Relationships between grandparents and SN kids- quick poll

[Anonymous]

This is mostly a vent. I'm with my parents now. One SN kid who can be difficult (but also lovely sometimes) and one NT who is decidedly an easy kid. SN kid is 10. My parents don't talk/ask questions about her differences/disabilities/therapies at all. Like never. I've mentioned it now and then. When I recently asked why they never talk to us/check in with us- my mom's answer was that we should tell her when something changes. WTH? Does she not understand that much of this is a permanent issue? Either it never changes or the changes take place over such s long time as to not be noticeable.

I know grandparents run the gamut, but how many of you have supportive and involved family members and how many of you don't?

[Anonymous]

I gotta be honest, OP, I don't know what you want from them either. You say it's permanent. So what do you want them to ask you?

My in-laws are GREAT with 3 yr old DD, who doesn't talk. They asked for a list of the top signs she uses so they could learn them so they know what she means. They live across the country and we see them every month or two, and they always ask if they should do anything differently with her.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in denial. For the longest time they kept insisting it was my issue - if you take him to another doctor, someone is going to find a problem! Ignoring the delays, etc. now my mom gets frustrated with how angry and frustrated I get - my sons major issues at home are behavior and wild impulsivity - I am so anxious and on edge all the time around him. I have decided it's better for us just not to talk about it. I love her, she loves me and my son, and she wants everything to be okay, so in her mind, it is. I want more support and I need to find it in a more accommodating place.

[Anonymous]

Not very supportive. My mom is very uncomfortable with it and constantly compares to other kids. My kid loves her dearly but we've pulled back because of it.

[Anonymous]

I don't disclose and don't discuss. Parents are too far removed from child-rearing to notice much. I don't want to spend all my time answering questions because we don't have answers. Their job is to say nice things and give hugs. We mostly get that. We do not get help of any sort.

[Anonymous]

As long as they engage with the children equally, and don't favor one over the other -- you're doing really well IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't disclose and don't discuss. Parents are too far removed from child-rearing to notice much. I don't want to spend all my time answering questions because we don't have answers. Their job is to say nice things and give hugs. We mostly get that. We do not get help of any sort.

That's a shame to have such a superficial relationship with them. My grandparents were far more involved in my life as are my children's grandparents. I think it's very enriching for both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as they engage with the children equally, and don't favor one over the other -- you're doing really well IMO.

OP here,
That's mostly it. They prefer my NT kid and have very little patience for my SN kid. Early on, there was definitely a you are parenting incorrectly edge, but that disappeared when we had the second.

[Anonymous]

Mine is a teenager, is one of four, and my parents still think we're just too lenient with this kid. Ah well. Otherwise they're great grandparents. Mostly I just tell them all the good stuff going on with the SN kid, and omit the problems. They see the best in her, and it helps their relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't get support from grandparents either. They live far and even in phone conversations, they just don't get it. I always hear crap like: "Boys are just naturally more _____ (fill in the blank with slow to talk, difficult to manage, willful, etc...).

When I remind them that DS has ASD, they always reply with: "But you don't know if his issues are because of ASD."

So... I have mostly stopped sharing.

[Anonymous]

My parents really love my son, and appreciate his good traits a LOT and often express sentiments that if he just had the right teachers, or whatever, he wouldn't have any problems at all. But then they get really frustrated with his challenging behavior. Sometimes they say things like "What's wrong with him?" or "I'm worried that he will be ostracized because of X" and I end up letting loose with them about the amount of $$ and time I've spent: (1) figure out "what is wrong with him"; (2) trying to figure out the best therapies and medications to deal with it; and (3) figure out how he will not be ostracized because of not only X, but also Y, Z, and A through L.
They don't really engage on the level of what his therapies are, or if there are specific techniques they should use. One time my mom did pick up a book I had lying around the house, because she was bored, and then said it gave her a lot of really good insight into him.
I mostly am just happy that he has a relationship with his grandparents and that they can get along and engage on the things that are interesting to him when he is in place where he is able to engage on those things.

I think you're sort of expecting a lot from your parents here. If you just need someone to listen I think you need to say something like "Mom, I just really need to vent about the problems I'm having with the school and his IEP. I know that you're not an ----- expert and I'm not looking for advice, but I really need a shoulder to cry on about this!"

[Anonymous]

My kid has only one living grandparent, (my mom) and she has only one grandchild. They adore each other. She has been a huge support for him, for example she learned how to use a feeding tube and an apnea monitor and do chest PT so she could babysit. She has been willing to do emergency school pick ups and such whenever possible.

I consider myself very lucky.

[Anonymous]

My parents are amazingly supportive. My SN kid has a learning disability, language issues and ADHD. My parents have helped pay for private school, assessments and therapies and listen to the never ending legal battles with school. They are far more helpful than bioDad. One grandparent even attends IEPs since I am a divorced mom and dad doesn't participate in school.

Of course, they learned to be supportive the hard way when they lost a relationship with their own LD DC due to perceived lack of assistance/support to their own DC (my sibling). That story has many perspectives in terms of "fault," Their support to their grandchild now is probably due to a kind of desire to go back and do right what they were unable to do right the first time (for reasons that aren't entirely their own fault).

If your parents aren't supportive, try not to be too hard on them. We can only do what we know how to do. Many people don't understand disabilities, don't have the strength to cope and/or were raised in a culture and time when these things weren't spoken of. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Instead of anger, look for your support wherever you CAN find it.

[Anonymous]

The Grandparents are like Fairy Godparents. They arrange train trips for DC on Amtrak (more fun than driving), music lessons when DC is visiting, they take DC out to restaurants to practice social skills. My only complaint is I wish they'd make DC eat more salad and fewer doughnuts. They are a blessing. They never spoiled me rotten, but they sure do step up for the grandkids - NTs and SN.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I find it really annoying when my mom asks a lot of questions about DS's doctors and therapies. I know this is mean to say but the questions she asks are usually stupid and make me more anxious. She is nice to DS most of the time (we all get frustrated with some of his behavior) and makes an effort to play with him and buy him toys that she thinks he will like. That's what I view her correct role as.