Wife Needs to Stop Dumping All Her Emotional Negativity on Me. It's Killing My Love for Her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. If you are shutting down when she tries to share her problems, maybe she feels like you aren't really hearing her or giving her the help/advice she needs. When she tells you about an issue with your kids, do you help her think about ways to solve it? Do you give her suggestions on how to deal with her work problems? What you see as "dumping" might be her asking for your help, and if you're basically ignoring her and shutting down, it's not surprising that she brings up the same issues again and again.

This

Plus one of the pluses of being married is emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. If you are shutting down when she tries to share her problems, maybe she feels like you aren't really hearing her or giving her the help/advice she needs. When she tells you about an issue with your kids, do you help her think about ways to solve it? Do you give her suggestions on how to deal with her work problems? What you see as "dumping" might be her asking for your help, and if you're basically ignoring her and shutting down, it's not surprising that she brings up the same issues again and again.

This

Plus one of the pluses of being married is emotional support.

That emotional support should not be "unlimited dumping ground."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. If you are shutting down when she tries to share her problems, maybe she feels like you aren't really hearing her or giving her the help/advice she needs. When she tells you about an issue with your kids, do you help her think about ways to solve it? Do you give her suggestions on how to deal with her work problems? What you see as "dumping" might be her asking for your help, and if you're basically ignoring her and shutting down, it's not surprising that she brings up the same issues again and again.

This

Plus one of the pluses of being married is emotional support.

I think you are missing the part where he said this happens every day and she can't every say anything positive, every single thing she shares is negative.

That is not normal or okay in a healthy marriage.

How about sharing the positive and venting some stuff and asking for support when it is really important... and did I meantion say something positive... more often than not.

[Anonymous]

Let her know before she sucks up all of your energy and you are completely done. It's very possible she doesn't even realize what she is doing. I used to be negative about a lot of things and I didn't realize it because I had grown up with it and it seemed normal.

[Anonymous]

This used to be me! Then I changed jobs.
My dh mastered the art of half listening. When I was ranting, I didn't want solutions. I just needed to rant.

[Anonymous]

I think DHs and DWs can be equally guilty with this. There is always something to complain about -- but there should be more things to celebrate. Maybe have a 10-minute rule -- complain all you want for the first 10 minutes after you get home, and then STFU!

[Anonymous]

Get her a copy of the book "Love Busters."

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex?

this is the important question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you preempt the venting sessions by saying something positive/nice before she has a chance to start? A hug or a compliment might go a long way. Or, bring up a topic that you know would give you both a little pleasure.

+1 A hug after and a compliment will go a long way. It fixes a lot for a frustrated woman. Very often.

[Anonymous]

DH and I text during the day so we don't need to unload all the day's news in the evening. We still talk after dinner just before watching one of our favorite shows. It's possible she is repeating some of her parent's behaviors and doesn't realize everyone doesn't unload on their spouse. Maybe you should have a short "cocktail hour" before dinner so she can unwind and it doesn't extend to dinner and beyond?

[Anonymous]

I summarize the day's BS for DH. We have a 4 year old, so we get 30 actual minutes of possible talking a night. 10 minutes I tell him things (if that, probably 5), 10 (probably 5) minutes, he tells me things, and the other moments we talk about DD. Probably 15 minutes total.

Point is, the partner needs the abridged bitchy version of 3-5 minutes and then let it all go and move on as a happy family. It is hard to do, and sometimes requires me to not care about my job. Sometimes that takes the form of boundaries. Sometimes, it is something else.

I know that DH doesn't want to hear me just complain. So when I complained about breakfast this morning in 10 seconds, because I couldn't shut my mouth, I spent a lot of time making sure he knew I appreciated the fact that he made it. And he made coffee. And he brought it all to the table.

I gchat with DH all day, so I can vent and he can look at a list of messages, respond to what he thinks is relevant and move on. I get to tell him about X, Y, and Z, and he sees it all, but he can skim it. He can ignore it, he can respond to it. But I don't feel like I have to tell him anything about any of what I rant about on gchat when he comes home. I have a few longs rants for me.

I sometimes save the sweet conversations for when he's in person, because I know we'd enjoy them.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers..hmm. how old is she? Did this start or grow worse recently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. If you are shutting down when she tries to share her problems, maybe she feels like you aren't really hearing her or giving her the help/advice she needs. When she tells you about an issue with your kids, do you help her think about ways to solve it? Do you give her suggestions on how to deal with her work problems? What you see as "dumping" might be her asking for your help, and if you're basically ignoring her and shutting down, it's not surprising that she brings up the same issues again and again.

Start acting like a team. Step up and YOU handle the teenagers' issues. Step up and take her on a nice vacation. Step up and help her with a job search or networking. Step up and tell her what she is doing a good job on. Step up and EMPATHIZE that you know it is hard to parent teenagers and work at the XYZ place with all its toxic politics, etc.

Also, OP, make sure you are contributing or augmenting any of these "complaints." Complaining is an output. Figure out what the input is and fix that. And don't cop out and blame her personality, that's a lazy cop out. Figure out the real problem. Don't to the BS stiff upper lip thing, and god forbid, if you have daughters do not tell them to suck it up. Listen, empathize, be a father, be a husband.

If you can't be that, encourage her to hang out with her girlfriends more, perhaps they can offer her better support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of sh*t is she complaining about besides the long hours? Most people have an occasional need to vent here or there, but coming home with a list of valid complaints every day is alarming. Is her job too stressful for her to handle? Can she look into changing jobs? Do you (as a family) lack organization which results in a hectic schedule and unnecessary stress? It really sucks if you have things to complain about every single day! Even is they are small and trivial things.

good one.

what changed in the last few years in her life? (besides the kids becoming teens and needing more parenting and role models than ever)