My husband is never available to help with baby care

[Anonymous]

If your husband is a full time PhD student then his inability/unwillingness to help is inexcusable. No PhD program is that demanding that he cannot spend a daily hour helping out. If he is working and doing the PhD part time then try to outsource as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

well then you never ever get to complain about parenting because someone else has 6 kids and that's harder than 3!

Give the op a break. She sounds frustrated and stressed. When I had one baby and my baby cried ALL the time, I was at a breaking point. If someone had told me "suck it up, you only have 1" I would have cried or punched them or both.

I had to go back to work after maternity leave. I would have wanted nothing more than to stay home with my baby all day.

What's your point? Do you want a medal?

Clearly, OP wants to be home with her baby too. That doesn't mean it's easy, especially considering the issues her baby is having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

She has a husband who is a phd student. He is around. I am sure he at least holds the baby occasionally. Sorry, I just don't sympathize. Maybe it's because my husband works, loves and wants to hang out with our children. There are single moms out there. Moms with more kids. One kid with both parents at home. Sorry, no sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is a full time PhD student then his inability/unwillingness to help is inexcusable. No PhD program is that demanding that he cannot spend a daily hour helping out. If he is working and doing the PhD part time then try to outsource as much as you can.

+1

I have 2 kids that I had as a professor at a top STEM school. DH was a professor too. One with no maternity leave. There is no PhD program that leaves no time for a child whatsoever. DH and I wrote papers and grant proposals while cuddling our babies or nursing them. And I cared for them outside of working. We had a 40 hour a week nanny but we're otherwise doing childcare.

The problem is not the PHD. Ignore the posters who worship it as some huge deal. There are lots of hard jobs and none, even president of the US or CEO excuse you from seeing your baby a few hours a day or week. He is afraid or not interested in childcare and this could destroy your relationship if he doesn't confront it and change it. After his PHD is done he will find something else intense to do so waiting is not advised.

You should discuss with your DH. He needs at least 1 small responsibility to start (bathing or doing one nap) In addition to supervising some playtime. You need daycare time to keep yourself sane (or a sitter). It is not negotiable. Good luck and come back here with an update. We will hold him accountable!

[Anonymous]

Sorry but a lot of PhD work is procrastinating and anxiety, esp if he is not working. I am guessing he is also avoiding baby care because you have a hard baby. But he does not get a pass. It is important for him to care for baby, and for you to have a break. I would write out a schedule, might make him more productive anyway.

I am guessing you have taken your child to specialists, but am concerned about the crying and vomiting. one of our kids had bad GERD and slept in a rock n play MUCH better than flat in crib. that thing was a lifesaver. I would investigate allergies and other issues. Is chid a preemie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

Having a crying baby, toddler throwing a tantrum while trying to help oldest child do homework is hard. When I had a 2yo and baby, I was never able to sleep. Having one crying baby sounds pretty easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

Having a crying baby, toddler throwing a tantrum while trying to help oldest child do homework is hard. When I had a 2yo and baby, I was never able to sleep. Having one crying baby sounds pretty easy.

Right, I'm sure that when you had your first baby, who I'm assuming cried non-stop, had possible reflux issues, etc., you never had even a moment of thinking it was difficult, and you never wanted a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

She has a husband who is a phd student. He is around. I am sure he at least holds the baby occasionally. Sorry, I just don't sympathize. Maybe it's because my husband works, loves and wants to hang out with our children. There are single moms out there. Moms with more kids. One kid with both parents at home. Sorry, no sympathy.

There is always someone who has it harder. Let's say to the single moms out there, that there are kids with no parents at all, whose elderly grandparents have to do the work, so you could have it worse!

I love you how you say that since YOUR husband works and spends time with your kids, you have no sympathy for her... when her husband clearly does none of that. Your logic is nonexistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to go somewhere else to study. Of course you are looking to the other adult in the house to help you every time your daughter is being "difficult" and hearing him or imagining him saying "no" 100 times a day is going to take its toll. Once you realize that you are just on your own with the baby, and he figures out how to separate work from family life, you will both be happier and less frustrated and competitive.

This. OP here: This is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

That's not how parenting works. You can't just check out because you have other responsibilities. Everyone has those. It's called being an adult.

What are OP's other responsibilities?

I agree DH should parent too, but - who's paying the bills here? Is he working AND doing the phD while she takes care of the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious? Do either of you work?

Yes. DH is also a TA and I free lance. I haven't been able to pick up a lot of work though since I am busy with my daughter. I am holding off from working until we are settled somewhere new. Most likely we will move back to DC. We tried the university daycare at 6 months but my daughter screamed the entire time . The daycare providers could not handle her. I found a drop in program today. I might try this once she has adjusted to the cranial helmet. Thanks for all the advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

That's not how parenting works. You can't just check out because you have other responsibilities. Everyone has those. It's called being an adult.

What are OP's other responsibilities?

I agree DH should parent too, but - who's paying the bills here? Is he working AND doing the phD while she takes care of the baby?

He teaches 1-2 classes per semester. He's been teaching the same class for a few years now. I don't think there's a lot of planning involved. My income supplements his income but is not needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

Who are you to judge OP? Just because you have three children doesn't mean other peoples' only babies are easy ones.

The fact that you have three children, and think it's hard, is not relevant to the OP whatsoever.

She has a husband who is a phd student. He is around. I am sure he at least holds the baby occasionally. Sorry, I just don't sympathize. Maybe it's because my husband works, loves and wants to hang out with our children. There are single moms out there. Moms with more kids. One kid with both parents at home. Sorry, no sympathy.

I agree! He's the earner and getting his PHD and your sole responsibility is the baby. Suck it up, buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

I have four kids. looking back on it, three kids felt like a vacation, they would play together and logistics were so much easier. You really should be able to handle this, 3 is the easiest number. No wonder you're commenting on an anonymous board - it would be pretty embarrassing to admit this in real life. Three kids are sooooo easy. The first one was the biggest adjustment, but after that things just got easier.