Stepdaughter invited me to a Mother/Daughter event instead of her mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

Ick. I would hope as a SM that you would help SD grow into a good human being. It is not nice to reject people because they live in a condo or have less money (let alone your own Biomom who likely is suffering from poorer career options that she had as a result of motherhood and divorce). As a biomom, I would never allow ideas like this to be reinforced in my child. It's common at a certain age for kids to buy into tbe culture of "what everyone has" and I would like my child to be more thoughtful than that.

We live in a small house. We rent. We don't have a Range Rover. But, our lives are nothing to be ashamed of. Don't reinforce your SD's shame. Model for her that the fact that Biomom lives in a condo is nothing to worry about and that people will like you and want ok meet you because of who you are, not what you own. The goal of life is not to "blend in," -- it is to learn to develop your own unique self and find and value the uniqueness in others.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, her dad and I have tried to explain that to her, but she's not getting it. She constantly compares her parents (more so me) or she'll compare her mom to her aunt (dad's sister) and she said she wants to be like me and her aunt and not like her mom. She feels like her mom has let the divorce that happened "a long time ago" ruin her life and she doesn't try to anything to change her life. We told her that she should tell her mom how she feels and spend more time with her mom. She just needs to give her mom a chance.

[Anonymous]

To me, it really depends on if she maintains a relationship with both her mother and you. If she is starting to prefer you, the SM, over her mother and generally finding more excuses to spend time with you and less time with her bio-mom, then I agree you need to nip it in the bud and have a general conversation with her about making sure that she maintains a healthy relationship with her mother. If she already has a healthy relationship with her mother and includes her in other aspects of her (the daughter's) life, then it's fine for her to choose which mom (bio vs step) to bring to a specific event. Perhaps consider that DD should have some other special time set aside to spend with her mother around the same time or some other event that either mother or daughter wants to go to that she asks mom to do.

One thing I think that divorced parents need to remember is that due to their marriage failing, you've created the situation where your children belong to two households. The children should have some choice in how they adjust to the situation created by the parents. They children did not create the situation, they are trying to grow up in a situation different from many of their friends and this may be one coping mechanism for them, the ability to choose which side of the family, or which face to show. She can't or doesn't want to bring both mothers, so she chose one. As long as she makes opportunities to spend time with both mothers, I don't think it's right that you force her to always invite one or other other to events in her life. To me, this is similar to a parent with two children who have different activities at the same time. You can't go to both, so you have to make a decision which one to go to. As long as you don't always favor the same child, you can decide which event to go to for whatever reasoning you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, it really depends on if she maintains a relationship with both her mother and you. If she is starting to prefer you, the SM, over her mother and generally finding more excuses to spend time with you and less time with her bio-mom, then I agree you need to nip it in the bud and have a general conversation with her about making sure that she maintains a healthy relationship with her mother. If she already has a healthy relationship with her mother and includes her in other aspects of her (the daughter's) life, then it's fine for her to choose which mom (bio vs step) to bring to a specific event. Perhaps consider that DD should have some other special time set aside to spend with her mother around the same time or some other event that either mother or daughter wants to go to that she asks mom to do.

One thing I think that divorced parents need to remember is that due to their marriage failing, you've created the situation where your children belong to two households. The children should have some choice in how they adjust to the situation created by the parents. They children did not create the situation, they are trying to grow up in a situation different from many of their friends and this may be one coping mechanism for them, the ability to choose which side of the family, or which face to show. She can't or doesn't want to bring both mothers, so she chose one. As long as she makes opportunities to spend time with both mothers, I don't think it's right that you force her to always invite one or other other to events in her life. To me, this is similar to a parent with two children who have different activities at the same time. You can't go to both, so you have to make a decision which one to go to. As long as you don't always favor the same child, you can decide which event to go to for whatever reasoning you want.

I never thought about it this way!

[Anonymous]

I see it differently than pp. I would say you had some responsibility for having the real mom end up living in "just a condo". So, you shouldn't reward your SD for her myopic and snobby views. Your post sounds a little like a humble brad too ...don't relish being the one asked too much. You SD will reject you at some other point when she grows up a little and sees that you bought into her selfish ways.

[Anonymous]

^^^charming

OP, what does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

That doesn't sound very nice on your SD's part. I understand that she's at an age where these things matter, but I think it's up to you to show her how to do the right thing.
It's mother's day. She birthed her, and presumably raised her - it's an occasion to honor her, not exclude her.

It's not very nice but that is the SD preference and her preference should be respected. She has every right to prefer her SM and the SM has every right to say yes to this even. The SM's thoughtfulness says to me that you are a really nice person and maybe there's a reason why DH is with you now How about raising the issue with the DD that her mom's feelings might be hurt and how does she feel about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see it differently than pp. I would say you had some responsibility for having the real mom end up living in "just a condo". So, you shouldn't reward your SD for her myopic and snobby views. Your post sounds a little like a humble brad too ...don't relish being the one asked too much. You SD will reject you at some other point when she grows up a little and sees that you bought into her selfish ways.

How so? She was already living there when I met DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^charming

OP, what does your DH say?

He thinks I should go since that's what my stepdaughter wants and that I shouldn't interfere with her relationship with her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

Wow. I guess it depends on how involved you are in helping your SD build some character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you both go? An opportunity for the three of you to bond, as well.

Her mom doesn't like me.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I would be embarrassed to have a daughter who said that (condo).

Is this why teen girls are like?

[Anonymous]

I think it's respectful to ask her to ask her mom first. I'm sure the mom would be delighted. I'd be heartbroken if my kid preferred the step mom. Imagine that you don't give the mom first dibs, and it gets back to the mother. It could get ugly.

[Anonymous]

What a cruel little girl you are raising

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you both go? An opportunity for the three of you to bond, as well.

Her mom doesn't like me.

Why?

She doesn't like that I'm with DH. She wanted him to remain single and miserable.