Husband resents how I stand up to his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two words - Marriage counseling

+1. You have a marriage problem. You and dh should be a united front. I suspect that he is mad at more stuff then just that, how could he be mad at you only for that? In the future, have him communicate important things with his side of the family, and you communicate with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I wish I could find a helpful one. We have been twice total two different ones two different ones. One wasn't very good and the other one told us we were just fine after two visits ?!

You might consider individual counseling first so that you feel supported and heard. Then try couples counseling again.

[Anonymous]

Were you taking care of them or your MIL?

If your MIL was taking care of them, I think it was her decision to say if it was too much.

I'm sorry, but I think you may have picked the wrong battle to fight. You are right they should not take advantage of you, but this doesn't seem like a situation where they were taking advantage of you. They asked your MIL to take care of her grandkids.

Am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, I wrote a couple of months ago about how my husband, who is Hispanic, has a totally dysfunctional family. They do silent treatments etc. and his brother is a selfish jerk who has tons of $ and takes advantage of people. I stood up to my brother and sister in law a few months ago for dumping their kids at our house all day. My husband was furious at me and brother and sister in law don't speak to me and have limited contact w him. He is still very angry at me. He is so proud of me for my work accomplishments and wants me to be confident EXCEPT when it comes
To his family. I am supposed to put up with it like he does. I have three young children and am totally overwhelmed... I can't put up with selfishness at all night now. I am tired of his constant passive aggressive comments, such as "gee, you really can't measure the consequences of your actions" etc. I am so Unhappy in my marriage. I feel unheard and unsupported and I feel trapped since I have young kids. How do I respond to his jabs? I am trying to be strong and this is really eroding at my self confidence. Thanks for listening everyone.

Tell him this and see what he says?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have and he says I am dramatic. I don't think I am really that dramatic. How do I get him to tell me in a constructive way what he is really mad about? I feel like my husband is a terrible communicator and is from a family of people who did not communicate at all and he is totally passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does Hispanic have to do with it?

There most likely are. Namely, in Hispanic cultures there tends to be a "family helping family" mindset and dropping your kids at a family members house isn't quite the same level of WTF as it would be in other cultures.

+1

[Anonymous]

I totally get that- except that they do NOTHING to help our family??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get that- except that they do NOTHING to help our family??

Do you want to be like them? Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

move far away, or at least so far away that it is a major inconvenience for the in laws

[Anonymous]

I can be the bigger person, I suppose, but it seems we always have to be, and it costs us $, and that really bothers me bc these people make so so so much $ and we work very hard for our $

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can be the bigger person, I suppose, but it seems we always have to be, and it costs us $, and that really bothers me bc these people make so so so much $ and we work very hard for our $

Personally I think you could reframe this for yourself. It's important to your husband so it's like a gift to him, not a favor to the family. But seriously if you want to make it about money, the divorce you are driving yourself towards is going to cost you an awful lot of it - plus a lot of heartache too.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a weenie who is too scared to stnd up for himself. You don't have to put up with that shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be the bigger person, I suppose, but it seems we always have to be, and it costs us $, and that really bothers me bc these people make so so so much $ and we work very hard for our $

Personally I think you could reframe this for yourself. It's important to your husband so it's like a gift to him, not a favor to the family. But seriously if you want to make it about money, the divorce you are driving yourself towards is going to cost you an awful lot of it - plus a lot of heartache too.

How did your MIL taking care of the grandkids hurt you financially?

It sounds like you and your husband could both benefit from some marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

It may be that you have some jealousy issues regarding their $$ which makes you over react a bit. The rational part of you knows that even if they have money it doesn't mean they don't have other problems you don't have, so this money thing may be nagging at something else in you that you haven't really dealt with. Ask yourself why are you really resenting their wealth-does it trigger some feelings of insecurity from your childhood? Do you resent that dh isn't earning more? Do you feel like your kids are getting less opportunity than theirs? Do you feel trapped by your mortgage and bills? Whatever it is, You need to slay that inner demon, it's got nothing to do with them. Hopefully you don't feel that they should be sharing their money with you simply because they have it.

In the future regarding care sharing I might say: 'since we hosted all the kids at our place last time maybe you guys can do it next sat so dh and I can have a day out? '

[Anonymous]

I think I am very resentful about their $ because they are so selfish and we end up paying for so much more. We pay mother in laws mortgage every month and they don't pay a dime. Why? I don't know, but brother in law avoids discussing chipping in with my husband. And regarding them taking care of our kids, I have never heard of them taking care of anyone's kid EVER. They always use the excuse of being "so busy". I'm tired of the "we work so hard and need to rest"'excuse. My husband works his tail off and then gives more. It's an admirable trait but it's too much when that means the burden falls on me.