My husband is never available to help with baby care

[Anonymous]

Take that baby on 3 walks a day and use a Bjorn the rest of the day. Or, pay someone to take her on walks while you nap. She will sleep in a stroller. I promise.

Have her checked for gerd. That much crying isn't normal. Leaving her in there until she vomits is terrible. Don't do that to your child.

If you have a "woe is me" atttitude about baby care, it will only make it more draining. This is a stage you should try to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Can he postpone the PhD? What is your financial situation? Is he working FT AND working on the PhD (in which case he should postpone the PhD work for a year and you will be financially steady). Or is he a FT student with stipends? In that case, the PhD work is a FT job maybe with some weekend work, but shouldn't preclude him from ANY baby care. But I don't care how "hard" you think your PhD is, it's not an 80h/week job.

What is your work situation?

[Anonymous]

Sit down and make a schedule. Set up a "work" schedule. From ___am to ___pm, he is working on his doctorate. You'll have no expectation that he's available. And from ___am to ___am and/or ___pm to ___pm, he is not working on his PhD and is taking care of baby, making dinner, spending down time with family, etc.

It might look something like this:
8-12noon -- Doctorate work
12-2pm -- lunch, baby care while mom leaves
2-6pm-- Doctorate work
6-8pm -- Dinner, family time
8--11pm -- Doctorate work

The point is that everyone knows when they're expected to be "on" for child care. The struggle you're having now is that you expect him to stop what he's doing to help out. Making a schedule ensures that everyone gets what they need--he knows he won't be interrupted, you know you can have some time on your own and you know there is dedicated family time. It's not perfect, and yes wouldn't it be ideal if you two could just go with the flow and take care of the baby? Sure , but that's not possible right now. So bring some order into the situation. Make a schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

Bull. My dh was in residency when our oldest was born. Oldest was a hard baby, too, I was exhausted and needed help. He was working 80-100 hours a week but when he got home he did as much as he could to help. There's no way OPs PhD candidate can't spare 30 minutes here and there to give his wife a break, no effing way. Op, this makes me so mad for you. You need to take breaks. When baby is asleep, say "I'm leaving to the grocery store" and don't worry if the baby will wake up while you're gone. Tell him you want him to wake up with the baby Sunday mornings and take the baby out of the house to give you rest. I don't believe that he is working every single minute he's awake. It doesn't sound like op wants him to do half her work, it sounds like he doesn't do a damn thing! That is not okay.

+1

I did the whole PhD thing (hard science at a top school for those of you keeping score) - he can take a hour or so a day to be on baby duty. Beauty of a PhD program is you can largely keep your own hours, especially when working on your dissertation, he can be on duty for naptime + 45min-1 hour and still get his PhD. If he can't, he's pretty much screwed for ever being a functioning adult with a job.

+1 from another person who finished a PhD with a baby (full draft turned in when kid was 3 months, defense when he was 6 months). Occasionally people get all dramatic about grad school being the hardest thing ever...it's not. Like any other job you have to manage your time well and also be a functioning adult. I did need a little help right before the big deadlines - my husband delayed the last week of his paternity leave to take the week before my draft was due, and my mom came to visit and help babysit that week and the week before my defense. But apart from those two very specific and limited crunch times, I made my own exhausting but super flexible schedule, trading off sleep for childcare and work. There is NO excuse for doing absolutely nothing, for eight months!

What to do about your useless husband I don't know, OP. This is so unreasonable I don't see how you could talk sense into him. Maybe it's time for a long visit home to your family to give yourself a break and think about what's next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down and make a schedule. Set up a "work" schedule. From ___am to ___pm, he is working on his doctorate. You'll have no expectation that he's available. And from ___am to ___am and/or ___pm to ___pm, he is not working on his PhD and is taking care of baby, making dinner, spending down time with family, etc.

It might look something like this:
8-12noon -- Doctorate work
12-2pm -- lunch, baby care while mom leaves
2-6pm-- Doctorate work
6-8pm -- Dinner, family time
8--11pm -- Doctorate work

The point is that everyone knows when they're expected to be "on" for child care. The struggle you're having now is that you expect him to stop what he's doing to help out. Making a schedule ensures that everyone gets what they need--he knows he won't be interrupted, you know you can have some time on your own and you know there is dedicated family time. It's not perfect, and yes wouldn't it be ideal if you two could just go with the flow and take care of the baby? Sure , but that's not possible right now. So bring some order into the situation. Make a schedule.

I think this is a great idea. Work out a specific schedule that everyone can live with so expectations are clear.

[Anonymous]

I also did a PhD while working full time - it is miserable but you don't get to give up the rest of your life to do so. At the end of the day, it is a few letters at the end of your name that don't really mean much. I know this doesn't help now but maybe have your husband talk to those who are outside academia with PhDs to gain some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

That's not how parenting works. You can't just check out because you have other responsibilities. Everyone has those. It's called being an adult.

This. I finished school and SAH the first two years of my daughter's life; my DH had a full-time job (duh). It was a sacrifice on both our ends but we BOTH parented - because that's what you do when you're a parent.

[Anonymous]

Another grad school mom. Your husband sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

+1

My question is what are you doing while he's studying and trying to finish the PhD? If you're holding down a full-time job, then yes he should be accommodating. If you're just sitting their staring at his head all day while he types. Then no.

[Anonymous]

He needs to go somewhere else to study. Of course you are looking to the other adult in the house to help you every time your daughter is being "difficult" and hearing him or imagining him saying "no" 100 times a day is going to take its toll. Once you realize that you are just on your own with the baby, and he figures out how to separate work from family life, you will both be happier and less frustrated and competitive.

[Anonymous]

DH was a surgical resident working 80 hrs per week plus studying for boards and publishing papers. Dh helped with the baby plenty. He wanted to spend time with his child. Our child had health problems requiring multiple surgeries. He didn't cry a lot. He was often weak.

[Anonymous]

Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

[Anonymous]

Why can't he hold the baby in a carrier while sitting at the computer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

well then you never ever get to complain about parenting because someone else has 6 kids and that's harder than 3!

Give the op a break. She sounds frustrated and stressed. When I had one baby and my baby cried ALL the time, I was at a breaking point. If someone had told me "suck it up, you only have 1" I would have cried or punched them or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM of one child? You should be able to handle this. I have 3 kids and that is hard.

well then you never ever get to complain about parenting because someone else has 6 kids and that's harder than 3!

Give the op a break. She sounds frustrated and stressed. When I had one baby and my baby cried ALL the time, I was at a breaking point. If someone had told me "suck it up, you only have 1" I would have cried or punched them or both.

I had to go back to work after maternity leave. I would have wanted nothing more than to stay home with my baby all day.