Elderly Mother is leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your mom? What is her age??

Elderly-OP

What is your definition of elderly? 65? 75? 85?

I'm guessing 45-50 or OP would have answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

No, no, and no. Mom is elderly even by your measure. I told you we are all the family she has. That's it. Everybody else is dead. Sometimes some anonymous OPs state the facts. She does not love in DC metro. -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all suspect op isn't offering the age because it's closer to 60 than 80.

Op, you can't control her if she wants to move. If she finds she needs help, you don't have to travel to her. In your shoes, I'd tell your mom if she finds she needs help, you'll help fly her back to you, but that you can't be physically present if she chooses to live a plane ride away.

Op here she is closer to 80. I am remaining anonymous. That is why I did not give her specific age. If you are truly trying to help or provide insight you sick at as bad as the Denny downer person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

No, no, and no. Mom is elderly even by your measure. I told you we are all the family she has. That's it. Everybody else is dead. Sometimes some anonymous OPs state the facts. She does not love in DC metro. -op

So OP, other then the awesome responsibility of babysitting her grandchild, what would keep her where she is (and if she's not in DC, I doubt that she could
Identify herself here) vs. What would compel her to move? Family is not the only motivator in life, you know.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.



Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

I work in health care and agree with the PP that being elderly isn't a function of age. I also know many in their 60s who are more frail/declining more quickly than a good number of people in their 80s. By OP's account her mother is definitely elderly no matter what her age is. I fail to understand why you're so fixated on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Several PP (including myself) have asked you how old your mother is and you refuse to answer. Based on the fact that you said she has a pension, I would say she is between 55 and 65. If so, that is not elderly. If she were over 75 and moving, then I would have more concerns. Either he way she is an adult with no minor children and can choose what she wants to do and where she wants to do it.

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.

Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

No, no, and no. Mom is elderly even by your measure. I told you we are all the family she has. That's it. Everybody else is dead. Sometimes some anonymous OPs state the facts. She does not love in DC metro. -op

So OP, other then the awesome responsibility of babysitting her grandchild, what would keep her where she is (and if she's not in DC, I doubt that she could
Identify herself here) vs. What would compel her to move? Family is not the only motivator in life, you know.

Dc has all the cultural activies she loves for free and is pretty navigable by public transit and walking. Also we have really good doctors and hospitals in the area. A milder climate than where we are from -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not the OP but you, and the several PPs who asked, clearly have limited experience with aging people and what 'elderly' means. Elderly is a state of being, not a chronological age. Some people are 'elderly at 55, some aren't elderly until their 95 (my grandmother was one and she lived to 105). Based on OP's description, her mother IS elderly. If you have to have an age, pick one that meets your need.



Age is important because it puts things into perspective. I have a dear friend who is 67. She can't tie her shoes because of a knee replacement and suffers from post polio syndrome, but other than that, she is not "elderly" or frail in the same way a 80 year old would be. If I were just to list her "problems", she sounds on the brink. But she is active and completely engaged in her life, except she wears slip on shoes and visits the doctor often.

A 60 something year old is unlikely to decline as quickly as an 80 year old, both physically and mentally. Mom may or may not have a lot of health and life ahead of her, and som but of that IS related to the actual number of her age.

I'm also not sure OP is representing the situation correctly, based on how she is answering some questions and not others.

Also, the REASON mom wants to move is important. Maybe DC winters are too much pain and discomfort, and she's moving to a supported community in Arizona. Maybe she has friends of 50 years that live there.

I work in health care and agree with the PP that being elderly isn't a function of age. I also know many in their 60s who are more frail/declining more quickly than a good number of people in their 80s. By OP's account her mother is definitely elderly no matter what her age is. I fail to understand why you're so fixated on it.

Not PP, but it is odd for OP to share this story and then get very evasive when it comes to her mother's age. I don't think PP's are fixated as much as they are noticing that it's a bit odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all suspect op isn't offering the age because it's closer to 60 than 80.

Op, you can't control her if she wants to move. If she finds she needs help, you don't have to travel to her. In your shoes, I'd tell your mom if she finds she needs help, you'll help fly her back to you, but that you can't be physically present if she chooses to live a plane ride away.

Op here she is closer to 80. I am remaining anonymous. That is why I did not give her specific age. If you are truly trying to help or provide insight you sick at as bad as the Denny downer person.

Ooookay. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a nomad by nature, not a settler. Good for her that she still has the spirit to keep moving on.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My mother was the exact same way, OP. She insisted on living very far from us, her only family, when she was well into older age. I spent years worrying that I would "get the call" and be forced to travel a long distance in the middle of the night, at a moments notice, no matter what was happening for us at home, work, school, etc. It also terrified me that she might die alone because I could not get there in time. So I begged. I bribed. I did everything I could think to get her to move to us. She refused. We fought. It was horrible. Years of periodic fighting.

Then, one day she called and said she was sick. Three months later she was gone. Thankfully, she did finally come to us for the last few weeks of her life. At that point, when we still thought she would get better, we agreed that if the doctor ever told her she needed care, or that "it was time," that she would move closer then. It didn't make me happy but it was a compromise I thought I could live with. Sadly, she died two weeks later so we never got a chance to see if the plan would have worked, but maybe it's an option for you.

I will say this, in hindsight, as we've been dealing with the shock and grief of her sudden death at a relatively young age (late-70s), I'm actually kind of glad to be able to say she lived her life on her own terms. As much as it worried me then, it's comforting now.

[Anonymous]

I work in health care and agree with the PP that being elderly isn't a function of age. I also know many in their 60s who are more frail/declining more quickly than a good number of people in their 80s. By OP's account her mother is definitely elderly no matter what her age is. I fail to understand why you're so fixated on it.

Not PP, but it is odd for OP to share this story and then get very evasive when it comes to her mother's age. I don't think PP's are fixated as much as they are noticing that it's a bit odd.

NP here. They sound fixated to me and I don't get why they have such a hard time imagining what elderly is without having age as a reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My mother was the exact same way, OP. She insisted on living very far from us, her only family, when she was well into older age. I spent years worrying that I would "get the call" and be forced to travel a long distance in the middle of the night, at a moments notice, no matter what was happening for us at home, work, school, etc. It also terrified me that she might die alone because I could not get there in time. So I begged. I bribed. I did everything I could think to get her to move to us. She refused. We fought. It was horrible. Years of periodic fighting.

Then, one day she called and said she was sick. Three months later she was gone. Thankfully, she did finally come to us for the last few weeks of her life. At that point, when we still thought she would get better, we agreed that if the doctor ever told her she needed care, or that "it was time," that she would move closer then. It didn't make me happy but it was a compromise I thought I could live with. Sadly, she died two weeks later so we never got a chance to see if the plan would have worked, but maybe it's an option for you.

I will say this, in hindsight, as we've been dealing with the shock and grief of her sudden death at a relatively young age (late-70s), I'm actually kind of glad to be able to say she lived her life on her own terms. As much as it worried me then, it's comforting now.

Thanks her during alone scares me the most. She also very trusting an naive and the creeps that can take advantage of her scare me too.-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she moving to be be near other family, that has a plan to take care of her? Has she had a checkup recently including mini-mental exam?

No on all accounts. Mentally she fine. Sadly Radom long distances move are her norm. At this age I think it's really a bad idea.

Are you sure she is not depressed? My SIL has a history with depression, most people don't know but we are very close so I am aware when she is experiencing s particularly bad episode. Whenever she is very depressed, she moves, sometimes very far. I think she believes the change of scenery offers her a fresh start to leave all her worries behind. Problem is she's running away from her problems, which follow her because she doesn't deal with them. So after the honeymoon phase is over of moving somewhere new, she moves again. She just convinced her husband to sell their house, which was beautiful and they adored it, to move 60 miles away to an apartment, in 3 weeks time. If there is no rationale for why she's moving, this could be why.