visits after I limited her visits with me, and 2) taking me to lunch to try to further welcome my mother into my life.

Picture me, singing loudly. BOUNDARIES! OP, you need boundaries with your mom AND your stepmom. Her relationship with her mother is not your relationship with your mother. "You don't know everything Jane, and it's not an appropriate discussion for us to have. You'll have to respect this boundary."

Thanks. It's just that it puts me in a very awkward position when my mother is staying with my step-MIL, 20 minutes away from me. Then, she will come to our house for 3 days, the length of time we have allowed her to stay... only to pack back up and go to my step-MIL's. 20 minutes away.

I guess you're right though, it's not my problem.

No, OP. NO. YOUR MOTHER put HERSELF in this awkward position by doing all the things she did to you and didn't do for you when she was raising you. SHE CREATED THIS. It's on HER to feel awkward. Free yourself. It'll feel great, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Boundary issues remind me of adult children of alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

For you Op, and your Mother: A belief that more blah-blah-blah (talking) will prove your point.

Decide how you feel on an issue. State your case. And be done with the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For you Op, and your Mother: A belief that more blah-blah-blah (talking) will prove your point.

Decide how you feel on an issue. State your case. And be done with the discussion.

Thanks. I think I do a pretty good job at this.

Is this what you mean?

My mom asked if she could be in the delivery room, I immediately said no, I only wanted it to be DH and me. She kept pushing it, "well, I'll give you time to talk to DH about it, you two can discuss it and see what you think...."

Me: No, I don't need to discuss it with him. I don't want anyone else in the delivery room.

The end.

[Anonymous]

Sounds bipolar

[Anonymous]

I'm going to guess that your mother was sexually abused as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to guess that your mother was sexually abused as a child.

Due to the inappropriate boundaries and glossing over of abuse?

Sadly, I would not be surprised. But I suspect, if she was abused, she has it buried so deeply she probably would not even be able to admit to herself that it happened.

[Anonymous]

Bi-polar?

[Anonymous]

Actually sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder (which shares some features with Bi-polar and sometimes they co-occur).

from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
Signs and Symptoms

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality
Seemingly ordinary events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Some of these signs and symptoms may be experienced by people with other mental health problems—and even by people without mental illness—and do not necessarily mean that they have BPD. It is important that a qualified and licensed mental health professional conduct a thorough assessment to determine whether or not a diagnosis of BPD or other mental disorder is warranted, and to help guide treatment options when appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP from above: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The staying with a man who sexually assaulted you would be enough for me to end this relationship.

I agree! I would be done.