Wife Needs to Stop Dumping All Her Emotional Negativity on Me. It's Killing My Love for Her

[Anonymous]

What kind of sh*t is she complaining about besides the long hours? Most people have an occasional need to vent here or there, but coming home with a list of valid complaints every day is alarming. Is her job too stressful for her to handle? Can she look into changing jobs? Do you (as a family) lack organization which results in a hectic schedule and unnecessary stress? It really sucks if you have things to complain about every single day! Even is they are small and trivial things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, she needs to feel you've heard her and that you understand the issues and how tough she has it. Women often don't feel heard, so they go on and on, trying to get some soothing response from men. And men, in hearing women vent, don't necessarily respond well, because they feel helpless and overwhelmed by the negative. Men want to fix things and be done with it. The venting stresses them. Women often find venting relieves stress.

You could research some therapists she might talk to, so you have those names ready. Then have a talk with her about how you hear and understand how tough things are for her, and you sympathize and wish you could fix it, but you can't really do anything. Acknowledge that often men and women react differently to venting, and how it is for you versus her. And tell her that hearing so much negativity when you can't fix it is getting you depressed and stressed, and that you want to spend more time with her focusing on positive things. And that you can see it helps her to vent, and she needs someone to vent to who can be a good ear, who won't get upset to see her stressed, and who may be able to offer her good insights on things. And then, if she's amenable to that, get to work with her to get things set up with a therapist.

+1 My husband tells me to call a girlfriend when he's had enough. Sometimes that's the best route. Then I can be more positive with him. I wouldn't like him to consistently vent to a friend, because I would feel left out of my husband's life, but he just doesn't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

I did this to my DH, and he hated it and pointed it out. But he should have pointed it out MUCH sooner. Sometimes venting isn't cathartic and can just go on and on; sounds like your wife is like that. She needs to work on developing habits of positivity and managing her emotions.

Talk to her. Encourage her to see a therapist if she wants one. Tell her for every complaint she has to then say something positive. Tell her it's taking a toll on you and in your relationship. Ask her for ideas about how to change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

my DW loves to do this as I am leaving for work, then gets mad that I am not listening to her. I have tried to tell her nicely that when I get home we can continue, or why doesn't she vent at night when I get home.
It's almost like she tries to make me late for work so she feels she is more important than my job

[Anonymous]

Your post was very articulate & straightforward.

I would tell her exactly what you told us.

Is she tough to talk to??

[Anonymous]

Come on we all know how the DW is going to react. It'll be something along the lines of "you don't listen to me, life is hard, (something that happened 5-10 years ago at least), and (further perceived fault she's now found in OP)" for at least 20-30 minutes in addition to the earlier vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW has this very annoying habit of coming home and dumping all the sh*t of her day at my feet. I realize people sometimes need to vent, and I can take it on occasion, but everyday it becomes something I just don't want to hear. My DW almost never has anything to talk to me about that is positive. She complains ad infinatum about her long work hours - although her long work hours are all rather sporadic - and if she has a fight with one of our teenage kids she takes it out on me. It is killing whatever love I have for this woman. I would prefer she get to a therapist and figure out how to handle her own emotions rather than look for me and the kids to be her emotional dumping ground.

Tell her exactly what you just wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on we all know how the DW is going to react. It'll be something along the lines of "you don't listen to me, life is hard, (something that happened 5-10 years ago at least), and (further perceived fault she's now found in OP)" for at least 20-30 minutes in addition to the earlier vent.

So true, so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW has this very annoying habit of coming home and dumping all the sh*t of her day at my feet. I realize people sometimes need to vent, and I can take it on occasion, but everyday it becomes something I just don't want to hear. My DW almost never has anything to talk to me about that is positive. She complains ad infinatum about her long work hours - although her long work hours are all rather sporadic - and if she has a fight with one of our teenage kids she takes it out on me. It is killing whatever love I have for this woman. I would prefer she get to a therapist and figure out how to handle her own emotions rather than look for me and the kids to be her emotional dumping ground.

Are you expressing and communicating this to her? Do you set aside regular times to talk? Does she know you have these feelings? Or have you brought them here and dumped them at our feet while she remains clueless about your increasing quiet, distance and irritability? If you aren't communicating well, doing couples therapy check ins and regular dates then go address this. People can't read other people's minds!

[Anonymous]

So....have you tried telling her this? I don't know what kind of response you think you're going to get besides "tell her that." I mean really.

[Anonymous]

Hi, there! Do you think it might be helpful if you sit down with your wife and speak to her openly about this issue? Have you considered counseling? I know that Focus on the Family has free licensed counselors that you can call at 1-800-A-FAMILY. My friend has spoken with one recently and they are great. I know they would love to help! I’ll keep you in my prayers…. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I know it's hard but I'd try to let her vent. Just think of it as you are doing it for her.

It's not good for me. It raises my blood pressure and needlessly stresses me out.

[Anonymous]

Does she have friends? My women friends and I vent to each other and it's much more satisfying that venting to my DH.

[Anonymous]

My wife did this to me, endlessly. Nothing more draining than to come home from work and get unloaded on again. Occasionally, sure. Every night, no.

I generally found the witching hour to be between 8-9:30 after the kids went to bed and before we settled into our routine. So I avoided her, either played sports, went to the gym, started doing work. She settled down or she called a friend.

I am sympathetic; she is a SAHM so claims she has no one to talk to. But, this is what girlfriends are for.

OP, make yourself scarce, see if that works.

[Anonymous]

You are her DH and should share some of her burdens. Being a parent of teenagers is difficult. Teenagers and their attitudes can effect the entire family. Tell her you wants to help her when she feels stressed but you would like to find a balance in life.