What is wrong with my mother?
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Anonymous
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My mom is a strange bird. I love her, but our past is too complicated for me to allow myself to ever get very close to her. I'm not comfortable being vulnerable around her, and I tend to withdraw when she comes to visit. It's not something I do intentionally, but I think it is a deeply rooted protection mechanism.
I can't quite put a label on what makes her so strange, but here are some examples: -she has zero boundaries. she wants to stay with me immediately after the birth of my 2nd child, but I'm putting her off because I know she would just sit there staring at me breastfeeding all day. -when I try to put boundaries in place, she fights against them. for example, no, mom, I only want my DH to be in the delivery room with me. "But I'm your mother, and it might be my last grandchild." -she knows we have a small house and prefer short visits, but still tries to come visit for weeks or a month at a time, forcing me to say no every time. -I no longer visit her in her home because of serious issues I have with her husband, who sexually assaulted me in the past. This was 15 years ago and she spent the first 11 years in denial, then finally acknowledged it and wanted to move forward and mend things, ultimately asking if he could attend my wedding with her (I said no). Talks about him adoringly, telling me about presents he gave her, etc. -insanely strong self-protection mechanism of denial (see above). her reality is just not always the same as everyone else's. -it's like she's not present during conversations, instead she is off in la-la land thinking about herself the next thing she's going to stay. -brags about how wonderful of a mother she was, even though that is far from true. I received Christmas presents one year that she and a friend stole from a store (I was a middle schooler and was with them). She frequently left us home alone all night while she went and partied, and we frequently went without basic necessities (but there was always party money). She had a live-in boyfriend who beat the crap out of both her and my brother, and ultimately chose him over my brother, who went to live with a relative. Then, she married the creep I referenced above. Always chose these loser men over her children. But, of course, that is not how any of it happened in her mind. She thinks she was the mother of the year and regularly solicits feedback in order to confirm that. -she's socially weird, loud, and often inappropriate. for example, she thinks it's hilarious to tell the story about how, when I was a baby, she thought I was "retarded" because I was such a chill baby compared to my high-energy older brother. Honestly, I cannot stand her even though I care about her. I feel obligated to continue a relationship with her, and my daughter enjoys her. The point of this post, though, is... does she have a mental illness, or is she just the product of unfortunate circumstances? I try to approach her with compassion, assuming the latter, but I am just curious what is at play here. She's not a mean or vindictive person, and can be logical at times. |
Anonymous
| OMG she sounds almost exactly like my husband's mom, who on top of all that, is extremely manipulative. She makes up her own narrative and her own version of reality, and sees people as pawns she defines and moves in order to meet her needs and her twisted reality. |
Anonymous
| PP again. I was so chilled by your description, I forgot to say that we keep contact with his mom to a minimum. Luckily she's not interested in our kids. I think you should draw strong boundaries and keep your distance, OP. This is serious personality disorder stuff. |
Anonymous
| I have no idea what's going on with her. I wonder about attachment issues, though--how was her relationship with her own parents? Was she abused, neglected, etc.? |
Anonymous
| I'm surprised you have any relationship with her at all. Something is severely wrong with her. |
Anonymous
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I'd say she has a personality disorder at best. She may also have some kind of mental illness, like bi-polar disorder, which is driving her risk-taking behavior.
Ultimately, however, it doesn't matter. You need to draw solid boundaries with her and learn to control her impact on your life. That means limiting contact. Have you sought counseling for yourself? You should. She was not the mother you deserved. |
Anonymous
Well, her mom had 6 children between the ages of 15-21 (with the same man, my grandfather). She always says she had a close relationship with her dad, but I would not be surprised to find out that he was physically abusive to the kids, or that she and her siblings witnessed him abusing my grandmother. He was also a pretty self-involved person, and my mom reminds me of him a lot, actually. He was the type of person who you could never really have a true conversation with, it was him doing all of the talking. One of my mom's sisters told me about a family member molesting her, so obviously my mom was at risk too. People on her side of the family have a sad habit of overlooking abusive behavior by men, so I really don't know what might happened to any of them. |
Anonymous
| Sounds just like my mother--she's a bipolar alcoholic. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
As far as I know, my mom's partying days are over for the most part. Although I am sure she still smokes pot on occasion. My sibling has bipolar disorder, so I would not be surprised if my mom had it as well. I'm not sure you could ever say she has a temper, but she definitely does not have one now, and seems to try to do nice things and be a supportive mom. But still, it's all about her somehow. As it turns out, she booked a ticket for 3 weeks for around my due date, and will be staying with my DH's stepmom for a lot of the time. Stepmom lives local to me, and unfortunately the two are buddies, and my stepmom tries to "encourage" our relationship. |
Anonymous
| The staying with a man who sexually assaulted you would be enough for me to end this relationship. |
Anonymous
Thankfully we usually only see her about once a year, twice at the most. She's just so bizarre. I always thought my perception of her was just skewed due to all of the issues I have with her, but my DH thinks she's weird, and it recently came out in conversation with another friend that she thinks my mom is pretty strange, too. |
Anonymous
I hear you. I honestly don't even remember if I ever told her about his inappropriate touching and attempts at other stuff when I was a teenager, I'm sure I figured it would fall on deaf ears. What she knows for sure, though, is about a time when he made serious moves on me when I was in my early 20's, and said all kinds of inappropriate and creepy things, especially considering he had been my stepfather for over 10 years at that point. She relies on him financially, so I am not sure how she could ever leave him. |
Anonymous
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OMG, OP. I am so struck by how you described childhood abuse and yet it wasn't the first thing on your list. Your mother repeatedly chose men over her children, allowed her children to be abused, abused them herself, and refused (and refuses) to acknowledge her mistakes.
She's not strange. She's mentally ill, and she's manipulating you even now. She will always fight against any boundaries you try to set. That is who she is. SET THEM, protect yourself, and limit your interactions with her to a minimum. Is it possible she could be a decent grandmother? Sure. Maybe. But she was a shitty mom and still is. |
Anonymous
+1 I don't think I could continue to have her in my life. I would draw some serious boundaries if you continue to have her around you. |