Husband resents how I stand up to his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually they dumped the kids partly with me and partly with mother in law while she was at our house.... But of course made sure to drop them at our house when I wasn't there and only mother in law.. My husband told me they were there for a short "appointment" my sister in law had. The "appointment" was nine hours. My husband agreed afterwards that they showed blatant disregard. But he says this every other time they are selfish. And then does nothing to keep family peace. We went around and around discussing this topic after it ended and I explained to him that I probably could have worded myself differently but that I needed to stand up for myself because he never seems to do it. and that it was affecting my health and my stress level etc. I would think that a husband would be upset about his wife's health and stress level wouldn't he? Well, normally he would but when it comes to his family no his wife's health and stress level wouldn't he? Well, normally he would but when it comes to his family, no. No his brother and sister-in-law are not speaking to us and it's driving him crazy because he can't fix it. And he's blaming it on me. I feel like the in law family scapegoat. And it's really sad because we will go for weeks seeming fine and then he'll have a little mean dig that makes me realize he truly does not see my point of view and it hurts.

Wait, who was responsible for them? You or MIL? Does MIL live there or why is she home alone at your house?

[Anonymous]

You've got to get him to a point where he realizes that his brother and SIL have driven a wedge between you two, and it's THEIR FAULT, by any objective measure. Why? Because they started it. Sure you could have reacted differently! But you wouldn't have had to react in the first place if they hadn't dumped their kids at your house for 9 hours!

[Anonymous]

How often does this happen? What kind of appointment?

[Anonymous]

Mother in law was paid to take care of kids three days a week while I was working short hours. I am not working right now. I realize this is not my business, but brother and sister in law have a LOT of money and often dump their kids on anyone who will take them. They have never offered to help us with anything, nonetheless hold the baby. Fine, they are jerks. But husband cannot face this and I feel like the family scapegoat for not tolerating their constant tacky behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother in law was paid to take care of kids three days a week while I was working short hours. I am not working right now. I realize this is not my business, but brother and sister in law have a LOT of money and often dump their kids on anyone who will take them. They have never offered to help us with anything, nonetheless hold the baby. Fine, they are jerks. But husband cannot face this and I feel like the family scapegoat for not tolerating their constant tacky behavior.

I'm really confused. If they were paying your mother in law and left the kids with her, what's the issue? Is it because it was at your house? I'm still wholly confused on why your MIL is at your house all day.

[Anonymous]

If I'm remembering correctly from original thread - OP paid MIL to watch her children while she worked; BIL/SIL would drop their children of for a "short" appointment that ended up being 9+ hours - they also expected OP to provide food and never offered to pay her back for these extra costs. When/ if she said anything she was accused of causing trouble and causing a family feud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I'm remembering correctly from original thread - OP paid MIL to watch her children while she worked; BIL/SIL would drop their children of for a "short" appointment that ended up being 9+ hours - they also expected OP to provide food and never offered to pay her back for these extra costs. When/ if she said anything she was accused of causing trouble and causing a family feud.

Oh, so it was OP paying the MIL - not the SIL/BIL? Yeah, I would be mad, then. Hope they ended that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Yes the arrangement has ended... But my husband is still being nasty at me on occasion which reminds me he really doesn't get it and is putting me in the family scapegoat position. I wish I were not as affected by his comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I'm remembering correctly from original thread - OP paid MIL to watch her children while she worked; BIL/SIL would drop their children of for a "short" appointment that ended up being 9+ hours - they also expected OP to provide food and never offered to pay her back for these extra costs. When/ if she said anything she was accused of causing trouble and causing a family feud.

I do t really see the big deal here. Give and take. It's awkward for me to charge relatives for a favor. If OP hire MIL for childcare while she works that's different as she is making money in the meantime. If the relatives overextend a favor by not picking up their kids, learn from it and tell them it won't work in the future as it was too much to handle. Why would you charge the kids for food they ate at your house? Are they teenagers emptying the fridge. All in all, it sounds narrow minded.

[Anonymous]

Well, it certainly won't happen again, as they now hate me for saying anything. They knew it was rude and I would say no so they went around me when I wasn't home. I guess my point is that they are truly rude and self centered on so many occasions, and I cannot tell you how many times my husband has told me "I know, but can you just be patient, it's my family". No, no I can't always be patient. I'm sick of it. Why is he throwing it in my face? I didn't say anything super mean...I said that I need notice in the future and could the kids bring food with them. I still think my wording could be improved, but I don't think any wording would have helped anything. I totally get that this makes my husband uncomfortable.... But why does he treat me like I am causing problems on purpose for the sake of causing problems? I have told him how the stress of being imposed upon causes me so much stress and I can't just stuff that for years. But he continues with these little jabs.

[Anonymous]

It is really eroding my marriage. Like I mentioned, sometimes I think about filing for separation. Is this normal to be thinking about so often? It seems like most people don't consider looking into separation as often as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I guess my point is that they are truly rude and self centered on so many occasions, and I cannot tell you how many times my husband has told me "I know, but can you just be patient, it's my family". No, no I can't always be patient.

So here's the thing, OP. Clearly you hate his brother and, from the way you talk, just about everything he does. You want your husband to take your side. Your husband says that he understands that they can be difficult and asks you to have patience. You say no, absolutely not. Frankly, most families come with baggage and there has to be give and take. And you come across as not willing to budge. In your next post you ask about separating and that might be where you are heading if you continue to be unyielding.

FWIW, my family (and I won't say whether it's in laws or my side) can be like your BIL. My reaction to your original post was "only 9 hours ". My family has dropped off kids for days at a time so I understand the imposition. But you have to decide what matters most - staying married and in a good relationship or periodic inconveniences.

[Anonymous]

I do.'you're right. I'm at that horrible stage where when you start to be annoyed by every single thing a person does even if they aren't doing anything. However, I have to include that I forgot to mention that everyone has to be dumped at our house because brother-in-law and father-in-law don't speak. This tells you what kind of people they are. Petty and immature. I think I don't totally want my husband to take my side but I want him to at least tell me he understands how it is affecting me and that he doesn't want me to feel that way. If I felt like he truly was standing up for me then I probably could put up with a lot more. It's the feeling of being the "outlaw" and then I have no one to support me when we have group functions. It's a lonely feeling.

[Anonymous]

Two words - Marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

I wish I could find a helpful one. We have been twice total two different ones two different ones. One wasn't very good and the other one told us we were just fine after two visits ?!