Reply to Did anyone ever marry you/others felt was not an intellectual equal? How did it turn out?

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[quote=Anonymous]As a young woman, I was more judgey about this phenomenon.  Especially men who dated or married dumb, beautiful women.  It seemed the height of shallowness.  And in fairness to my younger, judgier self, it sometimes is just that.  Shallow men go for looks, shallow women go for status.

And indeed, I am happily married to someone who challenges me intellectually, and vice versa.

I guess I have come to realize that intellect is not the most important element of a relationship - not mine, anyway.  (And, um, even younger, judgier me knew that intellect was not the same thing as an Ivy League pedigree; in my line of work, I'm beginning to think the opposite is true.)  Kindness, empathy, and shared values are more important qualities.  And compatibility may be based on common interests unrelated to one's intellectual pursuits.  For some people, it is their only passion, and they can't be with someone who doesn't share or at least appreciate it.  Me, not so much.  I enjoy Proust as much as the next guy but I don't need my husband to be able to have an intelligent discussion with me about Lost Time.  Which is good, because DH is more likely to have granular opinions about Yemeni politics, about which I couldn't care less.   It turns out that our intellectual pursuits just aren't the centerpiece of our relationship.  Nor do I know any long-married couples with kids for whom "intellectual pursuits" are front and center.  I like that we can have intelligent conversations about our respective work but those conversations are mostly about our interest in each other, not about intellectual exploration.

I have a friend, a 40-something single guy, who is just about the smartest person I have ever met in some ways.  And successful, I think.  although he changes careers with the speed some people change coats, he's done financially quite well at every one!  He rejects every internet date he's ever been on as not his intellectual equal, and I can't help thinking he's going to be holding out forever if he's holding out for someone his "equal".   I used to admire that about his search for his soulmate, but now . . . .  I dunno, it's not that I think he should lower his standards; I just suspect he should re-examine them.  I don't think he should marry a Melania Trump, but his single-minded focus on intellect seems like a mistake.  He seems to think he meets plenty of nice, kind, attractive women, but no one with whom he can hold a conversation.  I think it is just easier to fake "nice" and "kind" for a couple of dates than it is to fake an interest in the ethics of artificial intelligence (or whatever his subject du jour was).  [/quote]

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