DWs: how did you get back that loving feeling?

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her? I tell my husband what I want but he doesn't listen. He's expecting to hear that I want sexy talk or something like that and I really just want him to pick up after himself. So ask, and listen to the answer.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the libido spike thread got me thinking. Things were initially pretty steamy. Although, we had a surprise pregnancy early in our courtship. It's been pretty tame ever since. Between waiting 15 years for pre-menopause or letting her flirt/dabble elsewhere, that's an easy choice.

[Anonymous]

All the "if only he'd do...." seems like bull$h!t. It was never a problem when tearing into each other.

[Anonymous]

Appreciation, compliments, thoughtfulness, flirtation, date night, going to bed at the same time, sex toys....

[Anonymous]

Little tiny thoughtful gestures. So tiny, I'm having a hard time thinking of examples, but it made me feel he was always thinking about me - and not in a sexual way. Like making lunches for a week when I was busy at work. Handling bath time a couple of nights a week so I can work out. Buying stuff he thinks I might like when he goes to CVS. Taking my clothes to the dry cleaners. Putting a load of laundry in the wash and making coffee before I wake up. Bought the parts, did the research and fixed the toilet when I said I was going to call a plumber. Short email today to tell me he forgot to mention he liked my hair.

Makes me want to do thoughtful things for him, we feel closer ... boom.

[Anonymous]

DW here. You say you have been married 5 years and have 2 little ones. For me, and many of my friends, that was the most difficult time of marriage. When you have more than one kid and they are both under 5 (and I bet for you, if you've only been married 5 years, they are both 3 and under), it is a lot of work. The kids have different nap schedules, they have different needs as at that age, they are very developmentally different. On top of that, I had a husband who expected everything to be the same. I remember seriously thinking about divorce as we just were not on the same page. It was easier when he was out of town on a business trip. However, I fortunately had good friends to talk to and I found out that what I was going through was quite common and if we could make it to the other end, we would be good. Well, the kids are now 11 & 12 and life is great! While I am that much older, I have a lot more energy as the kids don't need me like they did when they were young. Well, they need me, but in a different way - it is not so draining. I now have energy for my husband and it is all good. That said, we never stopped having relations. I made it a point to do it at least 1x a week (or more if I had a good week) as, while I considered divorce I was not convinced that was the direction I wanted to go. I knew that if I rejected him too consistently he might be the one considering divorce.

Anyway, your kids are young - if you want a date night, you hire a babysitter and go out on a date. Don't say you want a date and then ask her to make all of the arrangements. That also used to make me crazy! If you want it, take the initiative.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. You say you have been married 5 years and have 2 little ones. For me, and many of my friends, that was the most difficult time of marriage. When you have more than one kid and they are both under 5 (and I bet for you, if you've only been married 5 years, they are both 3 and under), it is a lot of work. The kids have different nap schedules, they have different needs as at that age, they are very developmentally different. On top of that, I had a husband who expected everything to be the same. I remember seriously thinking about divorce as we just were not on the same page. It was easier when he was out of town on a business trip. However, I fortunately had good friends to talk to and I found out that what I was going through was quite common and if we could make it to the other end, we would be good. Well, the kids are now 11 & 12 and life is great! While I am that much older, I have a lot more energy as the kids don't need me like they did when they were young. Well, they need me, but in a different way - it is not so draining. I now have energy for my husband and it is all good. That said, we never stopped having relations. I made it a point to do it at least 1x a week (or more if I had a good week) as, while I considered divorce I was not convinced that was the direction I wanted to go. I knew that if I rejected him too consistently he might be the one considering divorce.

Anyway, your kids are young - if you want a date night, you hire a babysitter and go out on a date. Don't say you want a date and then ask her to make all of the arrangements. That also used to make me crazy! If you want it, take the initiative.

Good luck.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Little tiny thoughtful gestures. So tiny, I'm having a hard time thinking of examples, but it made me feel he was always thinking about me - and not in a sexual way. Like making lunches for a week when I was busy at work. Handling bath time a couple of nights a week so I can work out. Buying stuff he thinks I might like when he goes to CVS. Taking my clothes to the dry cleaners. Putting a load of laundry in the wash and making coffee before I wake up. Bought the parts, did the research and fixed the toilet when I said I was going to call a plumber. Short email today to tell me he forgot to mention he liked my hair.

Makes me want to do thoughtful things for him, we feel closer ... boom.

Yes, yes! Being thoughtful is very important. It shows that you truly care about the other person. Most people are not thoughtful. My husband will do what I ask him to do but I have to ask him first. No initiative on his part at all. Guess what? My loving feeling towards him is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Little tiny thoughtful gestures. So tiny, I'm having a hard time thinking of examples, but it made me feel he was always thinking about me - and not in a sexual way. Like making lunches for a week when I was busy at work. Handling bath time a couple of nights a week so I can work out. Buying stuff he thinks I might like when he goes to CVS. Taking my clothes to the dry cleaners. Putting a load of laundry in the wash and making coffee before I wake up. Bought the parts, did the research and fixed the toilet when I said I was going to call a plumber. Short email today to tell me he forgot to mention he liked my hair.

Makes me want to do thoughtful things for him, we feel closer ... boom.

Amen. Just feeling like i matter. *Me*. Not the fantasy woman in his head, but the actual person he married. I want to feel seen and loved just as I am. What kills it: When everything's not good enough and he seems to think I'm not living up to standards (that he's the one who cares about) and that what he really wanted was a marriage to someone 180 degrees from who I am and everything he sees are my faults

[Anonymous]

I just feel like, so often, if the wife's desire isn't there, it's much easier for her to simply ignore or discount the things the husband does. She's not oriented toward him. She doesn't pay attention to him unless he actively intrudes on her attention - say, by trying to have sex with her.

Because she hasn't noticed the other stuff, in her mind, he only ever interacts with her when he's trying to have sex. Because she hasn't noticed the other stuff, he's not doing his share. Etc. But, if she's hot for him, she'll notice everything he does.

(When she ignores him and puts off sex, eventually, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy - he will stop wanting to bother with doing stuff for her benefit.)

I'm not saying that this is the only way the disconnect starts; often enough, I'm sure the guy stops or never did his part.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, there's certainly a two-way relationship. Men really don't want to be negligent pigs. We're happy to do more than our fair share. There are few things more fulfilling than wowing DW.
Stop ripping us to shreds every time a dish isn't perfectly clean or the colors get mixed in the wash and we'll be a LOT more active with the chores. It's a negative feedback loop.
Nag and complain because things aren't to your liking and that will kill all initiative.
Of course, the same goes for men, complaining about lack of sex won't set the mood.

[Anonymous]

That massage thing sounds like it'd be the answer to my problems. DH is SO not into giving massages. And when he does give me a back rub when I'm in pain, I can feel his complete reluctance so it doesn't work at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, there's certainly a two-way relationship. Men really don't want to be negligent pigs. We're happy to do more than our fair share. There are few things more fulfilling than wowing DW.
Stop ripping us to shreds every time a dish isn't perfectly clean or the colors get mixed in the wash and we'll be a LOT more active with the chores. It's a negative feedback loop.
Nag and complain because things aren't to your liking and that will kill all initiative.
Of course, the same goes for men, complaining about lack of sex won't set the mood.

I get it, I really do and I am trying to change and pick my battles and not control things. But when DH does things like ruin my clothes (which I can't afford to replace) in the wash, or sabotage my efforts to get baby to sleep by doing some super loud chore when I'm putting her down, or wonder why the baby is crabby when she's been sitting in a poopy diaper for 20 minutes because there's no way he could figure that out himself, I have to wonder WTF happened to his brain. If he doesn't display basic competency around the house, how can I do anything but get frustrated?

[Anonymous]

I am one of the poster's whose wife, suddenly, had a big spike in libido. I was once one of those men on these boards losing my mind over the libido gap. Couple of thoughts here:

1) HUGE red flag OP, that your wife has a libido, just not for you. Most women, with small children, lose their libidos for everyone. Sure, they can get stirred up a bit for someone novel, but the common chorus is they want to be left alone at the end of the day.

2) Your kids are young, your situation is normal, few men are getting much sex when toddlers are around. But see #1.

3) I think its generally good advice to be helpful around the house and attentive so that eliminates one possibility, resentment. That isn't your problem, so try the other route, be less available, less attentive, more of a prick and stoke her jealousy. That worked for me, somewhat. But not as much as the fact my wife has a new, handsome male friend and she is jumping my bones at an alarming frequency. I will take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Little tiny thoughtful gestures. So tiny, I'm having a hard time thinking of examples, but it made me feel he was always thinking about me - and not in a sexual way. Like making lunches for a week when I was busy at work. Handling bath time a couple of nights a week so I can work out. Buying stuff he thinks I might like when he goes to CVS. Taking my clothes to the dry cleaners. Putting a load of laundry in the wash and making coffee before I wake up. Bought the parts, did the research and fixed the toilet when I said I was going to call a plumber. Short email today to tell me he forgot to mention he liked my hair.

Makes me want to do thoughtful things for him, we feel closer ... boom.

Yes, yes! Being thoughtful is very important. It shows that you truly care about the other person. Most people are not thoughtful. My husband will do what I ask him to do but I have to ask him first. No initiative on his part at all. Guess what? My loving feeling towards him is gone.

So where do you go from here?Will you cheat? Will you work to rediscover him?