Husband resents how I stand up to his family

[Anonymous]

you and your husband should both work on better boundaries. i am sure he would like them too but is just too nice and caught in his upbringings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I am very resentful about their $ because they are so selfish and we end up paying for so much more. We pay mother in laws mortgage every month and they don't pay a dime. Why? I don't know, but brother in law avoids discussing chipping in with my husband. And regarding them taking care of our kids, I have never heard of them taking care of anyone's kid EVER. They always use the excuse of being "so busy". I'm tired of the "we work so hard and need to rest"'excuse. My husband works his tail off and then gives more. It's an admirable trait but it's too much when that means the burden falls on me.

Why do you pay her mortgage? That is crazy! I hope the house is in your name -- otherwise I bet the other sibling ends up with it when she dies.

Marriage counseling: you both need it.

[Anonymous]

He is definitely caught up in his upbringings...and everyone has been tiptoeing around brother in law since the day he was born. That's just the way he is. Fine. But I don't like the comments from husband that I "don't think about the consequences of my actions" if brother in law gets mad bc he is a jerk??? I need to stop caring what people think.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband comes from a culture that values family above all. You don't. Frankly, I'm not optimistic about your (both) ability to cross the divide. This is why intercultural marriages are more difficult and fail at higher rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I am very resentful about their $ because they are so selfish and we end up paying for so much more. We pay mother in laws mortgage every month and they don't pay a dime. Why? I don't know, but brother in law avoids discussing chipping in with my husband. And regarding them taking care of our kids, I have never heard of them taking care of anyone's kid EVER. They always use the excuse of being "so busy". I'm tired of the "we work so hard and need to rest"'excuse. My husband works his tail off and then gives more. It's an admirable trait but it's too much when that means the burden falls on me.

Why do you pay her mortgage? That is crazy! I hope the house is in your name -- otherwise I bet the other sibling ends up with it when she dies.

Marriage counseling: you both need it.

Yep, get the title in your name. Otherwise, no payments. This is crazy even for Hispanic family standards

[Anonymous]

Is Hispanic culture also family of origin above wife ? I mean, I know that they are very big on family, but I'm not understanding why family of origin would come above buying things for immediate family and making sure we have everything. For example, my husband really emphasizes me not buying things and that makes me angry because I know the extra money goes to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband a younger brother?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that's typical of Hispanic culture. PP is being an asshat suggesting you don't value family, though, because you guys are also a family and clearly your spouse doesn't value that. That said, I don't know how easily you can fix this now. The money/family/time thing is something you needed to discuss before marriage and kids. You can't just expect someone to suddenly change, and I say this as someone who also married into a Hispanic family.

[Anonymous]

Husband is the oldest from a mom who had him when she was 15. And dad was almost never around.... So I feel like he has this over the top sense of responsibility for his family and guilt that his mom could have had a different life if she hadn't have had him so young. I wish he could realize that this is not his "fault" and he can care about his family without putting himself in the father role. He is the father role, and younger brother is in the role of the younger sibling who is selfish and throws temper tantrums.. Even at 45 years of age... And everyone dances around him. I cannot put up with that bratty, rude, selfish behavior and just stuff my feelings down.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Move. Far. Away.

The peace of mind is worth it
Bonus, you'll find that you get along much better when you only see each other on rare visits. Familiarity breeds contempt.

[Anonymous]

Oh I hated them on rare visits, too, before they moved here... They would come to town and stay at our house for a week camping out in the living room, using our car, and not paying for any food!!! Yes, and this from people who prob make $300,000 a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I hated them on rare visits, too, before they moved here... They would come to town and stay at our house for a week camping out in the living room, using our car, and not paying for any food!!! Yes, and this from people who prob make $300,000 a year.

So why didn't you reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

We were not invited to their house. They were always "working too much" and "too busy"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were not invited to their house. They were always "working too much" and "too busy"...

I dunno, OP. People munching on my snacks wouldn't derail my relationship with my husband, but paying somebody's mortgage probably would. This is where I draw the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two words - Marriage counseling

+1 It usually drives me nuts how quickly people on DCUM jump to "go to counseling" but for OP, I would suggest it. The situation with your in-laws has proven to OP that her spouse is not really a partner, not really supportive, not really listening, not really expressing care, not really prioritizing his nuclear family but instead is harboring resentment and anger. So off to the counselor you go and if you can't make some progress with him, head to the divorce attorney. Sounds to me that emotionally you may already be on your own, so maybe you'd be better off on your own. At lease with shared custody you'd have some time to yourself that might help you remain healthy, sane, calm. Good luck.