Fake health issues for attention?

[Anonymous]

Wow, what is up with this generation of women pretending to be sick all the time?? My mother does the same thing. She commits to it so heavily that she'll actually check herself into the hospital and have them call us to come get her (because of course nothing is wrong). Then she'll end up staying with us "recovering" for a day or two, asking to be waited on hand and foot. I've stopped sugar coating it and told her many times how disgusting her behavior is but several family members still give in to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this.

People who fake or play up illness do it in order to get "secondary gains." Secondary gains are attention and extras and not having to work or do chores.

Eliminate the secondary gains. Completely.

When your mom falls ill, she cannot watch TV, because that would be bad for her extremely delicate ill condition. She cannot have soda -- that would upset her stomach. She has to be driven RIGHT AWAY to the ER, by you, or an ambulance called RIGHT NOW. You will need to warn her that the closest ER or minute clinic has a wait time of at least three hours, but that's okay, because her illness is extremely grave and important. She doesn't want to go? Well, let's get her into bed right away then, with the lights out. No TV or books or snacks for someone as sick as she obviously is.

What, she's feeling better? Wonderful! What a miraculous recovery. You have a list of chores for her now that she's well. You'd like her to run to the grocery store since she's able to tolerate snacks. No? Well, then back to bed or immediately to the clinic.

Perhaps she'd be better off at home? You could understand that, her own doctor should really be attending to her.

This totally works for my dad. I ALWAYS tell him to immediately call an ambulance, check himself into a hospital, get a full body CAT, etc. television will only make his condition worse, and I'm happy to whip up a salt-free organic chicken broth while we have his favorite meal in the next room. You'd be surprised at how quickly he recovers!

My MIL on the other hand would LOVE this. She insisted that she had Lyme disease, frozen shoulder, a heart condition (generalized), hypothyroidism, and it goes on. I tried this route on her and it made her so happy and only fed her addition to attention. However, she did it so often that her insurance (Kaisers) has basically flagged her as attention seeking and crazy. I will never forgot the day a doctor told her "you do not have hypothyroidism, you are looking for ways to lose weight. Your main problem is that you want a magic pill to bring your youth back." Yes he was out of line but I silently screamed with laughter.


My point is that even if they love the attention at first, a medical professional may read them the riot act and embarrass the f*ck out of them in front of their family.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. So you may want to look at that, particularly if she had a difficult childhoold

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about saying something and frankly can't risk the fit (based on past tantrums, or whatever the adult word for a tantrum is) while home alone with my son. When I lightly suggested earlier in the week that she needed to take care of herself while I managed my son and apologized that I couldn't help her more, she lost it and told me how heartless I was and moaned about how she should just die so she wouldn't be a burden.

Good god, as I type this and see it in print and think about the other things she did this week I realize this is so, so not normal.

When DH returns I think there will be a dramatic recovery and display of helpfulness/reluctance to put him out. Should be fun.

I'm 18:14. I think PP may have it right, and your mother has untreated anxiety. This is what my mother has, and it routinely makes her grow very verbally abusive and non-functional. My friend's spouse has anxiety and it makes him have rage tantrums, in public and private. Anxiety is a terrible thing.

My solution has been to limit contact, honestly. My mother has a horror of doctors, and would deny to her dying day that she has anything of a diagnosable nature.

+1
My mother feigned several health issues when she was with us for an extended visit. I was in the middle of two crises (she was here when DC was diagnosed with autism WHILE I was on bed rest - complicated pregnancy) It disgusted me so much that she couldn't even hold it together without faking illnesses while we were going through such crises as a family, that I haven't seen her since. Rare, perfunctory Skype calls so she can see my kids. That's all.

[Anonymous]

PP, that's nuts. I'm disgusted for you. Question: how did you transition from a "normal" relationship with your mom and visits, etc, to the current one you describe? I want and need to reduce contact but my mom is widowed and out of state and I don't know how I'd get away with it. Did your mom notice? Comment on it? Complain? How did you manage her if she questioned the reduced frequency of your interactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what is up with this generation of women pretending to be sick all the time?? My mother does the same thing. She commits to it so heavily that she'll actually check herself into the hospital and have them call us to come get her (because of course nothing is wrong). Then she'll end up staying with us "recovering" for a day or two, asking to be waited on hand and foot. I've stopped sugar coating it and told her many times how disgusting her behavior is but several family members still give in to it.

You think this is new? Who do you think were Freud's patients?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what is up with this generation of women pretending to be sick all the time?? My mother does the same thing. She commits to it so heavily that she'll actually check herself into the hospital and have them call us to come get her (because of course nothing is wrong). Then she'll end up staying with us "recovering" for a day or two, asking to be waited on hand and foot. I've stopped sugar coating it and told her many times how disgusting her behavior is but several family members still give in to it.

You think this is new? Who do you think were Freud's patients?

It's always been around and it's always been women past the pretty stage of life. For obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor who tells everyone she has MS but we're wondering if it's just an attention thing. She drinks all the time socially which I didn't think you could do with MS. Also she has lived in our neighborhood for ten years and has never displayed any symptoms. Some of the things she says don't add up according to the nurses in our neighborhood. Before you get all outraged at me the only reason I care is that it doesn't seem right to pretend you have a disease when there are people genuinely suffering with a condition.

[Anonymous]

My mother was afraid she had Swine Flu, so she couldn't come to the hospital to see her newborn grandson. I never let her live it down and would mention it in front of people. She denied it, but it taught her the lesson. She never tried that shit again. She shared with me that she'd gotten dehydrated once, during a difficult time in my parents' marriage, and it stopped the tension. My dad was loving and caring. She used this ploy over and over, since she'd experienced the reward. I took the reward away. So, the behavior stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what is up with this generation of women pretending to be sick all the time?? My mother does the same thing. She commits to it so heavily that she'll actually check herself into the hospital and have them call us to come get her (because of course nothing is wrong). Then she'll end up staying with us "recovering" for a day or two, asking to be waited on hand and foot. I've stopped sugar coating it and told her many times how disgusting her behavior is but several family members still give in to it.

You think this is new? Who do you think were Freud's patients?

It's always been around and it's always been women past the pretty stage of life. For obvious reasons.

Not always. I have a hypochondriac father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother was afraid she had Swine Flu, so she couldn't come to the hospital to see her newborn grandson. I never let her live it down and would mention it in front of people. She denied it, but it taught her the lesson. She never tried that shit again. She shared with me that she'd gotten dehydrated once, during a difficult time in my parents' marriage, and it stopped the tension. My dad was loving and caring. She used this ploy over and over, since she'd experienced the reward. I took the reward away. So, the behavior stopped.

Still you wanted her to visit? I guess I'm an overprotective parent, but I wouldn't let anybody with as much as a sneeze near my newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, that's nuts. I'm disgusted for you. Question: how did you transition from a "normal" relationship with your mom and visits, etc, to the current one you describe? I want and need to reduce contact but my mom is widowed and out of state and I don't know how I'd get away with it. Did your mom notice? Comment on it? Complain? How did you manage her if she questioned the reduced frequency of your interactions?

Yes, she did notice. I just stopped caring about catering to her and focused on my family's needs instead. I wouldn't say we ever had a "normal" relationship, but that visit was very triggering for me overall (including abuse & abandonment issues) and realized that my mother is only happy if she has the stage, if everyone's attention is on her. When we couldn't give her that because we were so overwhelmed, she faked health issues. It would have been laughable in a different context, but one example was "Oh my gosh, I'm dying" type of acute pain for a couple of days that was liver disease... oh, it's a gallbladder attack... oh must be a kidney stone... all of a sudden went away when we said let's go to the doctor now. She retracted all the above, declared it must have been just constipation because all the pain went away when she pooped.

Not sure I have a good answer for you, I just did it by keeping my distance, not rewarding complaints or comments, and deflecting questions about visits. Not that I'd recommend it, but it's what kept me sane and my family whole.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this. She just wants the attention. She will freak everyone out with emergency phone calls that she needs the ER...quick, someone rush over there. You get there and she just wants to chitchat. Over it.

[Anonymous]

when my husband and i were trying to complete an out of state adoption, my mom decides to badger us about pain, but refused to go to the hospital. baby was born, she just dived in to crying hysterics over her pain. mind you, we didn't even know if we were going to become parents or not for 48 hours, so you can imagine our stress. the whole summer, she refuses to visit because she's too sick. didn't meet the baby until she was 4 months. on baby's first bday, she was talking aobut how ill she was feeling and telling our party guests how she doesn't want to live any more. mind you, i have advanced endometriosis, so i live with pain day in and day out, so i am empathetic, but i don't use my pain to manipulate. i don't have any words of wisdom, jsut venting. also, we have cut back on allowing her to vent to us and have kept our distance. she's not going to change, but we can protect ourselves from it.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry this resulted in more work for you because the doctor wrote a note for her to stay off the plane. That is just not fair for you. I would have to have a conversation with her about this behavior because I could not let it continue.