My husband is never available to help with baby care

[Anonymous]

He's in his last year of his PhD and we have an 8 month old. Our daughter is a HARD baby. We have to constantly hold her and she's late to reach her sitting up milestone. Dh is constantly on the computer doing his PhD work. Why can't he stop for a few hours to give me a break? Our dd is just so difficult to take care of. She cries herself to sleep at every nap. She's also cosleeping with us. I've tried putting her in the crib but she vomits and screams for a long time. She's also starting helmet therapy soon so I don't want to change things up on her yet. We live in a tiny apartment which makes things harder because dh is usually in the same room as us while he's studying. I kind of want to put her in part time daycare in the mornings so I don't go crazy myself. I am so depressed.

[Anonymous]

Grad school is a slog and I marvel at anyone who gets through it with children. Why can't he stop and give you a break? Maybe he can, but maybe he just has too much to do.

That does NOT mean you have to shoulder all of the childcare. Talk to him about being exhausted and overwhelmed and find a solution that fits your schedules and budget.

[Anonymous]

You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. If you aren't already try wearing your baby. Also get out everyday. Library, groceries, a walk. Some days I just put the baby in the car went for a ride to the next town and got a cup of tea from the drive through and sat quietly for 30 minutes. The quiet time helped me recharge and my hard baby liked the car. Don't do anything but rest, relax or sleep during her naps. Schedule an hour when DH is done studying that is your time to be without the baby. Maybe have DH do the bath/night routine. Remember that he is doing this to help you all have a brighter future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

That's not how parenting works. You can't just check out because you have other responsibilities. Everyone has those. It's called being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Maybe schedule an hour at the end of the day (or whenever works with your schedules) for him to be in charge of the baby and you get a break.

It'll be something that you can look forward to everyday. Plus, he also needs time to bond with the baby. You can't put that on hold just because he's working on his PhD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

That's not how parenting works. You can't just check out because you have other responsibilities. Everyone has those. It's called being an adult.

+1

My husband finished his doctoral thesis when my daughter was an infant. He also worked full time.

That's called adulting. He's a terrific dad, probably a better parent than I am.

Everyone contributes to take care of a newborn. EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY.

You go without clean clothes, you go without a shower, you without a hot meal. But the baby gets cared for.

[Anonymous]

Gas your DD been checked for food allergies? Crying every nap and even vomiting isn't very normal. I know of a child who was like that till age 3 or so till they diagnosed allergies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's in his last year of his PhD and we have an 8 month old. Our daughter is a HARD baby. We have to constantly hold her and she's late to reach her sitting up milestone. Dh is constantly on the computer doing his PhD work. Why can't he stop for a few hours to give me a break? Our dd is just so difficult to take care of. She cries herself to sleep at every nap. She's also cosleeping with us. I've tried putting her in the crib but she vomits and screams for a long time. She's also starting helmet therapy soon so I don't want to change things up on her yet. We live in a tiny apartment which makes things harder because dh is usually in the same room as us while he's studying. I kind of want to put her in part time daycare in the mornings so I don't go crazy myself. I am so depressed.

Put her in part time daycare in the mornings. That is a great idea! Or hire a babysitter. I agree with the PPs who suggest wearing your baby. How are you putting her down for a nap?

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. This is what I am going through right now. I just need a break like trim my hair and nails and a decent shower. I have aired my grievances. He actually sleeps more than he goes to work and write his paper! Yes, it has come to that point that I audit how and when he spends his time. He actually sleeps more than he goes to work and write his paper! I offered that I move back to my parents so I can go back to work and I can also take care of myself but of course he refused because he would have to do his own laundry, cooking and cleaning. I feel I can do this parenting on my own.

[Anonymous]

Just curious? Do either of you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

Bull. My dh was in residency when our oldest was born. Oldest was a hard baby, too, I was exhausted and needed help. He was working 80-100 hours a week but when he got home he did as much as he could to help. There's no way OPs PhD candidate can't spare 30 minutes here and there to give his wife a break, no effing way. Op, this makes me so mad for you. You need to take breaks. When baby is asleep, say "I'm leaving to the grocery store" and don't worry if the baby will wake up while you're gone. Tell him you want him to wake up with the baby Sunday mornings and take the baby out of the house to give you rest. I don't believe that he is working every single minute he's awake. It doesn't sound like op wants him to do half her work, it sounds like he doesn't do a damn thing! That is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

Please. If he can't help out with his kid a little, he isn't cut out for a PhD. You don't get to shirk all duties and responsibilities because of a PhD. OP - put the baby in daycare for part of the day if you can swing that financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give him a break by doing some his research and write parts of his thesis. While you are doing that he can watch the baby.


Don't like that idea? Then realize that what you guys are doing right now is called specialization. He is focusing on the phd which he has the skills to do and you are focusing on other things which you have the skills to do. That way TOGETHER you take care of school and the baby. Expecting that he does his work plus half of your work is unreasonable. You see 100% of the work includes BOTH the baby and the phd. Sounds like 100% of the work is getting done and both people are in fact contributing.

Bull. My dh was in residency when our oldest was born. Oldest was a hard baby, too, I was exhausted and needed help. He was working 80-100 hours a week but when he got home he did as much as he could to help. There's no way OPs PhD candidate can't spare 30 minutes here and there to give his wife a break, no effing way. Op, this makes me so mad for you. You need to take breaks. When baby is asleep, say "I'm leaving to the grocery store" and don't worry if the baby will wake up while you're gone. Tell him you want him to wake up with the baby Sunday mornings and take the baby out of the house to give you rest. I don't believe that he is working every single minute he's awake. It doesn't sound like op wants him to do half her work, it sounds like he doesn't do a damn thing! That is not okay.

+1

I did the whole PhD thing (hard science at a top school for those of you keeping score) - he can take a hour or so a day to be on baby duty. Beauty of a PhD program is you can largely keep your own hours, especially when working on your dissertation, he can be on duty for naptime + 45min-1 hour and still get his PhD. If he can't, he's pretty much screwed for ever being a functioning adult with a job.