Relationships between grandparents and SN kids- quick poll

[Anonymous]

My parents didnt even want my special needs son coming to their house. "He might make a mess". When we went to visit them they wanted our typical kid to stay with them and me and SN kid in a hotel 5 miles away. Because I was so used to mother's abuse it didn't dawn on me until much later how awful that was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didnt even want my special needs son coming to their house. "He might make a mess". When we went to visit them they wanted our typical kid to stay with them and me and SN kid in a hotel 5 miles away. Because I was so used to mother's abuse it didn't dawn on me until much later how awful that was.

Not a chance I'd agree to that for many reasons.

[Anonymous]

There are many kids in my social circle with mild SN and overall their grandparents don't ask about their condition or therapies. I think it is largely a case of unfamiliarity with certain SN and not being able to offer meaningful feedback. Then, there are some GP in pure denial that a problem exists. My mom was a teacher and will actively ask me about my kids' ADHD, but my dad doesn't. I know he loves them though and will ask about how they are doing in school generally. He was very engaged in legal battles with my severely LD brother's school and I think my kids seem (and in fact are) easily managed in comparison. In contrast, my dad has been great with their illnesses and sports injuries. He's just engaging where he is comfortable.

[Anonymous]

This is a depressing thread. My parents are very supportive. They don't always "get it," but they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didnt even want my special needs son coming to their house. "He might make a mess". When we went to visit them they wanted our typical kid to stay with them and me and SN kid in a hotel 5 miles away. Because I was so used to mother's abuse it didn't dawn on me until much later how awful that was.

Holy crap - yes, this is wrong and hateful.
How exactly are you going to explain this to your 'favored son?'
You cannot allow this stuff to happen

[Anonymous]

There are people who don't want imperfection in their world. Many upper middle class families (and I'm generalizing) also believe, and have been brought up to believe and are constantly imparting a message to their own children that consists in so many words of constant striving and competition, and "Life is what you make it...strive for your goals and you will meet them...you can overcome all obstacles." The disabled/special needs child presents a conundrum and paradigm because this child doesn't fit the paradigm. The disability can't be strived away (it's lifelong) and the special needs child fails as some sort of "inspiration porn" for the NT child. Unless the special needs child can be forced into the role of some sort of family mascot, there is no role for the special needs child. He/she has to be pushed out cognitively.

Note also the pressure on the parents, who are constantly given the message (despite total lack of actual evidence) that their marriage is bound to fail due to the special needs child, and that it's not fair to the siblings that the special needs child gets so much attention.

[Anonymous]

It was sad to me when I realized my parents wouldn't have that a special grandparent relationship with my child. My friends' parents think their grandchildren walk on water, and I crave that special kind of radical acceptance/love for my child (I remember receiving it from my own grandparents). But my child just annoys them too much. I actually remember my own grandparents being "different" (more critical etc) towards my adhd cousin than to me and my siblings though at the time I attributed it the strained relationship they had with my aunt.

Otherwise they are supportive I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are people who don't want imperfection in their world. Many upper middle class families (and I'm generalizing) also believe, and have been brought up to believe and are constantly imparting a message to their own children that consists in so many words of constant striving and competition, and "Life is what you make it...strive for your goals and you will meet them...you can overcome all obstacles." The disabled/special needs child presents a conundrum and paradigm because this child doesn't fit the paradigm. The disability can't be strived away (it's lifelong) and the special needs child fails as some sort of "inspiration porn" for the NT child. Unless the special needs child can be forced into the role of some sort of family mascot, there is no role for the special needs child. He/she has to be pushed out cognitively.

Note also the pressure on the parents, who are constantly given the message (despite total lack of actual evidence) that their marriage is bound to fail due to the special needs child, and that it's not fair to the siblings that the special needs child gets so much attention.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Children with special needs are difficult under a lot of circumstances. In some communities there is a lot more stigma culturally (often Asian). Otherwise, lack of education often leads to lack of understanding. I've found that it's families with a combination of means and education and a certain faith (often Jewish, also Catholic) that are most positive and supportive of their family members with needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are people who don't want imperfection in their world. Many upper middle class families (and I'm generalizing) also believe, and have been brought up to believe and are constantly imparting a message to their own children that consists in so many words of constant striving and competition, and "Life is what you make it...strive for your goals and you will meet them...you can overcome all obstacles." The disabled/special needs child presents a conundrum and paradigm because this child doesn't fit the paradigm. The disability can't be strived away (it's lifelong) and the special needs child fails as some sort of "inspiration porn" for the NT child. Unless the special needs child can be forced into the role of some sort of family mascot, there is no role for the special needs child. He/she has to be pushed out cognitively.

Note also the pressure on the parents, who are constantly given the message (despite total lack of actual evidence) that their marriage is bound to fail due to the special needs child, and that it's not fair to the siblings that the special needs child gets so much attention.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Children with special needs are difficult under a lot of circumstances. In some communities there is a lot more stigma culturally (often Asian). Otherwise, lack of education often leads to lack of understanding. I've found that it's families with a combination of means and education and a certain faith (often Jewish, also Catholic) that are most positive and supportive of their family members with needs.

+1

AS is hitting the Korean-American community hard and the parents I see struggle the most are the children of immigrants themselves. Their elderly parents don't have a context for this back in South Korea. They are trying to help their kids and honor their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didnt even want my special needs son coming to their house. "He might make a mess". When we went to visit them they wanted our typical kid to stay with them and me and SN kid in a hotel 5 miles away. Because I was so used to mother's abuse it didn't dawn on me until much later how awful that was.

Oh my god.

[Anonymous]

Both parents (divorced) live 5 min away and offer nothing in the way of emotional or physical support. I mean even an invite to dinner would be appreciated. If my child had cancer, they would be jumping through hoops to help. Instead, they minimize or blame.

[Anonymous]

Some of these stories remind me that friends are the family we choose. The less you have family support, the more you need a network of friends - preferably families who understand special needs.

[Anonymous]

np: Has anyone made progress with getting their parents to be more supportive? I could really use some tips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np: Has anyone made progress with getting their parents to be more supportive? I could really use some tips.

Probably a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np: Has anyone made progress with getting their parents to be more supportive? I could really use some tips.

Heart to heart conversation. Tell them what you mean by supportive - do you want them to ask about DC's progress, spend time with them, be more patient in x, y or z situation. See what happens - but know that it might not change and it may not have anything to do with your child's SN.

I truly expected my mom to be a great grandmother - chatting and delighting in her grandkids, giving time and unconditional love - but she just isn't. She has 3 grandkids (I have 2, one has some SN; and my sister's child who lives 20 minutes from her).

She tells me I"m a great mom, visits a couple times a year and sends gifts at holidays and birthdays and applauds achievements. I know she loves them but she just isn't very involved and definitely hands on grandparent.

My dad (her husband) died at same time as my older kid was born and she is enjoying her freedom and independence -- something she didn't get because she married at 21. It's like she's having her 20's now.

Once I changed and lowered my expectations there was less resentment and conflict over this.