Stepdaughter invited me to a Mother/Daughter event instead of her mom

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible the mom is introverted and would just as soon avoid this party?

[Anonymous]

She might be, but I still think she should be considerate and ask her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be, but I still think she should be considerate and ask her first.

Good idea. You sound like a thoughtful stepmom.

My DC's stepmom is VERY young and very fun in the way I was at her age. I'd understand if my DD wanted to invite her instead of me to a girly event involving mani-pedis and matchy mother daughter outfits. What's that pastely-neonish designer that Southern sorority girls wear? Yeah, I don't do that. I do her sports meets when we have to hit the road at 5 am, the fourth opinion by a dermatologist, the learning to restring the instrument backstage, and lots of SAT prep. It's okay. SM has her niche and I have mine. I expect that someday SM will be a bridesmaid for DD.

[Anonymous]

Can you both go? An opportunity for the three of you to bond, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband. Do what he says.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you both go? An opportunity for the three of you to bond, as well.

Her mom doesn't like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

That doesn't sound very nice on your SD's part. I understand that she's at an age where these things matter, but I think it's up to you to show her how to do the right thing.
It's mother's day. She birthed her, and presumably raised her - it's an occasion to honor her, not exclude her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, tell her she needs to ask her bio mom first. She is bound to find out if you go instead of her. Also, no offense, but your stepdaughter's reasons for asking you are shallow -- her mom is quiet and lives on a condo so she doesn't want her? Wow.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one especially given her age. Tweens often appear shallow at that age because they think EVERYONE is always watching their every move and judging them and with social media now it's even worse than ever. I think your instinct that her mom lives more modestly are probably spot on. This age is so tough for kids. I didn't read if you were frank with your SD that while that was kind of her to invite you you don't want to overstep bounds with her bio mom. You sound like a great stepmom by the way. It's not an easy role to take on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

That doesn't sound very nice on your SD's part. I understand that she's at an age where these things matter, but I think it's up to you to show her how to do the right thing.
It's mother's day. She birthed her, and presumably raised her - it's an occasion to honor her, not exclude her.

The OP never wrote that this is a Mother's Day event. OP - is it a Mother's Day event? If so, then I agree with PP, but otherwise, give the 12 yr old girl a break. I think what your SD is expressing is that she has two families now - the one with you and her father, and the one with her mother. That's great news because it means she has adjusted to the divorce. She would like the family with you and dad to be the one she presents to her school friends. I think that is very reasonable and that you should respect her request. It doesn't mean she loves her mom less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step mom here who has been involved in numerous situations like this with my SD. I guess it really depends on all the facts, but ever since my SD has turned around 9, I started noticing that she was definitely feeling rejected by the approach you suggest. The truth is, you're right that the "nice" thing to do would be to ask Mom first and that you realize you'd be hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. But the other truth is, at her age, she has a right to her legitimate feelings and if she wants you, then she wants you. What I've learned is that she might not understand, regardless of how well you communicate it, that you have a "good" or "nice" reason for basically telling her that her feelings don't matter and that you are rejecting her invite. I've gotten to the point where I just shrug and say "i'd love to go." It's now our job to police their every emotion and to force them to help smooth their mother's ruffled feathers.

+1000 Go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step mom here who has been involved in numerous situations like this with my SD. I guess it really depends on all the facts, but ever since my SD has turned around 9, I started noticing that she was definitely feeling rejected by the approach you suggest. The truth is, you're right that the "nice" thing to do would be to ask Mom first and that you realize you'd be hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. But the other truth is, at her age, she has a right to her legitimate feelings and if she wants you, then she wants you. What I've learned is that she might not understand, regardless of how well you communicate it, that you have a "good" or "nice" reason for basically telling her that her feelings don't matter and that you are rejecting her invite. I've gotten to the point where I just shrug and say "i'd love to go." It's now our job to police their every emotion and to force them to help smooth their mother's ruffled feathers.

+1000 Go!

So basically the step daughter is embarrassed by her mom for only being able to afford a condo and you're telling OP it's not her job to get involved. I think OP has a conscience and knows that judging someone's worthiness based on how much money they have is wrong, and she needs to point that out to her SD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step mom here who has been involved in numerous situations like this with my SD. I guess it really depends on all the facts, but ever since my SD has turned around 9, I started noticing that she was definitely feeling rejected by the approach you suggest. The truth is, you're right that the "nice" thing to do would be to ask Mom first and that you realize you'd be hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. But the other truth is, at her age, she has a right to her legitimate feelings and if she wants you, then she wants you. What I've learned is that she might not understand, regardless of how well you communicate it, that you have a "good" or "nice" reason for basically telling her that her feelings don't matter and that you are rejecting her invite. I've gotten to the point where I just shrug and say "i'd love to go." It's now our job to police their every emotion and to force them to help smooth their mother's ruffled feathers.

+1000 Go!

So basically the step daughter is embarrassed by her mom for only being able to afford a condo and you're telling OP it's not her job to get involved. I think OP has a conscience and knows that judging someone's worthiness based on how much money they have is wrong, and she needs to point that out to her SD.

+1000 The OP sounds like a very conscientious stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. My stepdaughter told me she doesn't want her mom there because she's quiet and usually doesn't blend in with new people. She also said, and I really think this is the real reason, her mom is single and lives in a condo while I'm married and live in a "big" house like her friend's mothers. I really don't know how to handle this.

That doesn't sound very nice on your SD's part. I understand that she's at an age where these things matter, but I think it's up to you to show her how to do the right thing.
It's mother's day. She birthed her, and presumably raised her - it's an occasion to honor her, not exclude her.

The OP never wrote that this is a Mother's Day event. OP - is it a Mother's Day event? If so, then I agree with PP, but otherwise, give the 12 yr old girl a break. I think what your SD is expressing is that she has two families now - the one with you and her father, and the one with her mother. That's great news because it means she has adjusted to the divorce. She would like the family with you and dad to be the one she presents to her school friends. I think that is very reasonable and that you should respect her request. It doesn't mean she loves her mom less.

OP here, no it's not a Mother's Day event.