Really want to reach out to ex boyfriend - college reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're facebook friends then you already know what he's been up to and how he's doing.

+1

I know exactly what my college ex is up to these days precisely because we are FB friends, so I've seen recent family pics, vacation pics, house pics, etc., and he sees the same from me. OP is clearly after more.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Tomorrow is my college girlfriend's 50th birthday, and the thought of sending her a message or flowers, anonymously, has occurred to me. Then I think of what it would do to my wife (who I love very much), or how I would feel if the proverbial shoe was on the other foot, and realize ... STUPID IDEA.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the issue except that your husband would mind. Mine wouldn't care - I am friends with exes and so is he - but if yours does you might want to think twice. Though it depends - is your husband usually controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're facebook friends then you already know what he's been up to and how he's doing.

+1

I know exactly what my college ex is up to these days precisely because we are FB friends, so I've seen recent family pics, vacation pics, house pics, etc., and he sees the same from me. OP is clearly after more.

She said he has a FB account but doesn't use it.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go for it. He'll respond or he won't and your curiosity will be satisfied. Perfectly normal to wonder about an old friend, even if the two of you happened to date as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes do it. If not now when?

You are the same poster who always encourages people to have affairs saying that they could be soulmates!

[Anonymous]

I'm with everyone who says - if he wanted to be more in touch with you, he would be. It isn't like he cannot reach you. The last time you suggested reconnecting more, he declined. OP, take a hint.

He may think well of you, your time in his life, and wish you well. It doesn't sound like you have him reason not to. That doesn't mean he wants you to be in his life now any more than you already are.

Don't be like my ex. The first time he contacted me, 3 years after our relationship, I was gracious, wished him well, and did not proceed further as I did not wish to have him in my life. He continued to email repeatedly, with more questions about my life at the time. I ignored all but the first - said what I wanted to in my reply to that, and wasn't interested in any further contact. After 4 or 5 emails, he stopped.

6 years later I get an alert that he's liked one of my tweets. He doesn't follow me on Twitter, and the tweet was from 4 months prior. This means he was scrolling through months of my tweets on a Saturday night. He then moved from someone I had no ill will towards to someone I spent the next morning trying to figure out how to block from all my social media accounts.

Don't be my ex. Take the hint the first time.

[Anonymous]

If your hunch earlier was that he didn't seem particularly enthused about getting together, I would just let things be.

After all, you don't want to come off as too aggressive.

He probably just likes to keep his distance which is a responsible thing considering you are now happily married w/a family now.

You can try talking to him at the reunion, but if he seems a bit distant then accept that.

*NOTE: I read a lot of these types of situations in this forum where a "happily married" woman is curious about a past flame. She claims there are no lingering romantic feelings involved....Just a natural "curiosity" as to how the ex is faring in life.
I think many of these women are lying to themselves if they truly are only "curious."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A psychologist once told me that this is exactly how a lot of affairs start. People reach out to an ex, not necessarily looking for an affair but even out of sheer curiosity, and agree to meet. Then they have a nice visit and are flooded with a lot of memories of a time in their life when they were carefree, young and passionate. Next thing they know, they are in an affair. She said she has seen this happen numerous times, even when they were in happy marriages, even when the spouse was ok with the initial meeting.

So this is a bad idea. Well for that reason and the reason that your ex has sent pretty clear signals that he is not interest in restarting your friendship.

A divorce lawyer told me the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get this. I had a college bf who I still care for, in the sense that I want him to be happy in life, but who I am not interested in being romantically linked to EVER again. We were not a good fit long term. The last time I reached out to him (when he got engaged, to say congrats, I'd just gotten married) he didn't respond. So even though he's had two kids since then, I haven't reached out again. I wasn't sure my contact was welcome, or if his wife was ok with it, and didn't want to be making him uncomfortable. I had broken up with him, and it was the right choice (I think he knew that too, but never would have ended it) and so I keep that in mind. Would I want someone who dumped me reaching out asking about my life? Errr, maybe not.

Do you have mutual friends? Could you ask one of them if he's going to the reunion? If not, I don't think I'd reach out. I'd keep the fond memories, think well of him, and then get together with your other friends and have a blast.

I wish there were more mature, empathetic people like you in the world. Everything now seems to be all about 'me'.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think we ever completely fall out of love with someone, even if they have not been in our lives for years. I can guarantee you that he thinks about you on occasion with warm thoughts. Isn't that enough for you. Don't gate crash his life. It's not fair to him.

[Anonymous]

There is "wanting to know if an ex has major milestones/superficial FB friends" level of contact and there is "really wanting to reconnect" level of contact. The former ... OK and I'd argue it's healthy if you're on that level with a high percentage of your exes. The latter, not so much. NOt unless you're cool with your DH having lunches with that single cutie at work that is SO into her work and SO passionate about things ...