DWs with controlling husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading my email.
Reading my texts.
Following me or dropping by when I am out with friends to make sure I am where I say I am.
Accusing me of cheating. (I have never cheated.)
Intentionally doing things to frighten me (driving aggressively, leaving me alone at a concert).
Giving me the silent treatment until I do what he wants me to do.
Giving me the silent treatment when I try to have a hard conversation about our relationship.
Not engaging emotionally.
Shutting down sexually.
Turning things around to make them my fault.
Disappearing.
Lying.
Gas lighting.

OK that's a lot of complaints you have there. I guess it would be pointless to ask you to explain how you contributed to this behavior.

[Anonymous]

My story starts back in 2006 when I figured out my IL's wanted my husband to be a controlling asshole.
To be continued...2.26.16
Don't miss the episode

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading my email.
Reading my texts.
Following me or dropping by when I am out with friends to make sure I am where I say I am.
Accusing me of cheating. (I have never cheated.)
Intentionally doing things to frighten me (driving aggressively, leaving me alone at a concert).
Giving me the silent treatment until I do what he wants me to do.
Giving me the silent treatment when I try to have a hard conversation about our relationship.
Not engaging emotionally.
Shutting down sexually.
Turning things around to make them my fault.
Disappearing.
Lying.
Gas lighting.

"Turning things around to make them my fault" and "lying" are my husband's specialties

OK that's a lot of complaints you have there. I guess it would be pointless to ask you to explain how you contributed to this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading my email.
Reading my texts.
Following me or dropping by when I am out with friends to make sure I am where I say I am.
Accusing me of cheating. (I have never cheated.)
Intentionally doing things to frighten me (driving aggressively, leaving me alone at a concert).
Giving me the silent treatment until I do what he wants me to do.
Giving me the silent treatment when I try to have a hard conversation about our relationship.
Not engaging emotionally.
Shutting down sexually.
Turning things around to make them my fault.
Disappearing.
Lying.
Gas lighting.

OK that's a lot of complaints you have there. I guess it would be pointless to ask you to explain how you contributed to this behavior.

Not pointless: I enabled the behavior by marrying him, and by allowing him to behave this way.

[Anonymous]

20:26, I'm the poster from 20:19 with the "annoying but not controlling" husband. I didn't list all the details in my post, but yes, he WAS controlling. My email and social media were not private. I was barely allowed to do things on my own and he had slowly started cutting me off from friends and family. We had a high HHI and no debt, but I was not allowed to spend any money without permission, and I had to track every penny.

I had to get a restraining order to move out safely. So no, he was not just "annoying." He was controlling and abusive.

And from what I have learned, controlling spouses are also usually abusive.

[Anonymous]

It's a work in progress, but unfortunately a lifetime of a use and boundary violation made - makes - my ability to filter out toxic people weak.

I enjoy my husband in many ways, but the unpredictability and the anger is draining. I keep my distance at times. We're in counseling twice a week, on top of us each being in therapy, so I can say at least we're committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

There are people that have first names for their FB accounts so the couple can't have separate ones. I think that is a lack of trust issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

There are people that have first names for their FB accounts so the couple can't have separate ones. I think that is a lack of trust issue.

It just shows me that most men don't want their own account.

[Anonymous]

As a man I like to be in control total 100% dominance..of house chores.lol

On a serious note and just my opinion of course, men that has to be controlling is because of lack of trust, betrayed (cheated on), issues during childhood, low self esteem/insecure or just a total asshole.

I almost turned became one because of infidelity and when I realized it I had to stop and reevaluate my relationship and it's best for us to divorce and start a new life. I refuse to be somebody I'm not if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

People are entitled to a private life. Your marital status does not obviate your autonomy.

And control is not annoying, it is abuse. Men controlling women, women controlling mean. It's irrelevant. It's abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:26, I'm the poster from 20:19 with the "annoying but not controlling" husband. I didn't list all the details in my post, but yes, he WAS controlling. My email and social media were not private. I was barely allowed to do things on my own and he had slowly started cutting me off from friends and family. We had a high HHI and no debt, but I was not allowed to spend any money without permission, and I had to track every penny.

I had to get a restraining order to move out safely. So no, he was not just "annoying." He was controlling and abusive.

And from what I have learned, controlling spouses are also usually abusive.

I'm just trying to understand what "controlling" actually means since everyone seems to define it differently. How is it that you were unable to set up a private email account? Gmail, and others, are free. Most social media isn't private (facebook?) unless you block someone, right? Social media is social, not "private." It's meant to be seen by others. What does it mean that he barely allowed you to do things on your own? Did you not have a driver's license or access to money for transportation? What does slowly cutting you off from friends and family even mean? You couldn't telephone them? You couldn't visit them? What was he actually doing that prevented you from doing what you wanted? When you say he didn't allow you to have any money without permission, does this mean that he was the sole income earner and you had no access to any credit cards or bank accounts?

Lots of women can get a restraining order simply by making an accusation. You don't say what he actually did though. Everything is your characterization or conclusion.

All I'm trying to find out is what he actually did to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are entitled to a private life. Your marital status does not obviate your autonomy.

And control is not annoying, it is abuse. Men controlling women, women controlling mean. It's irrelevant. It's abuse.

No, sorry, "abuse" is "abuse."

"Control" is what we all have to do in various aspects of our daily lives to function properly.

If you don't properly "control" your automobile, it will crash. If you don't "control" your temper, you will behave badly. So nothing is wrong with "control" per se.

I think what you probably mean is that he wanted you to do things, or not to do things, that you disagreed with. So yes that is annoying and if it's bad enough can lead to divorce like any other incompatibility. But you always had the choice whether to agree with his desires or not, as proven by the fact that you ultimately, voluntarily, left him. If he had so much control over you that wouldn't have been possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

How would you know whether she cheated or not? She's sitting there bad mouthing her husband and it does sound from her description that she was caught red handed cheating or perhaps engaging in very sketchy behavior in that direction. Him being "loving" is inconsistent with her description of him as "controlling."

Also you completed evaded a very simple question, which was: How exactly is he stopping her from setting up her own email account? How would he even know about it? She's a liar, or you are. Or both.