Would you date guy who grew up in foster care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in foster care. On my 18th birthday, mid way through my senior year in high school, I was thrown out by the foster parents. This was 35 years ago in Fairfax county. I was homeless from my Birthday for about three weeks, but after the school found out I was homeless, a teacher let me stay with her. The school found out, because I could not have a form signed by a guardian. I explained I am of age, and on my own. I definitely had issues -- abandonment, etc. At the time, I would not have been a good significant other.

FWIW, I had already applied to college, and went on a full scholarship. I ended up getting a graduate degree and now make good money. I am married with a kid. I want to take in foster kids, but wife says no. Basically, I want to help get kids through the transition to adulthood -- that was a very difficult time.

I know this happened a long time ago, but aren't foster kids cared for until age 21 now?

nope. 18. age of majority.

http://www.childrensrights.org/newsroom/fact-sheets/aging-out/

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I grew up in a two-parent household with my biological parents. It was rough - not necessarily because of abuse, but because one was terminally ill and it was really, really hard for all of us.

I don't care what kind of difficult childhood someone has, so long as they've dealt with their issues and have grown from them. Better to date someone who had "issues" and come out brighter on the other side, than someone who hasn't dealt with serious difficulty... and then you never know how they'll react with shit gets real.

[Anonymous]

It always amazes me what people think is appropriate second date disclosure topics. I think that very current serious situations merit disclosure: "I'm fighting for custody of my three ES age children.", "I have stage three cancer.", "I had a DUI last month and might be going to jail soon." all seem reasonable disclosures of potential deal-breakers. But complex, past situations like having been in foster care or surviving child abuse/DV/sexual assault? I think those can wait until you know the person a little better and can contextualize what they are telling you. I survived childhood sexual abuse, I'm not a hot mess according to my fiancé, and he's seen my worst PTSD flashbacks by now so he knows what he speaks of. I did tell him before we became sexually intimate, but after we had established emotional intimacy and trust. I knew that even if he said deal-breaker he wasn't going to blab my story all throughout our social circle or tell people I was damaged goods.
I dated a vet who lost a leg in Afghanistan. I think he told me on date two or three. But it came up very naturally because of something we were discussing, not this huge "I have something to tell you." Or "You'd better know this about me before we go any further." Still, I didn't really know him yet and my mind definitely flew to "How does this impact me?" rather than "How is this part of the whole package of Larlo?" We actually went on to become casual friends rather than lovers and I see that his injury isn't the most important thing to know about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always amazes me what people think is appropriate second date disclosure topics. I think that very current serious situations merit disclosure: "I'm fighting for custody of my three ES age children.", "I have stage three cancer.", "I had a DUI last month and might be going to jail soon." all seem reasonable disclosures of potential deal-breakers. But complex, past situations like having been in foster care or surviving child abuse/DV/sexual assault? I think those can wait until you know the person a little better and can contextualize what they are telling you. I survived childhood sexual abuse, I'm not a hot mess according to my fiancé, and he's seen my worst PTSD flashbacks by now so he knows what he speaks of. I did tell him before we became sexually intimate, but after we had established emotional intimacy and trust. I knew that even if he said deal-breaker he wasn't going to blab my story all throughout our social circle or tell people I was damaged goods.
I dated a vet who lost a leg in Afghanistan. I think he told me on date two or three. But it came up very naturally because of something we were discussing, not this huge "I have something to tell you." Or "You'd better know this about me before we go any further." Still, I didn't really know him yet and my mind definitely flew to "How does this impact me?" rather than "How is this part of the whole package of Larlo?" We actually went on to become casual friends rather than lovers and I see that his injury isn't the most important thing to know about him.

Okaaaaay.

[Anonymous]

If I were him I would dump you for your judgement. You've only been on two dates and you expect this guy to tell you his whole life story? You're just seeing if there is attraction and common interests at this point. That's nothing something you divulge until you're more serious about dating that person.

I feel like you're being too judgemental. Foster kids can grow up with issues, but look at all the " normal" home children that grow up to be violent, on drugs, strippers, rapists, etc. Everyone has a past. Don't judge him for things he had no control over. It's like one guy who said he wouldn't date a woman with divorced parents. How can you penalize that person for a situation they had no power over.

Either give this guy chance and see how things go, or stop seeing him. I think you should do him a favor and let him find a woman who isn't so judgemental. He deserves better.

Yep. He deserves better than you.

i grew up in a 2 parent household that was totally fucked up. Couldn't be worse than foster care - at least it wouldn't have been my bio-parent doing that shit to me. Yet, I'm the model of resiliency. Gota BA, went to Peace Corps, bot an MBA, happily married 20 years and 3 well adjusted kids. That guy doesn't need or deserve your judgment. Go back to the shallow end where you belong.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your question is a valid one. Everyone's threshold is different, but I'd view the foster care information as just a caution flag. If he seems nice enough to go on more dates I'd give it a chance. Just balance this with healthy caution and don't be afraid to reevaluate if you get more information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your question is a valid one. Everyone's threshold is different, but I'd view the foster care information as just a caution flag. If he seems nice enough to go on more dates I'd give it a chance. Just balance this with healthy caution and don't be afraid to reevaluate if you get more information.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in foster care. On my 18th birthday, mid way through my senior year in high school, I was thrown out by the foster parents. This was 35 years ago in Fairfax county. I was homeless from my Birthday for about three weeks, but after the school found out I was homeless, a teacher let me stay with her. The school found out, because I could not have a form signed by a guardian. I explained I am of age, and on my own. I definitely had issues -- abandonment, etc. At the time, I would not have been a good significant other.

FWIW, I had already applied to college, and went on a full scholarship. I ended up getting a graduate degree and now make good money. I am married with a kid. I want to take in foster kids, but wife says no. Basically, I want to help get kids through the transition to adulthood -- that was a very difficult time.

Maybe when your own child is bigger? My husband and I have also discussed fostering, but we've agreed to wait until our two kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My brother dated a girl from foster care and there were just so many issues. I felt bad for her, but seeing (on Facebook) the nightmare she's become (stripper, druggie, single mom who got her kid taken away, suicide attempts) I'm glad my brother didn't marry her. I'm sorry.

And I know a women who aged out of foster care, went to college on a full scholarship, for married & now has a successful career, a husband of 10+ years & 2 kids she's a wonderful mother to

Judge him based on who he is now, not on how he grew up.

This is the exception to the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

OP. Did you ever stop to thimk you're the unhealty one? Look at why you keep picking such bad guys. You should take a break and focus on yourself. This guy can be a good guy. You will never know because your ridiculous assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Yes. He may be an awesome person even though he had a rough youth. One of my closest friends grew up in an abusive home and then in a home for delinquents. He is cool, funny, kind and all sorts of awesome as if he became the opposite of all the harshness that he survived. Definitely don't write someone off simply because they had a difficult start.

[Anonymous]

I am a married women. I have friends who are married men. I think the Rule of Thumb is the same as what I tell my kids-- don't text (email, snapchat, whatever) something you aren't 100% comfortable having you DH and his DW see (With my kids it, parents, police, principal). If you are fine if your DH or his DW picks up your phone and sees the texts, go for it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am a married women. I have friends who are married men. I think the Rule of Thumb is the same as what I tell my kids-- don't text (email, snapchat, whatever) something you aren't 100% comfortable having you DH and his DW see (With my kids it, parents, police, principal). If you are fine if your DH or his DW picks up your phone and sees the texts, go for it.

+1

Wrong thread, pp.

[Anonymous]

F&CK NO.

Been there done that. He turned physically abusive after 4 years. He's now with his trailor trash queen who puts up with his abuse.

Run and don't look back because if you aren't of that class you don't know the warning signs to look out.