Relationships between grandparents and SN kids- quick poll

[Anonymous]

For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

[Anonymous]

A bit of a mixed bag here. My mother--with whom I have a mostly torturous relationship--is great in terms of treating the kids equally....which ironically can lead to problems when she doesn't adjust for the different kinds of supports my SN DS may need (for example, giving him time to chill out, avoiding huge social groups that he can't cope with, etc.). She's a hippy, so very free to be you and me with the kids, so I have to remind her frequently that DS needs more structure and clear "what will happen next" to feel comfortable. My dad (they're divorced) have actually expressed that they love my SN DS "more....because he needs the extra love" which I have warm but mixed feelings about, for probably obvious reasons. They also are nervous about handling him without us there. I don't share details of treatments, IEPs, or anything else beyond his ASD/ADHD diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mostly a vent. I'm with my parents now. One SN kid who can be difficult (but also lovely sometimes) and one NT who is decidedly an easy kid. SN kid is 10. My parents don't talk/ask questions about her differences/disabilities/therapies at all. Like never. I've mentioned it now and then. When I recently asked why they never talk to us/check in with us- my mom's answer was that we should tell her when something changes. WTH? Does she not understand that much of this is a permanent issue? Either it never changes or the changes take place over such s long time as to not be noticeable.

I know grandparents run the gamut, but how many of you have supportive and involved family members and how many of you don't?

It's not as though not asking questions is a sign that they're not supportive. If you want to talk about your kid's issue with them do you think they'd just listen, offer advice, say something derisive? Maybe they just don't understand that much about the SN.

I would be grateful if my mom would shut the hell up. Every visit, every visit, there is one or more rude comment about my kid.

[Anonymous]

My Mom is a professional worrier, so she is always asking about my son. We are doing everything possible to get him the therapy and things he needs and she agrees on that front.

However I can guarantee she is talking about him to my other sisters or her friends and how she's worried about this and that etc. That's just how that goes though.

I would say the difference between my son, and their other NT grandchildren is that they just can't handle him. They can for short doses, but they see how difficult he can be sometimes. My Dad said "I don't know how you do it"....so at least they understand the challenges.

My husbands parents are wonderful and my MIL is a former OT, so she asks about , but is always commenting on how much progress he has made etc. She is very positive all the time.

It would be hard to have parents that completely ignore the special needs, or blame you as a parent for their behavior and make rude comments. I'm sorry if some of you are dealing with that. Its hard enough as it is.

[Anonymous]

Are they good with your SN child? I couldn't tell from your post.

To me that's what's important, not whether they keep up to date on what therapies are going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

Books and education??? My mom only cares about herself and looking good to her friends. You think giving her a book on how to be a good grandma will help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

Books and education??? My mom only cares about herself and looking good to her friends. You think giving her a book on how to be a good grandma will help?

Sorry, PP. I didn't mean to trivialize, if that's how you took it. I know my own parents have learned a lot about ASD by, say, reading Temple Grandin's works. My point is that maybe there's some education that can happen without you personally having to be the teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I find it really annoying when my mom asks a lot of questions about DS's doctors and therapies. I know this is mean to say but the questions she asks are usually stupid and make me more anxious. She is nice to DS most of the time (we all get frustrated with some of his behavior) and makes an effort to play with him and buy him toys that she thinks he will like. That's what I view her correct role as.

Same. My mother used to just be very judgemental. Basically because our DS was not like other kids but he's very severe.
The judgement and having me chase around every whack all therapy idea was crazy stressful. None of that crap helps and it just makes you even more bankrupt.

My son was so severe and my mother do intolerant she didn't babysit for 9 years? Really no one did but you expect family to at least try.

Things are calmer now and she relates a lot better to him - I had to read her the riot act many times and at one point I stopped answering the phone for a year or two as she caused so much stress!).

But you're saying that you would like to discuss the therapies and things with your mom and she won't?
Must be how she is. Can you discuss with friends instead?

We wanted to include my mom in sign language lessons and she refused - she has a deaf sister even and she refused...
Pretty wacky but I don't sweat these things I just move on.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't mind if my parents ask questions. Man, if random strangers ask me questions, it's fine if a family member does.

I've been very up front with everything from therapies to diagnoses. I think mainly they don't b/c they'd rather not bring up the elephant in the room. Also, I know my mom does plenty of online research on her own and sends me random, meaningless articles and tries to be cagey about what she thinks the problem is in person without being direct.

Truly, if she would just ask, I would tell her. Or if she listened to any of the previous things I've mentioned, she would know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

I think that sometimes people believe that facts, information, and education will resolve problems. (I see this paradigm about racism a lot too -- that people just need to be educated and they won't be racist anymore.) But problems in special needs families are often more than a lack of education. I can only speak for my own family, but it feels like an "empathy chip" is missing. It's not a lack of information or a lack of education. These are people with a background in health care. They really just don't give a damn about inclusion or getting to know this kid.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are supportive as far as voicing support for us but have never been hands-on. My parents are hands-on but live across the country. So we basically have always done it on our own, hiring help for respite. Our lives revolve around our SN daughter now that she is an adult and out of school.

[Anonymous]

My parents have allways been difficult. The ignored my brother's ADD even after diagnosis. Now they actively voice their dislike of his AS son to me, and have been, on occassion, verbally abusive to him. He is quite a challange, and can be a bully to younger kids, but come on. They have been very close to my sister's daughters, who are nearly grown. They have very little contact with my kids, one who in SN, mostly because I share very little, and realize that they are never going to change.

[Anonymous]

As of this May, my children have no living grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

I think that sometimes people believe that facts, information, and education will resolve problems. (I see this paradigm about racism a lot too -- that people just need to be educated and they won't be racist anymore.) But problems in special needs families are often more than a lack of education. I can only speak for my own family, but it feels like an "empathy chip" is missing. It's not a lack of information or a lack of education. These are people with a background in health care. They really just don't give a damn about inclusion or getting to know this kid.

This. And, as you noted, this contributes to prejudices of all kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those whose parents don't have a good relationship with the grandchild, perhaps you could identify some books that would help them understand?

It may be that this is a generational gulf. Back when our parents were kids (and even back when we were kids) there were so many needs that simply went undiagnosed. Kids were more generally described as "good" or "troubled" or "just a boy acting out" without the amount of knowledge that we have today.

Perhaps some education and information would help them be the supportive grandparents that the children need and that you need and they want to be.

Books and education??? My mom only cares about herself and looking good to her friends. You think giving her a book on how to be a good grandma will help?

Sorry, PP. I didn't mean to trivialize, if that's how you took it. I know my own parents have learned a lot about ASD by, say, reading Temple Grandin's works. My point is that maybe there's some education that can happen without you personally having to be the teacher.

The difference is you parents care and are willing, mine are not. My mom lives close by, made at me for calling her on it and has not seen my kid in a month. She doesn't care she is hurting my child. She understands his needs and still critics his delays and everything vs. noting all the progress and positives about the child (who is well behaved and adores her).