If you regret having a third (but would only admit it here)...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that it's either overwhelming or expensive and you know better than we so whether you can affors that second option.

We have a nanny who switched her schedule to afternoons during my maternity leave so that DH and I handled the morning routine together, DH dropped off older two to school/preschool, nanny picked them up, kept them happy and occupied, made dinner and did baths and then stayed after bedtime to do dinner dishes, kids' laundry and pack lunches for the next day. Once I went back to work she resumed her normal schedule and she handled the morning routine with all three kids by herself so that I could sleep in a little and recover from overnight feedings, then she got the baby on a good nap schedule that works with older kids' routines, handled laundry and general household stuff during the morning shift when she only had the baby and made dinner for the family, then handled afternoons with all 3 and DH and I would arrive home to bathed kids already i pjs, dinner on the table and a reasonably tidy house. Now the kids are 9, 7 and 5 and our nanny still works full-time. She now does all the grocery shopping, laundry, and dinner prep during the day, as well as staying on top of things like bringing snack for soccer, getting new winter coats, getting supplies needed for a project, etc. She also covers all school holidays and manages getting everyone's homework and music practice done and schlepping them to their various activities and playdates. We still arrive home to kids who are bathed and in jammies and dinner on the table and they usually are done with homework and practices and are ready to just chill out and enjoy family time.

So when do you parent? Asking honestly, but as a fellow strugging Mom of three of around the same age, it sounds like the nanny is doing much of the parenting. How do you fill the emotional/logistical gaps?

Not PP, but I'd guess she's parenting after she comes home. Reading her post, it seems like the nanny is doing all the stuff you have to do as a parent but isn't really "parenting". Buying groceries, new coats, bringing soccer snacks? I'd love it if someone could handle that stuff so I could just chill out and give my undivided attention to the kids when I come home. How much parenting are you doing while doing laundry or buying project supplies?

+1

Reread her post. Nanny does all the upkeep for the house, does the school holidays and events, handles homework and shuttling to practices and games and playdates, then comes home and cooks dinner and does baths and jams and has the kids ready for their nightly kiss goodnight from mummy and daddy. Kids need a new winter coat? Nanny handles that. Kid needs to bring oranges to soccer? That's nanny. OP and her husband are missing all the small moments in which parenting actually occurs and is rewarding. That nanny probably sticks around because she IS their mom and she's scared of what'll happen to those kids if she isn't around. For that PP the question isn't if she regrets having her third, it's why did she bother having kids at all if she was going to outsource all but the last 60 minutes a day of care for them.

[Anonymous]

so if i love having 3, I'm not supposed to post, right?

[Anonymous]

Our family would not have felt complete without three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that it's either overwhelming or expensive and you know better than we so whether you can affors that second option.

We have a nanny who switched her schedule to afternoons during my maternity leave so that DH and I handled the morning routine together, DH dropped off older two to school/preschool, nanny picked them up, kept them happy and occupied, made dinner and did baths and then stayed after bedtime to do dinner dishes, kids' laundry and pack lunches for the next day. Once I went back to work she resumed her normal schedule and she handled the morning routine with all three kids by herself so that I could sleep in a little and recover from overnight feedings, then she got the baby on a good nap schedule that works with older kids' routines, handled laundry and general household stuff during the morning shift when she only had the baby and made dinner for the family, then handled afternoons with all 3 and DH and I would arrive home to bathed kids already i pjs, dinner on the table and a reasonably tidy house. Now the kids are 9, 7 and 5 and our nanny still works full-time. She now does all the grocery shopping, laundry, and dinner prep during the day, as well as staying on top of things like bringing snack for soccer, getting new winter coats, getting supplies needed for a project, etc. She also covers all school holidays and manages getting everyone's homework and music practice done and schlepping them to their various activities and playdates. We still arrive home to kids who are bathed and in jammies and dinner on the table and they usually are done with homework and practices and are ready to just chill out and enjoy family time.

So when do you parent? Asking honestly, but as a fellow strugging Mom of three of around the same age, it sounds like the nanny is doing much of the parenting. How do you fill the emotional/logistical gaps?

Not PP, but I'd guess she's parenting after she comes home. Reading her post, it seems like the nanny is doing all the stuff you have to do as a parent but isn't really "parenting". Buying groceries, new coats, bringing soccer snacks? I'd love it if someone could handle that stuff so I could just chill out and give my undivided attention to the kids when I come home. How much parenting are you doing while doing laundry or buying project supplies?

+1

Reread her post. Nanny does all the upkeep for the house, does the school holidays and events, handles homework and shuttling to practices and games and playdates, then comes home and cooks dinner and does baths and jams and has the kids ready for their nightly kiss goodnight from mummy and daddy. Kids need a new winter coat? Nanny handles that. Kid needs to bring oranges to soccer? That's nanny. OP and her husband are missing all the small moments in which parenting actually occurs and is rewarding. That nanny probably sticks around because she IS their mom and she's scared of what'll happen to those kids if she isn't around. For that PP the question isn't if she regrets having her third, it's why did she bother having kids at all if she was going to outsource all but the last 60 minutes a day of care for them.

I really applaud the poster who took so much time to respond in detail as to how she makes three work. Some parents love the "small moments" and would not feel fulfilled as parents if they did not choose the winter cost, cook, etc. I am one of those parents, and no longer work outside the home. But honestly -- maybe my child would be better off if I did not feel *a tiny bit* frustrated when my DC decides for some strange reason never to wear the coat/shoes/whatever we chose together. Maybe homework would go more quickly if mother/tutor roles were not combined. School projects are always fun, but probably somewhat more creative than need be. And so on. Poster with awesome nanny is probably an awesome mom, and her relationship with her children is doubtless smoother than my relationship with my DC; there is something to be said for that.

I think it is a matter of personal preference. OP, if you had three, might you be willing to let go a bit? Would you feel comfortable at the propect of hiring extra help to take on some of the day to day, if need be? Obviously that is not a question you need to answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd is 6mo, and my older two are 5 and 3. I wouldn't say I regret her, but I'm not sure I would do it again. I love her dearly! But I feel like there isn't enough of me to go around and that my husband doesn't deal with the chaos of three well. And then there is my daycare bill.

This is pretty much what all my friends say. And they say that parents of 2 have NO CLUE. Both our kids are strong-willed, "spirited" kids - the only mellow one in the family is DH, so it was an easy decision for us to stop.

I've had two of my mom friends tell me that the big jump for them was from 1 to 2 and not 2 to 3. They say that of course there is more to do but the shift from having some down time with one to no downtime with 2 was the biggest adjustment.

I'm on the fence about #3 as well. One of my biggest hangups is the environment, actually. My husband and I have decided that we will significantly alter our diets and transportation if we do have three children (meat only once a week, if that, and electric vehicles/public transportation) to offset our family's impact just a little.

[Anonymous]

This is off topic but lay off the mom with a nanny.

It sounds like she found a terrific person to become part of her "family". I bet her house is calm, the schedule is set and able to withstand variances from illness, school holidays, parental job obligations, etc... And I'm sure that nanny loves the kids - and more love is great.

It's fine for everyone to solve these problems in ways that work best for their family.

It's not fine to judge other parenting approaches when the net result is stability, security, and love for the kids.

[Anonymous]

My mom and my sister have three. They love all three, but readily admit that the third brought much more chaos and stress--even with sheer scheduling and time. My mom notes that times were even easier (the parenting styels/free-range, etc) and could not imagine having three in this day and age. As her third child (and undisputed favorite, I am not offended by any of this.

Both my sister and my mom heavily advised me to stop at two. My boys are 10.5 and 8 and life is pretty easy. It helps the two of them are really, really close and rarely fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that it's either overwhelming or expensive and you know better than we so whether you can affors that second option.

We have a nanny who switched her schedule to afternoons during my maternity leave so that DH and I handled the morning routine together, DH dropped off older two to school/preschool, nanny picked them up, kept them happy and occupied, made dinner and did baths and then stayed after bedtime to do dinner dishes, kids' laundry and pack lunches for the next day. Once I went back to work she resumed her normal schedule and she handled the morning routine with all three kids by herself so that I could sleep in a little and recover from overnight feedings, then she got the baby on a good nap schedule that works with older kids' routines, handled laundry and general household stuff during the morning shift when she only had the baby and made dinner for the family, then handled afternoons with all 3 and DH and I would arrive home to bathed kids already i pjs, dinner on the table and a reasonably tidy house. Now the kids are 9, 7 and 5 and our nanny still works full-time. She now does all the grocery shopping, laundry, and dinner prep during the day, as well as staying on top of things like bringing snack for soccer, getting new winter coats, getting supplies needed for a project, etc. She also covers all school holidays and manages getting everyone's homework and music practice done and schlepping them to their various activities and playdates. We still arrive home to kids who are bathed and in jammies and dinner on the table and they usually are done with homework and practices and are ready to just chill out and enjoy family time.

Family time? Your nanny is the one enjoying family time. Family time happens in the moments. Bathing, games, talking/singing in the car, prepping for dinner, working on homework and helping each other out.

You are getting an hour of your kids a day and are missing most of their life. That is so sad.

[Anonymous]

I have two, so I only know about 3-kids families from my friends. They seem happy with the 3, but I can honestly say that their middle children are insufferable. One really needs counseling, and the other is a devious creature. Think about what you might be doing to your current youngest child!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is off topic but lay off the mom with a nanny.

It sounds like she found a terrific person to become part of her "family". I bet her house is calm, the schedule is set and able to withstand variances from illness, school holidays, parental job obligations, etc... And I'm sure that nanny loves the kids - and more love is great.

It's fine for everyone to solve these problems in ways that work best for their family.

It's not fine to judge other parenting approaches when the net result is stability, security, and love for the kids.

+1. I will go negative and say to all the haters to stop being such raging bitches to the PP with a nanny. Christ, just get over yourselves and your holier-than-thou attitudes. I hope your kids don't grow up to be as sanctimonious and judgmental as you are. Not a single one of you would have the courage to say this to a friend's face, I bet.

To actually answer the OP -- our number three was a happy accident. I have done it all since she was born -- stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom, and full-time work-out of the house mom. It is never going to be perfect no matter which road you choose, and you will never have enough time for all of your kids, for your relationship, for yourself, and for your job if you work. It has been a hell of a financial stretch and a hell of a logistical struggle. She is also an amazing kid and completes our family. My two older kids are much better people for having a third sibling and my family is a great team. Even knowing the financial and time sacrifices we've made I would absolutely choose to have her again. But there is no question it's had both positives and negatives.

[Anonymous]

I have two and am done but of the people I know that have 3, the early years are REALLY REALLY hard. Once the youngest is relatively self-sufficient, maybe around 5-6, I think having 3 can be a real joy. My friend who had a 3rd accidentally is nearly in crisis because of the logistics - they're 5, 2, and infant and it's just constant madness, no one gets enough one on one time or attention, the baby is an afterthought, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so if i love having 3, I'm not supposed to post, right?

On the contrary, PLEASE SHARE whats so awesome about three. Everyone is always saying it's miserable, chaotic, expensive, hard on marriage...
I'd like to hear if anyone thinks it's great?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is off topic but lay off the mom with a nanny.

It sounds like she found a terrific person to become part of her "family". I bet her house is calm, the schedule is set and able to withstand variances from illness, school holidays, parental job obligations, etc... And I'm sure that nanny loves the kids - and more love is great.

It's fine for everyone to solve these problems in ways that work best for their family.

It's not fine to judge other parenting approaches when the net result is stability, security, and love for the kids.

+1. I will go negative and say to all the haters to stop being such raging bitches to the PP with a nanny. Christ, just get over yourselves and your holier-than-thou attitudes. I hope your kids don't grow up to be as sanctimonious and judgmental as you are. Not a single one of you would have the courage to say this to a friend's face, I bet.

To actually answer the OP -- our number three was a happy accident. I have done it all since she was born -- stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom, and full-time work-out of the house mom. It is never going to be perfect no matter which road you choose, and you will never have enough time for all of your kids, for your relationship, for yourself, and for your job if you work. It has been a hell of a financial stretch and a hell of a logistical struggle. She is also an amazing kid and completes our family. My two older kids are much better people for having a third sibling and my family is a great team. Even knowing the financial and time sacrifices we've made I would absolutely choose to have her again. But there is no question it's had both positives and negatives.

Ha!! If someone I knew who paid someone to literally do everything for her kids tried to jump in on a parenting discussion, you bet your butt I would say to her what I commented here. It wasn't even hateful or mean- it was a factual commentary on what she herself revealed which is that nanny is doing all the parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that it's either overwhelming or expensive and you know better than we so whether you can affors that second option.

We have a nanny who switched her schedule to afternoons during my maternity leave so that DH and I handled the morning routine together, DH dropped off older two to school/preschool, nanny picked them up, kept them happy and occupied, made dinner and did baths and then stayed after bedtime to do dinner dishes, kids' laundry and pack lunches for the next day. Once I went back to work she resumed her normal schedule and she handled the morning routine with all three kids by herself so that I could sleep in a little and recover from overnight feedings, then she got the baby on a good nap schedule that works with older kids' routines, handled laundry and general household stuff during the morning shift when she only had the baby and made dinner for the family, then handled afternoons with all 3 and DH and I would arrive home to bathed kids already i pjs, dinner on the table and a reasonably tidy house. Now the kids are 9, 7 and 5 and our nanny still works full-time. She now does all the grocery shopping, laundry, and dinner prep during the day, as well as staying on top of things like bringing snack for soccer, getting new winter coats, getting supplies needed for a project, etc. She also covers all school holidays and manages getting everyone's homework and music practice done and schlepping them to their various activities and playdates. We still arrive home to kids who are bathed and in jammies and dinner on the table and they usually are done with homework and practices and are ready to just chill out and enjoy family time.

What do you do when your nanny has a sick day or wants a vacation? Does she get time off? Is it weird to step into her roll with your kids when she is away?

[Anonymous]

Parent of 5 and there was no difference between 3 and 5 except the money - still a zone defense. No nanny but DW was a sahm