DWs: how did you get back that loving feeling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel like, so often, if the wife's desire isn't there, it's much easier for her to simply ignore or discount the things the husband does. She's not oriented toward him. She doesn't pay attention to him unless he actively intrudes on her attention - say, by trying to have sex with her.

Because she hasn't noticed the other stuff, in her mind, he only ever interacts with her when he's trying to have sex. Because she hasn't noticed the other stuff, he's not doing his share. Etc. But, if she's hot for him, she'll notice everything he does.

(When she ignores him and puts off sex, eventually, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy - he will stop wanting to bother with doing stuff for her benefit.)

I'm not saying that this is the only way the disconnect starts; often enough, I'm sure the guy stops or never did his part.

WOW THIS WAS ME. I did my best to help out, DW is SAHM but with two young DCs at home didn't have time. I was up at night feeding them so she could sleep. first thing in the morning on Saturday I would wash the floors. I would take care of the baby before she woke up, many times making me late for work. She just never noticed, I would try to do more and if she didn't notice and there was still no intimacy I slowly stopped doing the extras and she would say "see I knew you only did it for sex"

It did change eventually

[Anonymous]

I hate massages. My husband's touch creeps me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate massages. My husband's touch creeps me out.

Did I type this without knowing I did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate massages. My husband's touch creeps me out.

Did I type this without knowing I did?

This is a serious question. If your husbands touch creeps you out, how are you still married? You should be emotionally and physically connected to your spouse. I know that they are bad times in a relationship but to use the phrase "creeped out" by his touch is A strong phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOW THIS WAS ME. I did my best to help out, DW is SAHM but with two young DCs at home didn't have time. I was up at night feeding them so she could sleep. first thing in the morning on Saturday I would wash the floors. I would take care of the baby before she woke up, many times making me late for work. She just never noticed, I would try to do more and if she didn't notice and there was still no intimacy I slowly stopped doing the extras and she would say "see I knew you only did it for sex"

It did change eventually

For the 1000th time: choreplay does NOT equal sex !
Of course, you do your fair share. But WTF with you doing all the night feedings? I assume you too have a day job?

If you want/need sex (like a normal person) then you clearly communicate your needs. Be precise (I would like sex ___ times per week). If she is unable/unwilling to meet your needs, ask her why you should care to meet her needs while she ignores yours? If this discussion does not work out to a place where both you and her are partners, equally committed to meeting one another's needs, let her know you consider the marriage to be an amicable roommate situation, not a romantic relationship. Then you STOP doing all the nice things that make her feel special and loved. Instead, you spend that time/energy doing what YOU want to do, without her. Go join a yoga class and have coffee with the ladies afterwards. Whatever you want to do. Treat her like a roommate, go out and have fun.

BTW, "help" feeding the baby is not one of HER needs... its BOTH of your needs... you can SPLIT this chore equally, during the times you aren't working your day job. But you DON'T scrub the floors expecting sex. Understand?

[Anonymous]

You want your wife to desire you. Choreplay is nice but doesn't create desire. Neither does night feedings.

All you can do is get into good shape, get a bit of an edge, let other women create jealousy and see if your wife responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate massages. My husband's touch creeps me out.

Did I type this without knowing I did?

This is a serious question. If your husbands touch creeps you out, how are you still married? You should be emotionally and physically connected to your spouse. I know that they are bad times in a relationship but to use the phrase "creeped out" by his touch is A strong phrase.

I'm creeped out by having my husband touch my vagina. It's like it tickles me. But not creeped out by other types of touch. Has anyone experienced this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, yes! Being thoughtful is very important. It shows that you truly care about the other person. Most people are not thoughtful. My husband will do what I ask him to do but I have to ask him first. No initiative on his part at all. Guess what? My loving feeling towards him is gone.

So what do you do for him without being asked? What initiative do you show in the relationship? What value do you add to his life?

Is it just his job to please you, and you don't have to make any effort in return? How long do you think that's going to last?

[Anonymous]

Hey, if you hate massages or your husbands touch massage won't work. It works for us and I hope perhaps another couple or two might be helped by trying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want your wife to desire you. Choreplay is nice but doesn't create desire. Neither does night feedings.

All you can do is get into good shape, get a bit of an edge, let other women create jealousy and see if your wife responds.

This+1000

Married 24 years and I remember when our kids were very young not wanting anything to do with my husband in the bedroom. He was not happy living with a roommate instead of a wife. He tried begging, helping me out more, small gestures, and then resorted to pouting. None of it worked. Then one day I showed up at his office and noticed he was getting female attention from a very young, pretty girl. He seemed oblivious, but I sure noticed! There were other times he mentioned coworkers that were extra flirty. My husband is fit and handsome. I guess having kids shifted my focus and it was not until I hit 41 that my sex drive kicked into overdrive. Thankfully, my faithful husband was still here and we are enjoying the most amazing sex and trying all kinds of new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I've been in the same situation. I tried helping around the house but she wants it cleaned her way -- go figure. So, I started giving her massages. I take my time, like 20 - 30 minutes or so, and she starts melting. The clothes come off and we're getting it on. I'm like a switch -- she's like a combination lock. There's a way to get to her -- no woman doesn't like a massage. Try it!

I wish my dh understood this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hoping some positive stories will be posted. I'm a DW who has also withdrawn sexually. I've come to the conclusion we are very different sexually. I want sex more frequently. I want it for closeness and he wants it in response to having a boner. I'm not convinced he's even that attracted to me. He needs medication to finish with me. He's cheated on me and deep down I distrust him. I have a lot of resentment. I'm hoping time will heal. I'm trying to just be as nice to him as possible and remain hopeful decent sex will happen in the future. The sad thing I don't think it will. I think we will be co-parents.

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW THIS WAS ME. I did my best to help out, DW is SAHM but with two young DCs at home didn't have time. I was up at night feeding them so she could sleep. first thing in the morning on Saturday I would wash the floors. I would take care of the baby before she woke up, many times making me late for work. She just never noticed, I would try to do more and if she didn't notice and there was still no intimacy I slowly stopped doing the extras and she would say "see I knew you only did it for sex"

It did change eventually

For the 1000th time: choreplay does NOT equal sex !
Of course, you do your fair share. But WTF with you doing all the night feedings? I assume you too have a day job?

If you want/need sex (like a normal person) then you clearly communicate your needs. Be precise (I would like sex ___ times per week). If she is unable/unwilling to meet your needs, ask her why you should care to meet her needs while she ignores yours? If this discussion does not work out to a place where both you and her are partners, equally committed to meeting one another's needs, let her know you consider the marriage to be an amicable roommate situation, not a romantic relationship. Then you STOP doing all the nice things that make her feel special and loved. Instead, you spend that time/energy doing what YOU want to do, without her. Go join a yoga class and have coffee with the ladies afterwards. Whatever you want to do. Treat her like a roommate, go out and have fun.

BTW, "help" feeding the baby is not one of HER needs... its BOTH of your needs... you can SPLIT this chore equally, during the times you aren't working your day job. But you DON'T scrub the floors expecting sex. Understand?

These were her ideas because she would be tired and need help so she could rest and feel like having sex. Later she said she didn't want sex or see me naked, let alone even touch me. If I gave her a massage and happen to get aroused touching her she would get upset. Finally I did what you mentioned. I told her we are just room mates. Sex started to happen maybe once a month. After several years of that and numerous conversations, that always lead to arguments on her part, I told her I was done and leaving. She was furious think I would leave because of sex but the next day she decided to change.
For the other poster I have good genes I guess, 6 pack, low body fat, over 6 feet and have all the hair on my head and none on my back. Other women noticed me, when she saw one of my friends flirting with me at a party she became extremely upset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW THIS WAS ME. I did my best to help out, DW is SAHM but with two young DCs at home didn't have time. I was up at night feeding them so she could sleep. first thing in the morning on Saturday I would wash the floors. I would take care of the baby before she woke up, many times making me late for work. She just never noticed, I would try to do more and if she didn't notice and there was still no intimacy I slowly stopped doing the extras and she would say "see I knew you only did it for sex"

It did change eventually

For the 1000th time: choreplay does NOT equal sex !
Of course, you do your fair share. But WTF with you doing all the night feedings? I assume you too have a day job?

If you want/need sex (like a normal person) then you clearly communicate your needs. Be precise (I would like sex ___ times per week). If she is unable/unwilling to meet your needs, ask her why you should care to meet her needs while she ignores yours? If this discussion does not work out to a place where both you and her are partners, equally committed to meeting one another's needs, let her know you consider the marriage to be an amicable roommate situation, not a romantic relationship. Then you STOP doing all the nice things that make her feel special and loved. Instead, you spend that time/energy doing what YOU want to do, without her. Go join a yoga class and have coffee with the ladies afterwards. Whatever you want to do. Treat her like a roommate, go out and have fun.

BTW, "help" feeding the baby is not one of HER needs... its BOTH of your needs... you can SPLIT this chore equally, during the times you aren't working your day job. But you DON'T scrub the floors expecting sex. Understand?

These were her ideas because she would be tired and need help so she could rest and feel like having sex. Later she said she didn't want sex or see me naked, let alone even touch me. If I gave her a massage and happen to get aroused touching her she would get upset. Finally I did what you mentioned. I told her we are just room mates. Sex started to happen maybe once a month. After several years of that and numerous conversations, that always lead to arguments on her part, I told her I was done and leaving. She was furious think I would leave because of sex but the next day she decided to change.
For the other poster I have good genes I guess, 6 pack, low body fat, over 6 feet and have all the hair on my head and none on my back. Other women noticed me, when she saw one of my friends flirting with me at a party she became extremely upset

Ah the old "I don't want you but no one else can have you" gambit.

DON'T have an affair. Then she gets to become St. Cheated-Upon and be exempt from any responsibility for her actions ever.

I'd get a PI and see if she's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

This sounds similar to my situation. Married 5yrs have a 3 and 2 year old. Kids are only 15 months apart, we didn't have sex for over a yr after I found out I was pregnant with my second and my first was still an infant. I was exhausted, staying at home with the kids, feeling alone and isolated and felt like my DH never really listened or cared. Last yr for Christmas he surprised me with a trip to Grand Cayman he is not the surprise or grand gesture type at all, so I was completely shocked. He planned the entire thing booked the hotel, the flights, made sure our passports were up to date, made dinner reservations etc. the trip was incredible. We stayed at the Ritz, when to expensive restaurants, let me order all the expensive wine and get massages and facials and just relax. Honestly though he could of taken me anywhere. It was the fact that he planned the entire trip himself that made me get that lovin feeling back. I didn't have to lift a finger and Im usually the one who plans all trips and family activities too. It turns out he was actually listening when I was saying can I just get away for a few days and be free and relax and he realized how much I just needed a break from being just mom in the suburbs watching Mickey Mouse and driving to the Starbucks drive through as my weekly highlight. It was nice to feel like I was a woman who deserved to be pampered. We only went for 4 days but it really changed everything.