Stepdaughter invited me to a Mother/Daughter event instead of her mom

[Anonymous]

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum. I wasn't sure whether to put this here on in the Tweens/teen forum. Anyway, my stepdaughter is 12. One of her friend's mother hosts a Mother/Daughter brunch/spa day every year for her daughter's friends as a way to get to know the parents. My stepdaughter just became friends with this girl this year so this will be her first time attending. She asked me to accompany her. I asked her did she ask her mom and she said she doesn't want to ask her because she thinks she'll have more fun with me. While I'm honored, I kind of feel badly for her mom. I would be hurt if my daughter did this to me. Should I tell my stepdaughter to ask her mom first and agree to if she says no?

[Anonymous]

Ask your husband. Do what he says.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do what you suggested in your original post.

UNLESS her mom is prone to having inappropriate outbursts in front of strangers.

[Anonymous]

Step mom here who has been involved in numerous situations like this with my SD. I guess it really depends on all the facts, but ever since my SD has turned around 9, I started noticing that she was definitely feeling rejected by the approach you suggest. The truth is, you're right that the "nice" thing to do would be to ask Mom first and that you realize you'd be hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. But the other truth is, at her age, she has a right to her legitimate feelings and if she wants you, then she wants you. What I've learned is that she might not understand, regardless of how well you communicate it, that you have a "good" or "nice" reason for basically telling her that her feelings don't matter and that you are rejecting her invite. I've gotten to the point where I just shrug and say "i'd love to go." It's now our job to police their every emotion and to force them to help smooth their mother's ruffled feathers.

[Anonymous]

oops. I meant it's NOT [u]our job....

[Anonymous]

The hostess has a practical angle - who is she going to interact with the most? You or the bio mother? If your stepdaughter spends most of her time at your house, and invites her friends there, then it makes sense to go. I'm not sure I would ask the bio mom.

[Anonymous]

I'd be honored. Will her mother be interacting with this friend and her mom? If so, that's trickier. If not, treat it like you would a birthday party or a BBQ. Don't make it into a big deal. It doesn't have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be honored. Will her mother be interacting with this friend and her mom? If so, that's trickier. If not, treat it like you would a birthday party or a BBQ. Don't make it into a big deal. It doesn't have to be.

That I'm not sure about.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mother of 2 who, growing up, had step-mothers. It's real easy to favor the step mom because she's not the disciplinarian. (This goes on now between me and DH. I'm the bad guy bc I'm firm. Same concept. But I digress.) Of course kids have more "fun" with steps! Mine was like Mary Poppins and young and pretty and let me play with her make up and took us to the park. My mom was grumpy all the damn time bc she was a single mom and tired and hated how her life turned out. I think you should find a way to help your step daughter honor and appreciate her mother. You know this deep down. It would be a true gift to the daughter for you, an adult whom she admires, to help her see the best in her mother and encourage her to do activities together.

[Anonymous]

My kids live with their father and his second wife. My daughter would ask her stepmom. I'm working all the time anyway. It hurts but you move on.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is because your step DD feels that you will get along with the hostess much better than her bio mom. Kids have a need to be accepted socially and they can be anxious about such things.

[Anonymous]

Daughters are often embarrassed by their moms. Maybe you are less embarrassing to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daughters are often embarrassed by their moms. Maybe you are less embarrassing to her.

I didn't think about it that way. I still think she should at least ask her mom first.

[Anonymous]

If you're younger and prettier than daughter is asking you because you're cooler, wear cooler clothes, can talk about music, etc. There was a cool contest and you won. Congratulations! You will definitely be the favorite throughout this girl's teen years.
But always picking you won't allow this girl to work through her feelings about embarassing old mom -- who she will want later in life, at her wedding, etc. She may regret having chosen you over mom during her teen years and later on wish she hadn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're younger and prettier than daughter is asking you because you're cooler, wear cooler clothes, can talk about music, etc. There was a cool contest and you won. Congratulations! You will definitely be the favorite throughout this girl's teen years.
But always picking you won't allow this girl to work through her feelings about embarassing old mom -- who she will want later in life, at her wedding, etc. She may regret having chosen you over mom during her teen years and later on wish she hadn't.

Well the younger part is true, I don't know about the rest. That's what I'm afraid of.