Husband resents how I stand up to his family

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, I wrote a couple of months ago about how my husband, who is Hispanic, has a totally dysfunctional family. They do silent treatments etc. and his brother is a selfish jerk who has tons of $ and takes advantage of people. I stood up to my brother and sister in law a few months ago for dumping their kids at our house all day. My husband was furious at me and brother and sister in law don't speak to me and have limited contact w him. He is still very angry at me. He is so proud of me for my work accomplishments and wants me to be confident EXCEPT when it comes
To his family. I am supposed to put up with it like he does. I have three young children and am totally overwhelmed... I can't put up with selfishness at all night now. I am tired of his constant passive aggressive comments, such as "gee, you really can't measure the consequences of your actions" etc. I am so Unhappy in my marriage. I feel unheard and unsupported and I feel trapped since I have young kids. How do I respond to his jabs? I am trying to be strong and this is really eroding at my self confidence. Thanks for listening everyone.

[Anonymous]

I would be very clear: "your brother and his wife took advantage of me, and I won't tolerate it anymore. You wouldn't tell them, so I did. I don't know what else you would expect. It is their issue that they can't accept being asked for basic consideration, and I can't believe you would take their side over mine. Maybe if you felt the weight of their imposition, it would matter. How would you feel if I took the kids and left for the day the next time they pulled a stunt like that?"

And bring up marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very clear: "your brother and his wife took advantage of me, and I won't tolerate it anymore. You wouldn't tell them, so I did. I don't know what else you would expect. It is their issue that they can't accept being asked for basic consideration, and I can't believe you would take their side over mine. Maybe if you felt the weight of their imposition, it would matter. How would you feel if I took the kids and left for the day the next time they pulled a stunt like that?"

And bring up marriage counseling.

OP wants a functional relationship. 80% of what you suggested is dysfuctional.
You don't threaten to take the kids and leave when you are angry with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very clear: "your brother and his wife took advantage of me, and I won't tolerate it anymore. You wouldn't tell them, so I did. I don't know what else you would expect. It is their issue that they can't accept being asked for basic consideration, and I can't believe you would take their side over mine. Maybe if you felt the weight of their imposition, it would matter. How would you feel if I took the kids and left for the day the next time they pulled a stunt like that?"

And bring up marriage counseling.

OP wants a functional relationship. 80% of what you suggested is dysfuctional.
You don't threaten to take the kids and leave when you are angry with your spouse.

PP didn't mean go on the lam, ffs! She meant go have a fun day at the zoo with your kids or something leaving your husband to contend with his own family drama. (

[Anonymous]

Tell us more about how they dumped the kids? Were you the only one home or was your DH involved in taking care of them? Was this the only instance of their selfishness? Have you asked your husband why he values their feelings more than yours?

[Anonymous]

Woah. Back up, OP.

You "stood up" one time to your ILs for leaving their kids at your house all day and now they, and DH, are furious with you?

Did you over-react that day?
Also, please understand family dynamics in different cultures can be very different. There could be an expectation that to watch each other's kids.

If this is not the case, and they always expect things from you without doing anything in return, have you spelled this out to your husband and what does he have to say about it?
Does he accept his role are purveyor of services to his brother, or does this only apply to you, as a free babysitter, and that's why he can't see it?

I don't know whether your frustration is justified, but if you feel strongly about this, I would broach the subject again when he is calm and tell him that you refuse to be treated in this way by your ILs. That this is a deal-breaker for you, and you will never change your mind about this, so he had better take some time to reflect. You can offer to go and discuss this with him in front of a marriage counselor, to show that you mean business.

[Anonymous]

Set boundaries with the in laws. Don't complain about your husband's family to your husband, if he won't do anything about it himself.

[Anonymous]

Next time they want to drop off their kids, add them to your three, and then tell DH you're going out for a while and leave him with all your kids plus the cousins. See how he feels THEN about standing up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time they want to drop off their kids, add them to your three, and then tell DH you're going out for a while and leave him with all your kids plus the cousins. See how he feels THEN about standing up to them.

+1

This is the obvious answer and I would tell him so.

[Anonymous]

What does Hispanic have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does Hispanic have to do with it?

Presumably there are some cultural issues at play.

[Anonymous]

If your husband doesn't want you to assert boundaries with him then he has to do so.

If he thinks it's reasonable for his brother to demand impromptu child care, then he has to provide it.

[Anonymous]

Explain more about how they dropped their kids off. There must have been SOME sort of discussion about this beforehand as I'm guessing they didn't just ring the doorbell and say, "Here you go. Have fun kids, bye!".

[Anonymous]

Actually they dumped the kids partly with me and partly with mother in law while she was at our house.... But of course made sure to drop them at our house when I wasn't there and only mother in law.. My husband told me they were there for a short "appointment" my sister in law had. The "appointment" was nine hours. My husband agreed afterwards that they showed blatant disregard. But he says this every other time they are selfish. And then does nothing to keep family peace. We went around and around discussing this topic after it ended and I explained to him that I probably could have worded myself differently but that I needed to stand up for myself because he never seems to do it. and that it was affecting my health and my stress level etc. I would think that a husband would be upset about his wife's health and stress level wouldn't he? Well, normally he would but when it comes to his family no his wife's health and stress level wouldn't he? Well, normally he would but when it comes to his family, no. No his brother and sister-in-law are not speaking to us and it's driving him crazy because he can't fix it. And he's blaming it on me. I feel like the in law family scapegoat. And it's really sad because we will go for weeks seeming fine and then he'll have a little mean dig that makes me realize he truly does not see my point of view and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does Hispanic have to do with it?

There most likely are. Namely, in Hispanic cultures there tends to be a "family helping family" mindset and dropping your kids at a family members house isn't quite the same level of WTF as it would be in other cultures.