Bar/bat mitzvah t-shirts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC never got invited to a single bar or bat mitzvah in middle school. Can parents please consider only providing these shirts as party favours on the condition that all kids from the child's grade level are invited? Try to imagine how kids feel to see these shirts week after week.

A couple of thoughts:

1) inviting all the kids from a grade level only works in some smaller schools. For DD's Bat Mitzvah, this would have meant inviting 600 kids. Given our venue could only hold 150 people, and our budget could only handle about 100 people, that was not going to happen. The cost to invite the entire grade would be about $30,000; I do not have that kind of money.

2) we did not do clothing party favors. I do not have that kind of money.

3) you can not control what people wear to school.

But no one is suggesting you have to invite the whole grade - just not offer a favor that would highlight the exclusion of some people if you are not inviting the whole class. You cannot control the choices others make, but no one can wear your kid's bar or bat mitzvah t-shirt to school the next day if you didn't offer one ....

[Anonymous]

Sadly, the honorees get social credit from having the most popular kids advertise their association with him or her. I'd like to see my school institute dress for success Mondays as a way of circumventing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, the honorees get social credit from having the most popular kids advertise their association with him or her. I'd like to see my school institute dress for success Mondays as a way of circumventing this.

Ugh. Another reason we as adults and parents should discourage this practice.

[Anonymous]

We did it (sweatshirts) but we also invited every single person in the class. I am very sensitive to kids and adults who feel left out and I'm not sure whether I would have even thought about this as an issue if we had not invited the whole class. It's good to think about. However, in this time we are living in - with constant social media posts about various events - we are all in the same boat as not being invited to every single party or event. Whether or not someone is wearing a t-shirt the next day isn't the only issue and we are all going to have to learn with not being on the guest list for every party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My three oldest kids were invited to many, many bar/bat mitzvahs during middle school (anywhere from 15-25 each), so we have had numerous tshirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants to commemorate these events. It is the practice to wear these items on the next school day . . . the kids even get angsty about deciding which one to wear if they attended more than one party on the same weekend. Having said that - I completely understand the OP's view and agree that this is a potentially hurtful practice. I often asked my kids to consider how other kids not invited to the party must feel on that school day when so many are wearing the same thing. It is exclusive and mean in practice, even though I'm sure that is not the intent. OP is not saying her kid is a "special snowflake" who needs his or her feelings protected due to a single incident. At some middle schools, like the ones my kids attended, these parties are practically every single weekend for the entire school year. A child who does not attend any and is faced with the same reminders not only on social media all weekend but then again at school on Monday must feel terrible. I'm shocked at all the adults on this board who lack enough empathy to feel bad for a child, let alone that child's parent. How hard is it to imagine your child or yourself in OP's position? OP, FWIW, I agree with you.

+1 well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard. I recommend favors that include water bottles, blankets, those little bag sacks or anything else that isn't so horribly obvious. Yes, kids should deal but it's really hard when you are 13.....

I recommend no party favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At my niece and nephew's affluent suburban NJ middle school in NJ about 5 years ago, this phenomenon really went beyond all reason. Hoodies, jackets, sweatpants, really high end with embroidery etc.
It was really out of hand, so the school instituted a policy so kids would not wear the items to school.
Parents started switching to personalized blankets for each guests.
So crazy.

Let me guess: BJ in Livingston.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did it (sweatshirts) but we also invited every single person in the class. I am very sensitive to kids and adults who feel left out and I'm not sure whether I would have even thought about this as an issue if we had not invited the whole class. It's good to think about. However, in this time we are living in - with constant social media posts about various events - we are all in the same boat as not being invited to every single party or event. Whether or not someone is wearing a t-shirt the next day isn't the only issue and we are all going to have to learn with not being on the guest list for every party.

I don't disagree with you that children (and adults) do need accept that sometimes not everyone is included. However, I have posted a couple of times on this thread making a different point. Yes social media makes it much clearer when there was an event and you were not included, but it has been a good manners and ettiquette expectation from before social media or frankly even personalized t-shirts and gear were a thing that one doesn't flaunt an invitation in the face of those who were not invited. And we as adults should all be thinking of ways to teach our children that - for the sake of good manners and for the sake of kindness. My guess is the kids who were not included already know. And many have been excluded from other events and are already feeling bad. But I am blown away by the parents on this thread suggesting they need to learn to deal - the fact that these children have to learn to manage their feelings is not mutually exclusive from ALL of us teaching our children to be kind, considerate and thoughtful of others feelings. And frankly to have good manners because that is what this comes down to.

I definitely wonder how many of the parents lacking empathy on this thread are the same ones who on the ubiquitous threads about thank you notes are the first to judge those who lack the "class" or "manners" to send thank you notes. Good manners require kindness, graciousness, and thoughtfulness. It's not form over substance.

[Anonymous]

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with OP. I am a school counselor. I wish schools could enforce a policy where you can't where the shirts, at least the next day. No need to invite everyone, but also teach kids some sensitivity surrounding this area. Kids do need to learn resiliency and to deal with disappointment, but believe me, they know they weren't invited. It just seems unnecessary to face thirty five kids wearing the shirt the next day. Parents can choose whatever favor they want, but it's also an opportunity to have a discussion about kindness and sensitivity.

+1.My daughter was invited to many of these events, and she and many others in her class chose not to wear them to school so not to rub people's nose in the fact they weren't invited. Courtesy, kindness and tbougtfulness towards others is as important as "resilency" IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it (sweatshirts) but we also invited every single person in the class. I am very sensitive to kids and adults who feel left out and I'm not sure whether I would have even thought about this as an issue if we had not invited the whole class. It's good to think about. However, in this time we are living in - with constant social media posts about various events - we are all in the same boat as not being invited to every single party or event. Whether or not someone is wearing a t-shirt the next day isn't the only issue and we are all going to have to learn with not being on the guest list for every party.

I don't disagree with you that children (and adults) do need accept that sometimes not everyone is included. However, I have posted a couple of times on this thread making a different point. Yes social media makes it much clearer when there was an event and you were not included, but it has been a good manners and ettiquette expectation from before social media or frankly even personalized t-shirts and gear were a thing that one doesn't flaunt an invitation in the face of those who were not invited. And we as adults should all be thinking of ways to teach our children that - for the sake of good manners and for the sake of kindness. My guess is the kids who were not included already know. And many have been excluded from other events and are already feeling bad. But I am blown away by the parents on this thread suggesting they need to learn to deal - the fact that these children have to learn to manage their feelings is not mutually exclusive from ALL of us teaching our children to be kind, considerate and thoughtful of others feelings. And frankly to have good manners because that is what this comes down to.

I definitely wonder how many of the parents lacking empathy on this thread are the same ones who on the ubiquitous threads about thank you notes are the first to judge those who lack the "class" or "manners" to send thank you notes. Good manners require kindness, graciousness, and thoughtfulness. It's not form over substance.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm throwing a bar mitzvah and I made sure the party favor was not a tshirt.

Not the OP, but I have to say you sound like a very kind person. Congratulations on your son's upcoming bar mitzvah!

Thank you. We did something that went with his theme so a tshirt was pretty easy NOT to do.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My "snowflake" dealt with it very well, thank you very much. He simply stated it was hurtful to see these week after week on so many kids.

It's encouraging to hear from so many thoughtful parents on this thread that not everybody engages in this practice (and to me it sounds quite tacky). I'm frankly surprised that schools allow this. In elementary school the practice is always you either invite or give a valentine to everyone in the class or you do it outside of school privately. I always thought this was partly to teach a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My "snowflake" dealt with it very well, thank you very much. He simply stated it was hurtful to see these week after week on so many kids.

It's encouraging to hear from so many thoughtful parents on this thread that not everybody engages in this practice (and to me it sounds quite tacky). I'm frankly surprised that schools allow this. In elementary school the practice is always you either invite or give a valentine to everyone in the class or you do it outside of school privately. I always thought this was partly to teach a life lesson.

Many Jewish day schools in this area say that invites can't be passed out at school if the entire class isn't invited.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree completely with you - I am in the midst of planning my son's bar mitzvah and very early on I told him no t-shirts or sweatshirts as favors - at the time he asked me why (this was in sixth grade and he hadn't seen the plethora of students wearing them yet) and as soon as I explained it could make some people feel left out, he immediately agreed and said he'd never want to make anyone feel that way.

Btw people, OP never said you should invite the whole grade - just don't rub everyone'e noses in a party to which they weren't invited but a large amount of peers were.