Elderly Mother is leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother insists on moving across country away from us. I am her only child and mother to her only elementary aged grandchild. She is single (divorce) for many years. I really can't understand why she is doing this. I will be unable to fly out at a moments notice should she become ill or injured. I have no Emergency funds and not to mention a child who would need to be watched.
I've tried to convince her to move here but she claims her pension will be taxed. When I offer to have her only pay for her Grover IRS in exchange for watching my kid ( I pay mortgage light etc) she falls back on the taxes. I'm pretty positive she doesn't like me but I know she loves her grandchild.

Parents are resposbile for figuring out the caring of their children. Grandparents are not.

What are you prattling on about? I do not need her to watch my child. I just can't leave my child alone to care for her.

Reread your orignial post. Where is the grandchild's father in all of this?

Sorry- I thought I mentioned I am a single mom. All we have is each other. My mom, grandkids, and me. That is it. No other grandparents, siblings kids, etc...

I can't force her to move with me I understand. What I don't understand is why she would want to move so far away but then call every time she has a problem. It just makes me helpless. Since I do have a child I won't be able drop everything and get to her. If she were to stay where she is or move wih in a 1/2 days drive that would be one thing. But this is a 1/2 day flight. And her health is not improving. I know there is nothing I can do and maybe she just doesn't want to be around us. But it seems like she doesn't get the fact that she is getting older and will need our (child and my) help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother insists on moving across country away from us. I am her only child and mother to her only elementary aged grandchild. She is single (divorce) for many years. I really can't understand why she is doing this. I will be unable to fly out at a moments notice should she become ill or injured. I have no Emergency funds and not to mention a child who would need to be watched.
I've tried to convince her to move here but she claims her pension will be taxed. When I offer to have her only pay for her Grover IRS in exchange for watching my kid ( I pay mortgage light etc) she falls back on the taxes. I'm pretty positive she doesn't like me but I know she loves her grandchild.

Parents are resposbile for figuring out the caring of their children. Grandparents are not.

What are you prattling on about? I do not need her to watch my child. I just can't leave my child alone to care for her.

Reread your orignial post. Where is the grandchild's father in all of this?

Sorry- I thought I mentioned I am a single mom. All we have is each other. My mom, grandkids, and me. That is it. No other grandparents, siblings kids, etc...

I can't force her to move with me I understand. What I don't understand is why she would want to move so far away but then call every time she has a problem. It just makes me helpless. Since I do have a child I won't be able drop everything and get to her. If she were to stay where she is or move wih in a 1/2 days drive that would be one thing. But this is a 1/2 day flight. And her health is not improving. I know there is nothing I can do and maybe she just doesn't want to be around us. But it seems like she doesn't get the fact that she is getting older and will need our (child and my) help.

**1 grand not grandkids

[Anonymous]

There's nothing you can do unless you somehow gain conservatorship or guardianship or whatever over her. You have to let her go and cross the bridge of what might happen, when it happens.

meanwhile start an emergency savings fund!

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you, OP. All I can suggest is meditating on the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

You've seen your mom do this before so you know you cannot change her. It hurts but you need to accept it. All you can do is figure out ahead of time what you are willing to do if she gets in trouble.

I went through something a bit similar when trying to care for my brother long distance after he broke his back. It sucks. But there are limits on what you can do. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your mom? What is her age??

Elderly-OP

What is your definition of elderly? 65? 75? 85?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you, OP. All I can suggest is meditating on the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

You've seen your mom do this before so you know you cannot change her. It hurts but you need to accept it. All you can do is figure out ahead of time what you are willing to do if she gets in trouble.

I went through something a bit similar when trying to care for my brother long distance after he broke his back. It sucks. But there are limits on what you can do. Good luck.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your mom? What is her age??

Elderly-OP

What is your definition of elderly? 65? 75? 85?

[Anonymous]

You need to lay out to your mom that you will not be able to help her from a distance. Lay it all out. You will not be able to fly out to help her. Then go to therapy to set your boundaries. If she is in her right mind she is choosing the new living situation over you. You need to choose your life and child over her. Do not let her guilt you into anything.

I'm sorry. If she has a friend who can talk to her and tell her the same things you are saying, have that friend help out and tell her that her daughter will not be able to help her if she needs her. Then let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother insists on moving across country away from us. I am her only child and mother to her only elementary aged grandchild. She is single (divorce) for many years. I really can't understand why she is doing this. I will be unable to fly out at a moments notice should she become ill or injured. I have no Emergency funds and not to mention a child who would need to be watched.
I've tried to convince her to move here but she claims her pension will be taxed. When I offer to have her only pay for her Grover IRS in exchange for watching my kid ( I pay mortgage light etc) she falls back on the taxes. I'm pretty positive she doesn't like me but I know she loves her grandchild.

Parents are resposbile for figuring out the caring of their children. Grandparents are not.

What are you prattling on about? I do not need her to watch my child. I just can't leave my child alone to care for her.

Reread your orignial post. Where is the grandchild's father in all of this?

Sorry- I thought I mentioned I am a single mom. All we have is each other. My mom, grandkids, and me. That is it. No other grandparents, siblings kids, etc...

I can't force her to move with me I understand. What I don't understand is why she would want to move so far away but then call every time she has a problem. It just makes me helpless. Since I do have a child I won't be able drop everything and get to her. If she were to stay where she is or move wih in a 1/2 days drive that would be one thing. But this is a 1/2 day flight. And her health is not improving. I know there is nothing I can do and maybe she just doesn't want to be around us. But it seems like she doesn't get the fact that she is getting older and will need our (child and my) help.

You may have mentioned a single mom, but the single mom whose child has absolutely no interaction with their father is not the norm. I thought that perhaps the father could watch your child if you went to visit your mother.

When your mom calls from afar with a problem, listen and give empathy. Do not offer to help; do not say 'I told you so",try not to feel guilty.

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

[Anonymous]

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

[Anonymous]

I say she wants a life away from Debbie Downer daughter who treats her like an old lady (condescending, patronizing, gaslighting for all we know) when she just has a few issues that are manageable. She's probably in her late 50s and is ready to go off and have some fun, especially if she may kick it early.

[Anonymous]

We all suspect op isn't offering the age because it's closer to 60 than 80.

Op, you can't control her if she wants to move. If she finds she needs help, you don't have to travel to her. In your shoes, I'd tell your mom if she finds she needs help, you'll help fly her back to you, but that you can't be physically present if she chooses to live a plane ride away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say she wants a life away from Debbie Downer daughter who treats her like an old lady (condescending, patronizing, gaslighting for all we know) when she just has a few issues that are manageable. She's probably in her late 50s and is ready to go off and have some fun, especially if she may kick it early.

+1
She's crazy enough not to even say her moms age. Very manipulative.
Moms mistake is telling DD rather than just packing up and running for the hills.
OP if you were fully an adult you wouldn't be laying this extreme guilt trip on a grown woman.
Try being pleasant, nonjudgmental and not needy - see how things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

I pretty much know no one is "elderly" in their 50's. I have seen people develop health problems at that age but I don't consider them "elderly". The one exception would be with early onset dementia - that is a whole different ballgame even for folks in their 80's/90's.

Op doesn't seem to want to discuss her mom's age so that makes me suspect that her mom is still fairly young and that her mom still considers herself fairly young. That doesn't mean that she is in fantastic shape but it probably means that she can handle herself and make decisions for herself. Let her.